Psalms 73

Fear of the Unknown

August 31st, 2023
The anxiety that the unknown produces is always worse than the event itself. Once things have happened, they never seem quite as bad as I thought they would be.
The things I feared have begun to take place, and while I will admit that I’m fragile, in ways I had not even realized, I know that God is working here.
In what I can’t see.
In what I don’t understand.
In the midst of the waiting, that makes me sick to my stomach.
In the resentment that tries to rise from this uncomfortable season.

I know God is working.

Little by little, I realize that I am more afraid of myself, afraid of my reactions, that come from places of worldly needs & satisfactions, than I am of the road ahead.
I’m not trustworthy.
I buckle under the weight of it all.
I have placed my safety in the tangible things of the world.
God has provided, consistently, for all my needs, except for the one thing I want most.
My security blanket, does not come above God.

I thank my God Almighty, who allows me the beautiful privilege to come to Him in this time of pain and confusion.
I thank Him for not turning away from me, when I am so undeserving.
I thank Him for His love, for His patience, for His Faithfulness.
I thank Him for His encouragement.
This has not been an easy transition for me.
There are so many moments of entitlement, selfishness and fear.
I do not handle the hardships with grace.

I most definitely do not handle His people with grace.

There are days, where I have to force myself to pray, worship or read my Bible. Days I drag myself to church, and then hate myself for having to force myself into doing something that I should want to do.

Always. In every situation.
I should want to come to Him.

I have even less grace for myself than I have for others because I know that I should know better than this, be better than this, do better than this.
Some time ago, I made a choice. I chose Jesus.
His will in my life, above all else.
My life for His glory.
These are not words I say lightly. I know too well the possibilities for pain and suffering are endless, horrors that my mind has not even considered yet, but I feel it in my heart, in my mind, in my soul.
Everything within me wants to reject this path, but here is where I have found everything I never knew I needed.
I decided this would be the hill I would die on, and so here we are, once again facing the same giants, and my instinct to run wants to take over, but I have nowhere to go. Nothing to fight with.

This hurts.
I see an “easier” road that I could take, but easy in the eyes of the world does not honor God’s will and purpose for my life.
Who am I to tell Him there’s a “better” route? Better by whom’s standards?

This is a difficult road but every bump along the way has made us all that much closer to God, and to each other.
For that alone, I know that all of this is worth it.

There is no joy without pain.

There is no joy without faith.

There is no joy without Him.

“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭1‬-‭6‬ ‭NLT‬‬
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Shaken

August 28th, 2023
I feel like I am free falling.

Everything is spinning, out of control.

I can do nothing to stop it. Or me.

I get easily angry over things long past, things I thought I had overcome.
I feel bitterness over the perceived losses.
Nothing makes sense and I look around, trying to get my bearings but nothing looks familiar, and there is no one else. It’s as though I am no longer in my current stretch of wilderness, as though I have traveled back in time, to another person, another life.

Holy Spirit tried to warn me, for weeks, but I got complacent. Once all the pieces started to fall, nothing seemed to be able to stop it. It took so little to set me down this downward spiral.
I don’t know where I am, or who I am at the moment.

I know my identity is tied to Christ, alone. His opinion of me is all that should matter, my obedience to His word, above all the thoughts and opinions of the world. I know what it looks like, but I also know what He said, so I should not be shaken by what it looks like, and most days I am not.

God is faithful. He is active, loving, present and at this time, teaching me a variety of hard lessons, such as, He is more than enough in every situation, to fully die to myself and how to navigate the boundaries of service and unconditional love for my fellow man, for whom I have no love nor patience.
None of this is in my nature, but it is what God is asking of me.

Jesus Christ, the sinless son of God, died on the cross for my sins, which are many. He has invited me to walk down a dark and barren road with nothing but Him as my guide, my teacher, my shelter and my provider.
It truly should be the easiest decision of my life, and in many ways it is, but there are days when I really struggle to remain steadfast. I feel it in my heart. I was made to live for Him, and for Him I shall die. One day.

But today, the question before me is much simpler:

What do I hold above God?

And the answer to that should be nothing, but it’s not.

Abraham very nearly killed his own son, whom God had promised Him and for whom he had waited 25 yrs, in obedience to God, because he trusted God would bring Isaac back. God is not asking anything as extreme as death of me, yet. On the contrary, by comparison, God is asking very little of me, and yet I act like a petulant child, holding on when I need to let go.

