I do not live the life I thought I wanted but I do live a life I really enjoy.
It’s different and difficult. In some aspects it lacks the structure I’m used to, but then the structure of God is rather different than that of the world.
All things with God are.
I miss having a schedule, I miss getting up at 4 in the morning to spent time with Jesus in the privacy of the closet before I set off to work, I miss silence… but what I have is better, and Jesus is available 24/7, silence not so much.
I love our impromptu days at the park or the library. The opportunities that come up that we would otherwise miss out on if we lived the life I thought I wanted because I’d be at work and my child would be at school, like other children his age. Honestly, I can’t even imagine him in a classroom, he’d be so bored, and I’d miss out on the countless stories, drawing and discoveries he makes through out the day.
I love watching him grow in his relationship with Jesus, he already knows his Bible better than I do. I love listening to his prayers, children have such a pure heart and Jesus called us to be childlike in our walk with Him… who best to learn childlike trust from than a child?
There are so many things I wish were different or rather easier. Some days I wish the business was busier, thought I am thankful for our small beginning. I know it’s only programming on my part. It’s strange sometimes to find that all I was taught was wrong, even though it’s in the scriptures. We (society) have such a pessimistic view of life, we are never happy, we want things to be better, easier, comfortable. We are prone to ingratitude and complaints. We stress about things that are weeks if not months away. Always looking for the next experience, adventure or acquisition.
We take so much for granted. Too much.
Life did not make sense to me then, but life makes sense now.
The complete and utter alteration my life underwent with Jesus at the helm, as a project manager of sorts, has not been without difficulty or pain, but His ways make sense, and bring me peace.
I was created with a plan and a purpose, with gifts and dreams, that are all rooted in who Jesus made to be. He literally gave me the desires of my heart when He created me, which have nothing to do with what the world has taught me, and He never once expected me to go through life on my own figuring out what “I want to be when I grow up.” As I discover who He is and who He made me to be, I find that God is not the author of chaos and confusion, it’s the world that has misled me about everything, and a lot of times, most of the time, really, we don’t know because we have not asked Him.
In Him, all of my questions have answers, all of my pain has a purpose, so much of it was self inflected, because I was trying to figure out life rather than seeking Him, His kingdom, His righteousness.
I am thankful to Jesus Christ for His patience, mercy and grace, for the gift of time to turn my life around rather than allowing me to perish forever when He should have. I’m thankful for a 2nd chance at life, at marriage, at parenting, to learn His way in all things and live a life that is worthy of His mercy and grace.
Perfect I am not, and I will never be, but I can choose to be a person who seeks the will, the wisdom, of God over her life and her family in all aspects, who has gratitude to Him in all things and for all things, and who would rather be “missing out” on a life that is filled with stress and anxiety trying to keep up with the demands of an ever changing world, because in Jesus I have all I need, spiritually, physically and mentally. One day at a time.
The more I know God, the more I understand the intricacies of His design, and I find there is comfort in His purpose.
No, I am not living the life I thought I wanted, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why I ever wanted it at all… but I can never thank Him enough for all He has done for me today, and over the years, as He has been teaching me, breaking me, molding me, and for our time together, for our strange way of life, for the neighbors He has surrounded us with, for the peace and simplicity of the life that He has called us to, together, heavy as it may be at times, He always carries the load, anyway.
Maybe this will always be our life, maybe it won’t, I do not know and it does not matter. God knows what tomorrow holds and today, I simply chose to cherish, with praise and gratitude to my Lord Jesus Christ.
“There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.” Proverbs 14:12 NLT
“And yet, “Better to have one handful with quietness than two handfuls with hard work and chasing the wind.”” Ecclesiastes 4:6 NLT
“Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.” Ecclesiastes 6:10 NLT
I do not know how or why, but I do. I’ve seen them since I was a child, and though I did not always understand what they meant, I could see the repetitiveness of certain circumstances or situations in my life & the life of those around me. Because of this, people have always found me harsh in speech & I’ll admit, it’s hard to keep quiet sometimes, but…
God is prepping the soil. I’m learning to work through things with Him, and so here we are;
I see it, but unlike previous times, this time I have nothing to say. This time, I’m getting out of His way so that people can fail or succeed on their own.
“Good intentions,” and the need to” protect” someone we love is such a strange double sided blade. Just because something makes us feel better does not mean it is helpful Just because we want something does not mean it is in our best interest.
Love cuts. Jesus.