I have seen God do the impossible in my life.
I will see God do the impossible again, of that I have no doubt. And yet, in the waiting I get discouraged, in the breaking I feel defeated, and I allow fear a hold on me. The stumbles makes me angry with myself, because I have seen enough of God’s tender mercies and His faithfulness to know better and yet I don’t.

There are days, where I resemble a feral kitten.
The problems seem insurmountable and I lash out, for a myriad of reasons, accomplishing nothing but looking ridiculous. Out of fear. Of what, exactly, I could not tell you.
I know God is in control and I always knew that our road would lead here, to this place of complete dependence on He who created me to love and serve His people, and still, I resist it. I shouldn’t but I do. I think I have been running for so long, that I am just not sure how to stop.

Yes, this last week was difficult, and I did not handle it with grace but I have become more aware of my shortcoming and my weaknesses. I have become aware of new areas that I need to surrender to Him, once and for all. Doors that need to be closed, things within me that need to die, so that I can better resemble Christ.

I have so much to be thankful for, He has done incredible things over this last year alone, yet at times, I fail to do so.
I let the mountain shake me.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus tells the disciples that if they have faith the size of a mustard seed, they can command a mountain to move and it will obey, but even if my mountain fails to move, for whatever reason, I still need to keep my eyes on Jesus and trust His process, and praise Him through it all. Remaining in Him removes the mountain from view, it does not remove it from existence, I will still have to climb it in order to get to the next destination in our voyage, but the conditions of the climb will not be as extreme because I have The Holy Trinity by my side.

What more could I possibly want?

Nothing. That is what.
I want nothing. I need nothing.
I fail to remember that at times, and I never want to forget all that God has done for me. I never want to forget how far we have come in our walk. I no longer want to get stuck in the past, reacting to my circumstances from a place of hurt, anger and entitlement.

I desperately need to get off this hamster wheel. I wish I could say that this will be a turning point for me, and that I will never find myself feeling defeated or discouraged again, but these ups and downs are also part of the process, for which I am grateful, because He teaches me so much as a result.
I must never allow myself to forget God’s faithfulness, or that He never promised me this would be easy, just that He would never forsake me.

When all else fails, God will never fail me.

‘No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life.
As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Be strong and courageous,
because you will lead these people to inherit the land
I swore to their ancestors to give them.
“Be strong and very courageous.
Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you;
do not turn from it to the right or to the left,
that you may be successful wherever you go. ‘ Joshua 1:5-7 NLT

‘My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ‘
Proverbs 3:1-6 NLT
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Shifts

August 5th, 2023
I am always surprised by just how much You can change, and how far I can come, in the space of a short time. I did not think it would take me 2 months to find my way, the way You cleared for me, out of that emotional maze I threw myself into, and I thank You, beyond what words can express, for what You have made possible in that time.

I am thankful to you, Jesus, for this life changing summer.

I have learned that often, it is those who are or have faced the same demons, who are the most unkind and unloving. I don’t say that as judgment, I get it. It’s hard to have your weaknesses reflected back at you.

I have learned how to find compassion for others in the midst of my pain.

I have learned that 2 things can be true at once, when it comes to us humans. We are complicated beings. We are wounded, and we are sinners.
You help me see the cause, the root of the sin, and teach me how to love the sinner, while withholding a seat at my table.

You have taught me so much about me, yes.
I have learned a lot about my pain, my strengths, my weaknesses, but I have learned so much more about You, Jesus.
The closer we become, the more I feel whole, but also the more easily my heart breaks for those still lost to the truth and the beauty of who You are and what You offer.

The pages are turning. The chapters are coming to a close.
In all of it, I see Your hand. Thank You.
I now find that I am more settled on You, my foundation, than I was before.
The most significant lesson here, for me, has been You.

I see You better.
I feel You closer.
I hear You clearer.

I am thankful for what You are doing here. I don’t understand it all, but then I don’t need to, and I hope in time, I will learn to obey more and doubt less.

Thank You, for all you have done. Thank You for all that you will continue to do.
Thank you for the humbling reality that You have been here all along.
Thank You for a new found love for Your people. I pray I never look at them the same way again. I will pray for them Lord. I will pray for them all, until 1 by 1, Jesus, they all find their way home to You.

This week is one of incredible significance for us, Jesus.
This year is one of great significance.

I marvel at the beauty you’re creating out of the messes I surrendered.

Thank you, Jesus.
My soul rejoices.

“I am suffering and in pain.
Rescue me, O God, by your saving power.
Then I will praise God’s name with singing,
and I will honor him with thanksgiving.
For this will please the Lord more than sacrificing cattle,
more than presenting a bull with its horns and hooves.
The humble will see their God at work and be glad.
Let all who seek God’s help be encouraged.
For the Lord hears the cries of the needy;
he does not despise his imprisoned people.
Praise him, O heaven and earth,
the seas and all that move in them.
For God will save Jerusalem and rebuild the towns of Judah.
His people will live there and settle in their own land.
The descendants of those who obey him will inherit the land,
and those who love him will live there in safety.”
Psalms 69: 29-36 NLT

‘Though the Lord gave you adversity for food and suffering for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you.
You will see your teacher with your own eyes.
Your own ears will hear him.
Right behind you a voice will say,
“This is the way you should go,”
whether to the right or to the left.
Then you will destroy all your silver idols and your precious gold images.
You will throw them out like filthy rags, saying to them, “Good riddance!”
So the Lord must wait for you to come to him
so he can show you his love and compassion.
For the Lord is a faithful God.
Blessed are those who wait for his help.
O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem,
you will weep no more.
He will be gracious if you ask for help.
He will surely respond to the sound of your cries. ‘
Isaiah 30:18-22 NLT
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Speak

July 19th, 2023
The hardest thing for me has been separating who God truly is from my own views, ideas and expectations. Recognizing and accepting that God does not operate within my comfort zone.

I keep telling myself “surely God wouldn’t….”

Yes! He really would.

And He did.
And He has.
And I haven’t.
And the ‘justifications’ for my disobediences, are just that, excuses.

My comfort zone truly is nothing more than my jail cell, I know this.
I just can’t seem to find the will or the strength, I’m not sure which, to get up and step out. I succumb to the paralyzing fear. I know the gate is open, and the shackles are broken, and they have been for some time now, but I’m lulled, in a false sense of security, because despite it all, I am comfortable here. “Here” I know. I understand what is expected, and I navigate the waters somewhat well. Nobody is perfect.

However, I feel it in my soul, this is not the time for “good enough” or “close enough.”
I long to know God better than I know my face in the mirror, and in order to achieve that level of intimacy, I must be willing to step out into the unknown with just His word.

This walk is not a walk of comfort but one where we find His comfort within the uncomfortable. Safety and security in the chaos of the world, not the absence of the chaos. The unshakable confidence that I am safe in His arms, always, as I step out into the dark and unknown road.

I am my own biggest hurdle.

I know that God never does the expected, that is part of the reason it’s so important to truly get to know Him, to know His voice without a shadow of a doubt, but even that will only gets me so far.

I couldn’t tell you why I thought every door God would open would look safe and inviting, and would make perfect sense to me, I know better than that by now but I still seem to want to control and micromanage.

I keep expecting The Almighty God fit into my box.
I keep expecting His ways to make sense to me, though I know better.
I keep assuming that He will fall within the confines of my understanding and expectations, but He never does and He never will.
God is not a God that can be limited.

God has called us to a life of service, and as Jesus demonstrated, we are His servant to all in need, all who are searching for Him, not just the ones we think we should reach out to.
I am to love, encourage and even forgive those He places along our way.
I am to tell the world about Him every chance I get.
There is no reward without risk.

Jesus is the reward. Jesus is worth the risk.

Our relationship only strengthens in the fire. God is faithful. I fall more and more in love with Jesus. He is an incredible experience, that I hope to see everyone seek for themselves, so I should never miss an opportunity to show His love to those He has entrusted to me.

Those moments of anxiety come with rather gruesome images. In the last 8 months, I’ve seen myself shot in the head, 2x. Stabbed in the kidney. Ran over by a car. Raped & strangled. The list goes on and on. I know the images are not real and have no power over me except that which I give them, and right now they keep me trapped in an illusion of security that does not exist because my only security is found in God. The Creator of Heaven and Earth.

I know His voice. It’s been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I just don’t trust me.
My fear of making a mistake, of saying or doing the wrong thing, keeps me frozen in place. In some areas of my life, I trust Him implicitly. In others, I can’t seem to stay out of His way, when He keeps telling me to Be Still. To Wait Upon The Lord. To Testify. To Trust With All My Heart.
What is it going to take? What more do I need?