True love is not an endless happy feeling deep in my chest. It is the constant choice to show up with truth, with whole-hearted assistance & support, for those You have entrusted to me, without expectations, strings or manipulation. Love is choosing to accept that others are fallible, just as I am, and forgiveness and grace are essential, while also remembering that hard conversations close the door to resentment, and lead to a healthier situation for all. Love is understanding that I am the one who changed on them, and in their own way they care but they to not understand, and I cannot explain it to them, for very many reasons, not the least of which is Jesus Christ has to be experienced. He is a person, not an idea. We can share our testimonies but you do not know His faithfulness until you give Him the opportunity to show Himself faithful in the way that only He can.
I see patterns, and they drive people crazy because no one likes to be warned off their wants. I want to make things better, I want to teach them differently, I want to save them from pain, but if I’ve learned anything at all is that what broke me, won’t fix me.
It won’t fix them either.
The best I can do for all involved is remove myself, my feelings and my opinions out of the equation & pray;
Intercede rather than intervene.
Now, I let Jesus handle me, them & all involved. I trust Him to do what I have seen Him do with me. With us.
You created us, Lord, You know us inside & out, You know which lessons we need & how to best walk us & teach us through it.
People like to say “life/time are the best teaches,” but that’s not true.
You are the best teacher.
Only You.
In this season. I choose to focus on me. On You. On how I can better walk in obedience to You, Your word, Your calling over my life. I don’t care to be distracted by what You are or not doing in the lives of others, not even my husband or children.
I know that above all I answer to You, I trust You to lead. I choose to trust You & Michael to lead me. I know who You are. I have seen Your faithfulness every day of my life. You wrote my testimony. You saved me from myself, You have always kept me safe, housed, fed. I now understand what used to elude me:
My provider is You. My provision is You. In You, I will always have enough, of all I need.
With or without people, whoever they may be, I just need you. You created me with a plan and a purpose, and obedience is what you value most, and I have discovered that I like Your ways better, and so I aim to please You. It is not always easy, to love them as You have asked me to, but surrendering them to You is the best I can do, for them and for me. To love them with an open palm knowing that You gave them to me, You can take them back at any time, for any reason, and I live in gratitude for the good and the bad of today, whatever that looks like. If I can trust You with my life, I can trust You with theirs too. I will trust You to teach them through their mistakes, to refine them in their fire & while it hurts to watch my people stress, hurt & struggles, when I can so clearly see there’s a better way, I cannot rob them of the experiences that break their chains and brings them closer to You. I cannot hinder their process. You are writing their testimony as You wrote mine. ..
And so I see the patterns, Lord. In my life, and in their life, but this time I choose to sit and pray and stay out of the way. I will occupy my thoughts with Your word and my time proceeding with the tasks You asked me to complete. I know that You know who they are, You know where their pain lies, You know their strength & weakness, and You so much better than me, know their patterns, the calling You have over their lives, and I will praise & worship my way through my wilderness and theirs, I will stand in the gap, for their victory, for the honor of Your name.
Abraham understood, Lord, how to walk with You. How to receive Your blessings & entrust them back to You. People always try to hold on. Abraham was willing to sacrifice his child, his promise, long awaited for 25 long years. Abraham set off believing that God would provide an alternate sacrifice, or even raise Isaac back from the dead, he did not understand but he trusted, he did not give up halfway to Mt. Moriah and turn around because he had not yet seen God’s provision, he stayed the course and trusted his beloved child back to God, and his unshakeable faith saved Isaac from his death sentence. Where Sarah would have held on, as we mothers tend to do, argue, debate, negotiate, Abraham loved and cared for his son with his palm opened. Gentle. Patient. Trusting that God gave it, and if God took it away, it was because God had a plan for Isaac’s life that, Abraham did not understand, but chose to trust anyway. Abraham had seen God’s miraculous provision and favor. He had seen The Lord be faithful in the past, he did not allow himself to doubt or worry.
I now choose to do the same.
I will continue to pray for them. I will pray for them all, Jesus., friends, family, strangers, that You may open their eyes to any truth they are refusing to see, that You may open their ears to Your voice, so that they can march to the cadence of Your voice, alone.
I want so desperately to fix things. I can throw myself at busy work that leads nowhere but arguments and drama, very well… but the ways of the world have always failed me, no matter how or why, I just never have walked in sync with it, and for that I am grateful because, through my collection of life failures and unsatisfactory achievements, I found my way to You, Jesus, and I know that if You could take that mess of a girl and turn her into who I am today, healed, whole… then those I loved the most are safe in Your hands.
I serve You best by simply staying out of the way, quiet, and praying, worshipping, telling of Your goodness and faithfulness at every possible turn and trusting beyond all hope in You.