God has a plan and a purpose for us all. Every one of us is important to Him. He leaves the 99 to look for His one lost sheep. Isn’t it our responsibility to speak up and help the lost sheep home?
When you find yourself in a position where you recognize the pain, the emptiness in someone you claim to love, how do you not speak up? How do you say “I know they need to find God but it doesn’t have to be me who helps them.” Or “I’ll pray for them.”?

‘Samuel did not yet know the Lord because he had
never had a message from the Lord before.
So the Lord called a third time, and once more
Samuel got up and went to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
Then Eli realized it was the Lord who was calling the boy.
So he said to Samuel, “Go and lie down again, and if someone calls again,
say, ‘Speak, Lord , your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went back to bed.
And the Lord came and called as before, “Samuel! Samuel!”
And Samuel replied, “Speak, your servant is listening.”
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Conflicted

July 12th, 2023
How is it completely possible to see Your hand at work, God, to experience You in a way that I never thought possible, to feel Joy in Your presence and be thankful for Your provisions and still feel compelled by the road I know will lead to misery, heartbreak and pain?
There are moments where I wonder where my self control is, and then I realize that I never had any, which is why I never put myself in situations.

I sit here singing about being led back home by my Father, while simultaneously mourning the loss of what will never be, and it feels hypocritical. I make no sense.
I know that Your plans are bigger and better, God, than anything I could ever conjure up in my head, and for that I am incredibly grateful, abundantly so, but that does not mean I don’t feel, at times, like a part of my heart is dying over the loss of something that never belonged to me.

There is so much love, deep in my heart, for the things, places and people, who hinder my growth. I can’t for the life of me, explain why it hurts to let go of the idea of something, even when I know that it is not beneficial to hold on to any of it.
I want the life that You created me to live, God, the life Jesus died for me to have, with You and for You, but my heart mourns over the loss of other things, that should not matter. I am not referring to the material things in life, I am not afraid to lose those. I know Who is in control of the day to day details of my life, the material things are all replaceable. It just hurts to give up on something I wanted for so long, especially when it feels like it is finally within reach. But it’s not.
It was just not in Your plans for my life, God, and I can’t keep attempting to force it in.

Thank You Jesus, for you make the pain bearable. In love and in grace, You hold me up, The Strength in my weakness.
I would not change a single second of my life. Through the dark days You have been faithful, always present and encouraging me with gentleness and love. Over and over You have shown yourself true to your word. Thank You!

How is it so hard to let go of what hinders the growth I so desperately seek?

I don’t know how I got here. It’s as though I was sleepwalking, and now I don’t know how to find my way out. I don’t know how to surrender this to You, but I know that I need to. I need to hold myself accountable, exercise self-control, let go and never look back.

Will my heart ever feel whole again, Lord?

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but I do know that in due time You will heal and restore my heart. I know that the pain I feel now will serve to glorify Your name in my life and strengthen my trust in You.
I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I do know that as long as I draw breath, Jesus, You will be at my side, holding my hand in the darkness and pain. I know that You will go before me, clearing the path ahead.
I know that You will be behind me, keeping me safe.
I have never felt so conflicted in my life, but I know that I am not to trust my feelings, You taught me that.

Everything I have, Lord, You gave me. All a blessing You chose to bestow upon me, all part of Your provisions, Your way of giving me all that I needed when I needed it, Father, but never mine to keep.
You are all I need, Lord and You are more than enough.
Thank You, Jesus!
I never want to take our relationship for granted, Lord.

I repent for ever putting more value in the provisions than The Provider.

‘He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord !” -Job 1:21 NLT
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Lessons from Jonah

July 8th, 2023
Sunset over Arlington 07.01.2023

I am rendered speechless, on an almost daily basis, by God’s incredible faithfulness.
My heart is overwhelmed with gratitude for the many daily blessings that He bestows upon me.

I’m glad there is no way to fully capture His love into words, it’s something that has to be experienced.
God wants us to encounter Him, and no two experiences are ever the exact same. There are similarities in our stories, yes, but every single one of us gets a tailor-made, once in a lifetime relationship with our Creator.

My gratitude overflows. My heart feels as though it will burst from joy most days. There is chaos all around me but all I feel is His peace.

I look back over the last 19 years of my life and I see how God has answered every frantic prayer that I ever made, long before I even really knew Him.
God has always been faithful.
I see His hand at work in every detail, and how through it all, He has always gone before me to carefully arrange things for me. The years have not been easy, but getting here, to Him, having this relationship with my Creator, has been worth all of it and more.
The remembrance of His past faithfulness propels me into this new season with a confidence I did not think me capable of. Some days, I still don’t.

The last 4 weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. To say that it has been a painful adjustment period, is an understatement.
In a way, none of the changes seem real, and yet I know deep inside my heart that nothing will ever be the same again… and my gratitude overflows.

In early June, after some intense days of mourning the loss of my life as I knew it, [I am not so great with change yet and there have been a lot of changes] I promised God that while I learned to navigate the road He had chosen for us, I would simply say ‘yes’ more often to His opportunities.
It has not been easy to say ‘Yes, Lord’ more, even on little things, I will not deny that. I struggle with my obedience, particularly when I don’t understand or can’t see what He is doing. It comes from a place of self-doubt, usually but it’s disobedience nonetheless, and it breaks me because I hate to disappoint Him. But God in all his gracious mercy always finds new and creative ways to get my attention, to confirm His word, and encourage me forward by reminding me of who He is and how faithful He always has been to us.

My God is a God of miracles.
He is a God of restoration.
A God of provision.
A God of revelation.
He does the impossible every single day.
For all of that and so much more, I am forever THANKFUL.

I am blessed to see His hand at work, and I’ve become so reliant on what I see, the things that He shows me, that I question the steps that require blind faith.
My whole life, I was searching for this, for Him. I did not always understand that, but on some deeper level, I always knew that nothing the world offered satisfied, and the explanations for the emptiness that drives us, just did not make sense to me.
I ran from God. I was searching for Him without realizing I was missing the very thing that I was running from, and now that I found Him and He has welcomed me Home with open arms, I strive for perfection and get frustrated with myself when I inevitably fall short, of course.

I am very much His work in progress, and I comprehend that perfection is not attainable. God is not looking for perfect, He is looking for heart.

We have all heard how God saved Jonah from the whale, but no one wants to get into how he landed himself in the whale in the first place.
Jonah was a prophet on the run, he was selfish and therefore disobedient. He was more concerned with how he looked to those around him than he was with pleasing the Lord. Jonah’s decision to run put others at risk, and even after being rescued, after begrudgingly doing as he was commanded and seeing God’s mighty hand at work, Jonah finishes his story by exemplifying the very thing we are at our very core, selfish.
See, God showed mercy to the people of Nineveh, who repented because of His message via Jonah, making Jonah look a fool when His prediction of doom did not come to pass, which made Jonah angry.
Jonah was so concerned with himself that he refused to see the beauty of God’s mercy and grace. None of us are any more deserving of God’s forgiveness and grace than the people of Nineveh were. Jonah definitely wasn’t, what with his running away and anger issues. And neither am I.

I do not wish to have a heart that is hard and self-centered.
I do not want to let my own expectations and lack of understanding become a hindrance to my walk with God.
I do not want to hold on to anger and resentment.
I do not want to be untrusting, and unforgiving, and without wanting to be,
there are too many times when I am just that, yet in the midst of my worst,
God shows me just that, mercy, forgiveness and grace.

God sees my heart, he sees my struggles. There is so much I do not know about tomorrow, but over the course of the last month, God has been preparing me for things that require my complete trust in Him and my obedience. My road is dark and unknown to me, walking it will require me to think less and trust and obey more.

God has taught me that my main concern in all situations should always be, whether or not I am pleasing Him. He has shown me that honesty is costly and you can’t expect it from cheap people, but I should love them regardless, and that marriage is forged in the hardships.
The best quality in a partner is not how much money he or she makes, but that they are seeking to please God in every aspect of their life.
It is important to know who your spouse is and what he is truly capable of when times are hard, the kids are sick, the money is nonexistent and the problems abound.
I also learned that when I find myself in the middle of my very own Exodus, the people going through the wilderness with me are just as important to His process as the posture of my heart. He placed the right people along my path and showed me He can use anything and anyone for His good purpose, and glory, whether they believe in Him or not.
God taught me that He wants people who trust Him enough to go through 40 years in the wilderness with song and praise, and that lesson has been the hardest of all for me, but also the most liberating.

Obedience can be painful, but then so is disobedience.
Obedience requires a willingness on my part to do what does not come naturally, because He works in ways that are not always understood going in, just looking back. Obedience requires me to do what is out of my comfort zone. It hurts to put the needs of others above your own but then, Jesus Christ did just that and He is the Son of God, how can we do any less?