“Then Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head [in mourning for the children], and he fell to the ground and worshiped [God]. He said, “Naked (without possessions) I came [into this world] from my mother’s womb, And naked I will return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” Job 1:20-22 AMP
“I will give thanks and praise the Lord, with all my heart; I will tell aloud all Your wonders and marvelous deeds. I will rejoice and exult in you; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.” Psalms 9:1-2 AMP
“All things are wearisome and all words are frail; Man cannot express it. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, Nor is the ear filled with hearing. [Prov 27:20] That which has been is that which will be [again], And that which has been done is that which will be done again. So there is nothing new under the sun. There is no remembrance of earlier things, Nor also of the later things that are to come; There will be for them no remembrance By generations who will come after them.” Ecclesiastes 1:8-9, 11 AMP
By faith Abraham, when he was tested [that is, as the testing of his faith was still in progress], offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises [of God] was ready to sacrifice his only son [of promise]; [Gen 22:1-10] to whom it was said, “Through Isaac your descendants shall be called.” [Gen 21:12] For he considered [it reasonable to believe] t hat God was able to raise Isaac even from among the dead. [Indeed, in the sense that he was prepared to sacrifice Isaac in obedience to God] Abraham did receive him back [from the dead] figuratively speaking.” Hebrews 11:17-19 AMP
The world is hurting, Lord, and by comparison, my troubles really are nothing at all.
You know who they are, Jesus.
You know the deepest, darkest corners of their hearts. You know their hopes, their fears, their doubts, their dreams… You know, Jesus.
You know.
You see all things, Lord. You see them. You count every tear. They may not know You yet, Jesus, but you know them. You keep them. You are their only hope, though some do not know it at all.
Some are friends. Some are family. Some are acquaintances, others are complete strangers to me, yet all are known and loved by You, Lord. They are not strangers to You, and there is an invitation before them all to be Yours. Only Yours. You know the best and worst of them. You care, You see, You know. They cannot yet see You, feel you or trust You, but you have never once left their side.
They are terrified, Lord. They are hurting. There is a hopelessness about them. A million unanswered questions that threatned to drown them. They cannot see a way out, and frankly, only You know if a way out even exists.
Tomorrow is promised to none of us. Only You have all the answers.
For each and everyone of them, I have stood in gap, in prayer and supplication, but You, Lord, You teach, You correct, You want us to truly find our way Home to You.
And so You said to me:
“Not this way. Not this time.”
and I understand now, Lord. How you are chosing to have me proceed here. How I am to stand in the gap, in praise and worship, in gratitude, because they are not yet able, willing or maybe just capable, to praise and thank You for the hardships of life, but…
I know You to be faithful, Jesus. I know You to be gracious. But You forge things in the fire.
I have learned to trust You with my life Lord, with a trust that You have earned despite my weak and hardheaded ways, and I stand in praise and worship, from a place of victory, for the day when they will trust You and only You, with their life too, Jesus.
As we should.
Thank You, Jesus, for opening my eyes, and theirs. Thank You for wrapping us in Your peace and safety, through the storms of life. I have seen what You can do and I bring my “paralitic friends” to You, as You requested Lord, not in doubt but in celebration, for the lives that will be won for Your Kingdom.
When word of the first diagnosis came months ago, I never could have forseen how many more of those we would be hearing of in the months to come. Over and over, so many people from all walks of life are fearing for their lives, literally. They are carrying heavy burdens, they are being given percentages and averages that are not comforting, and You did not intend for them to carry the weight without You, but they don’t know how to allow You to carry their load, and so I came to You in prayer, and then repeteadly over the months, as others were receiving all similar news, I came asking, begging, bartering, for the miracle that I knew would heal and win them for you… but You brought something to my attention, about me, about them. At first I did not fully understood, but as always, You further delve into the heart of the matter, and understanding is given to me. You gave me the account in Mark 2. A paralytic man who was healed because his friends believed, and you asked me:
What did I believe? Believe is not what I say, but what I do.
I was praying for their healing, but what did I truly expect of You? What did I truly think You capable of doing? Who did I believe had the final authority here? There have been a lot of really hard, really mindblowing questions that I just never thought I would have to consider but… hard questions are Your speciality. After more weeks of praying, from a position of defeat [not to be confused with a position of surrender] You brought my attention to a very important and now almost painfully obvious point:
I first needed to decide where my agreement lay.