Disobedience is worse, in my experience. It takes everything from me and leaves me empty and restless. It drives me to busyness that never satisfies. It brings the pain of consequence with it, which is a different kind of pain.
I have always encountered my Lord and Savior in the midsts of my pain, so in the end, for me, it came down to this:

What am I willing to suffer for?

I praise God when He allows me to be tested, satan would not work this hard to keep us down unless God had big plans for us, for His glory, and so I thank Him when I am broken.
I am grateful to Him for taking the time to shine a light in the dark places. I thank him for choosing to tear me down and build me back up, better and stronger in Him than ever before.
I rejoice for all He has taught me through the struggles. I feel gratitude that He allows me to see His hand at work every day. I’m grateful that He takes the time to correct me after I make a mistake and encourage me when doubt starts to creep in
I thank Him for the years of wandering through the barren wilderness, and for those going through it with me. I thank Him for His supernatural provisions. I am thankful for the doors He opens, but most importantly, I am thankful for the doors He closes.

“This change of plans greatly upset Jonah, and he became very angry.
So he complained to the Lord about it: “Didn’t I say before I left home that you would do this, Lord? That is why I ran away to Tarshish! I knew that you are a merciful and compassionate God, slow to get angry and filled with unfailing love. You are eager to turn back from destroying people.
Just kill me now, Lord! I’d rather be dead than alive if what I predicted will not happen.”
The Lord replied, “Is it right for you to be angry about this?”
Jonah 4:1-4
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Setback

June 10th, 2023
I was already overwhelmed, so of course, I went and made it worse. I shut down my feelings, again.
I am numb. I keep waiting for the feelings to hit, but they don’t.
It’s not so much about what I missed, Jesus but what I dismissed. I know. The excuses I made, the many times I told myself I was crazy and seeing things that were not there…

I don’t know where we go from here, Father.

I know you don’t condone sin, Jesus, but I also know that, as you know all things, you knew I’d be here. I know that because I look back now and see the times you tried to warn me, though that too, I dismissed, because I didn’t understand it, and I have felt your forgiveness, Lord, though I have yet to forgive myself.

I really just don’t know where we go from here, Father. What possible use could you have for me, now?

You have been so faithful, God.
The gentle lover of my soul.
You deserve a child who is bold in you, someone who speaks up, not a coward who refused to take every way out you gave her.
Help me understand, God. Where the weaknesses lies and why. Teach me how to surrender it all to you. Help me, Jesus. Help us.
We are all so lost, Lord. More than we realize. The emptiness in me is something that runs deeper than I knew, and there are a lot more cracks in the foundation than I was aware of.
None of this comes as a surprise to you, of course, nothing ever does. You have always known the true depths of my depravity, loneliness and emptiness.

God… You truly are the lover of my soul. The only one who makes me whole. You break me, and restore my heart, mind and soul. God you are the only one who can bring my dead bones, and my dead heart back to life. Only you have the mighty power to do so. I could be, and should be, dust but for your mercy, Jesus. I deserve to be nothing less, but some way, somehow, you see past the hardness of my heart, past my failures and shortcomings, and love me anyways.

Thank you, Jesus for your love, forgiveness and redemption. Lead my day. Lead my steps. Show me how to love and forgive, not just others, but myself. Show me the way forward. Help me learn from this. Give me your wisdom.
Help me remember who you are. Help me let go of what hinders my walk with you. Help me accept truth. Help me understand it. Open my eyes, Lord. Help me stop being so dismissive. Help me discern. Help me stop rejecting the truth.
Help me, Jesus.
Help me.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge,
a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in him at all times.
Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge
Psalms 62:5-8 NLT
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God Knows

June 9th, 2023
Sunset 06.06.2023

I do not believe God is ever permissive of sin.

I believe He allows me to be tested, to be tempted. God gives me opportunities, and I make choices.
Every day is a choice between Him and the world, between Him and the weaknesses within me, the demons that have been hunting me down for a very long time.

God gave me free will, He understands every aspect of me, better than I understand myself. He knows where my pain is, my loneliness, the brokenness that cries out to be whole again. He knows better than anyone the motives that drive my heart, both good and bad. God knows the darkness that dwells within, the emptiness. God knows where there is love, and where the doubt hides. He knows my every scar, and every story behind them. God has a complete understanding, of who and what I really am.

I do not believe in a God that makes excuses for sin, no, I believe in a God who calls my sin a sin, and tells me I am forgiven and loved, and then proceeds to, firmly but lovingly, use the circumstances as a teaching opportunity, for my growth and His glory.

I make no excuses. I have none.

This was not a stumble on my part but a well thought out decision, made 100% from a place of desperation. I knew there was a better way, but for reasons that do not make sense, even to me, it was, in a way, what I ‘felt I needed to do in order to close the door once and for all, and be able to heal and move on.’

Little did I know…

I would never advocate for purposely/willfully opening the door to sin. It’s a door that, once cracked, is hard to close. No one walks away from sin unscathed. Sin always inflicts damage that is painful to heal from, though not impossible. We don’t always see the damage right away, but there are spiritual consequences to sin, and physical ones too, regardless of the excuses I tell myself for why I sinned. I am living with those consequences now, and I feel as though my heart is broken, and a piece is missing.

At first, I didn’t know what to do. I felt as though I could not turn to God with it because it was a deliberate choice I made, but I found out those feelings were a lie. I can take everything to God.
I chose to seek what I believed to be answers, in an effort to shut the door in the face of the “what if.”
It didn’t work out that way, of course. I now have more questions than answers, and I learned that I can not run from the “what ifs” of life. The thoughts will always plague me.
This was not a whim. I do not make decisions lightly, on the contrary, normally I overthink to the point of being paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision, but this time I somehow knew what I would do, even before I knew the choice existed, I don’t even know why, but that is a conversation for another day.

Was it self-sabotage?
I could not tell you, but I chose to be immensely thankful for the lessons that come from the pain, the doubt and the insecurities.
I am struggling under the weight of very contradicting feelings and voice that tries to tell me that there is no coming back from this, and admittedly, there is not, I know. Yet when I was lost in my pain Jesus picked me up, dusted me off with a hug and a kiss and told me I would be ok, and I believe Him.

It’s not guilt that eats at me. It’s the understanding of how undeserving of His love and forgiveness, I truly am.

I am thankful, for I know that I will come out better in the end. God sees my heart. Already, this has given me a new perspective, and a new level of compassion and understanding for those who are lost to God’s truth and seeking to fill the emptiness inside. So many of us are desperately seeking for that which only Jesus can give, and I am forever grateful that He opened my eyes to the truth that only He satisfies.
Our time on earth is not about our satisfaction, anyway, that is merely a byproduct of our wholehearted service to Him, but I digress.

I know that my failures and shortcomings, do not disqualify me from serving God, on the contrary, it is His strength in my weakness that expands His Kingdom, His light shining out of me, and reflected for those around me.

I fell short, but it taught compassion. I fell short but the experience brought with it a fresh understanding of His love for me, of His capacity for forgiveness, His patience and grace towards me. I have seen God glorified in impossible situations, building bridges where none should have been possible. I do not know what will be the end result of this, but I trust that someway, somehow, someday, God will use it for His glory and good purpose.

God calls us to testify to His love and mercy, and many people do, but He has taught me that testifying is not always about speaking, or sharing, though that is important. Sharing our struggles is a part of our walk, and it helps others see God’s hand at work in their life, but sometimes our best testimony is the quiet, simple life that we live, loving and serving those around us just for the simple joy of loving them, as God loves us.

‘So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.’
Romans 7:14-25 NLT
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Self Awareness

June 4th, 2023
The hardest realization has been the true condition of my heart.
The knowledge that somewhere along the road, I not only lost sight of who I was, but became someone I do not recognize.

I am struggling, under what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I know Jesus is the one doing the heavy lifting.
And yet I feel myself drowning in a sea of emotions I do not understand, unable to process everything I am feeling and uncertain as to what any of it means.
I feel distracted, I keep having to redirect my thoughts, to keep focused on Him and trust that whatever I may feel, He is in control of every detail of my life.

Somedays I sit on the dining room bench and just stare at my orchid, reminding myself, repeatedly, that it is a beautiful reminder that God knew I would be here, in this place, at this time, with these struggles and I would need a visual reminder that He is with me, He loves me and He hears my cries.

Thank You, Jesus.

God’s faithfulness is overwhelming. I am fully aware of how undeserving I am, because I have not always been faithful to God.

Growth is a painful but important process, as is healing, and as crazy as it sounds, they are a part of the process I’ve come to not just understand, but crave. I know that He makes everything better in the end, but knowing does not necessarily make the process any easier.

It’s not that I was unaware that I had spiritual skeletons that needed to be unearthed and properly dealt with, none of this makes any difference, unless I have true repentance and true commitment, it’s just that I was just not expecting to come face to face with these particular skeletons.

I now realize that my pride got in the way of seeing things clearly. I was quick to judge what I did not understand and for that, God has stripped me naked. I am humbled by the fallibility of my humanity. It’s not my weakness that shakes me, it’s where the weakness lies.
I acknowledge that knowing better does not always mean, doing better and that God can use even my weakest moments to bring about His purpose in my life.

I trust you to lead me, Jesus.
Save me from myself, Lord.

“Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away.
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need.
My power works best in weakness.”
So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses,
so that the power of Christ can work through me.
That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses,
and in the insults, hardships, persecutions,
and troubles that I suffer for Christ.
For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2nd Corinthians 12: 8-10 NLT
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Restoration

June 4th, 2023
I could not have foreseen where the road would lead, and if you had told me, I would not have believed it.
It came when I least expected it, like a roller coaster on steroids. There have been so many ups and downs. So many moments of laughter and tears, and I am forever grateful for them all, I would not be here without them. Without him.

The last 5 years of our lives have been intense, to say the least. I could not put into words all we have been through, and how we have come out stronger on the other side. The hardships opened my eyes to who he was, underneath all of the imperfections and insecurities, they opened my eyes to who I was, too. To what I had become.

I have seen God bring my marriage back from a pile of dry bones to a living, breathing relationship, better than it has ever been before.
I have seen Him break us, mold us, and make us stronger, both as individuals and as a couple.
Our seeking a relationship with God separately, has brought us closer together.
I have watched Michael grow into a strong man of faith in Christ, who leads his family where God leads him, and he leads us with unshakeable faith, and a grace I cannot fathom, carrying an unbearable weight with a strength that can only be found in our Creator.

It took us the better part of 12 years to understand that we were not each other’s enemies, and to remember that God had a plan for us, a purpose. To see that we had allowed the enemy to distract us from what we knew from the start.
It took Michael stepping out in faith, seeking God for who He really is, to start this avalanche of spiritual warfare, as well as spiritual healing and growth, in this family.
Like falling dominoes, we all are falling in love with God.

My only regret is that it took us so long to get on the same page with Christ, to understand what was being offered to us, yes, but also, what was being asked of us.
There is nothing God can’t use for His purpose and glory. It’s not so much about the years we ‘wasted’ as it is about the fact that we are here, finally. Allowing God’s spirit to lead us forward in life. Trusting that His plan for us is greater than we could ever imagine, knowing that if this is as good as it ever gets, it is already better than it ever was, and that alone is more than I could have ever dream of.

God is faithful to those who seek Him earnestly, and I have seen Michael do that. His blessings are beyond what we deserve but not why we worship Him. We worship for who He is, and because of who He is, He showers us with His blessings and His love.

The last 5 yrs have been rough. There has been loss, heartbreak, and betrayal. There have been tears, pain and sorrow. We said things we can’t take back and did things, I can only hope we have learned from, because regret will not change any of it now, but it all taught me to see the beauty that hides in the pain. I’ve learned to be thankful for what I have, instead of dwelling in the past and what was not to be. I put aside my own expectations of who we were and embraced God’s identity for us.
I am thankful for the incredible man God blessed me with. I am thankful for my children and I am excited to see where God takes us next.

Thank you, Jesus, for your restoration. Only you can bring the dead to life. Thank you.

‘“Therefore, give the people of Israel
this message from the Sovereign Lord :
I am bringing you back,
but not because you deserve it.
I am doing it to protect my holy name,
on which you brought shame while
you were scattered among the nations.
I will show how holy my great name is—
the name
on which you brought shame among the nations.
And when I reveal my holiness through you
before their very eyes, says the Sovereign Lord ,
then the nations will know that I am the Lord .
For I will gather you up from all the nations and
bring you home again to your land. “Then I will
sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean.
Your filth will be washed away, and you will
no longer worship idols.
And I will give you a new heart, and I will put
a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony,
stubborn heart and give you a tender,
responsive heart. And I will put my Spirit in you
so that you will follow my decrees and
be careful to obey my regulations. ‘
Ezekiel 36:22-27 NLT
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