Did I believe what the doctors said about the person, or did I believe what You said about the person? It’s one or the other, I cannot come into agreement with both…
You pointed out that the friends of the paralytic man, did not break a hole in the roof to see if maybe Jesus could or would. They knew what You could do, they had seen Your power, and if the possibility of their friend not being healed entered their heads, to my view, they did not act like it.
Then you brought my attention to the Centurion and how the same can be said of him. The centurion was a soldier in man’s army. A man who understood chain of command, understood power. He did not need Jesus to come into His home, more frankly, he knew he was not worthy of such honor. He did not need to see Jesus lay hands on his servant. In that way, he did not limit God. He truly recognized Jesus’ power, and submitted to it accordingly. Jesus said “I will come” but the centurion spoke the truth his heart recognized, Jesus did not need to be physically present to perform the miracle of healing his servant.
There was no room for doubt. No place for maybe, and so:
I do not come into agreement with what the world, the experts, have said. In fact, I reject it.
I do come into agreement with God’s word and His will over your lives.
FRIEND: I know life hurts. I know you are scared, for yourself or for someone you love, it makes no difference, sooner or later, fear comes for us all. I know you have a lot going through your mind and it may not seem like it, but I love you so much. I know, I dont even know some of you, but I know The God who loves you, and so I love you too, and I stand in the gap, to help you carry your load, as God calls us to do for one another. I do not surrender your life to professional opinions, when I know that God is the only one whose opinion actually matters. The only one who can, who will.
As someone who should have been dead and buried long ago but by the grace of Jesus… I know firsthand that when God is not done with us, there is nothing that can take us out and I beg YOU:
Open your heart and mind to Him fully. We should not limit Him to what we think, feel or see. Paul told us that “hope which is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he alreadys sees?” Allow yourself to learn to trust Him. Cling to Him. Speak to Him like He is a friend in the room, because He is. He is present He is listening. Come as you are, unload the burdens of your soul and dare to see what God can do with it all. Allow Him.
Remember we are all facing different kinds of difficulties. Some are not necesarily better than others, just different, as all are painful and difficult to us in their own way, but I invite you to ask yourself:
What is really the worst that can happen if you allowed God complete and total control of your life, with trust, praise and worship no matter what it looks like and inspite of what others say?
Until you are able to answer that question, if only for yourself, know that I, and many others, are here, trusting, praising, thanking and worshipping on your behalf. God has the last word. Always.
“Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. For he will rescue you from every trap and protect you from deadly disease.” Psalms 91:1-3 NLT
“The Lord himself watches over you! The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade. The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon at night. The Lord keeps you from all harm and watches over your life. The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go, both now and forever.” Psalms 121:5-8 NLT
“The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to him and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10 NLT
“I have called you back from the ends of the earth, saying, ‘You are my servant.’ For I have chosen you and will not throw you away. Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Isaiah 41:9-10 NLT
“But the Lord is faithful; he will strengthen you and guard you from the evil one. And we are confident in the Lord that you are doing and will continue to do the things we commanded you. May the Lord lead your hearts into a full understanding and expression of the love of God and the patient endurance that comes from Christ.” 2 Thessalonians 3:3-5 NLT
I don’t know how You do it, and what’s more, I don’t understand why You bother. Personally, I have zero patience for my own stubbornness most days. I see the patterns, but breaking the behavior is harder than people tend to acknowledge.
Thank You.
Thank you for Your patience and mercy.
Thank You for every humbling reminder of just how much I have to be thankful for.
Thank You.
The last week has been one for the books. I see how You use those closest to me to teach and correct me. I now understand (to a small extent and in a very different way) why David knew that he could face Goliath and succeed. The intimacy and isolation of the pasture fields allowed for the time, and the predators presented opportunities, to truly develop that trust in You, God.
I pray more of us develop a heart for You as David had, but mostly I pray more of us remember all of David’s story, his failures as well as his successes.
Thank You for the people You placed on our path today.
Thank You for never leaving me.
Thank you for always allowing me to hear how stupid my own doubt sounds.
I understand why it had to be this way, and what’s more, I thank You for it. Today, I find myself grateful for simply breathing, because when that alone is a miracle, everything else is a bonus. Only You. Jesus could make a way. It is not about what You have given me, but about Your faithful presence. It’s about You being more than enough. You keeping Your promises. About how you lead, how You provide, always to Your standard not mine.
I have no interest in the crown. I have no desire for the responsibilities that would come with one, but I do want the heart of David and the wisdom of Solomon.
I want to fully, wholeheartedly live life for You.
Totally and completely.
I understand now that You knew me, You created me, You had a plan and a purpose for me before I was ever born. I need not find my place in this world because my place is in You, and because of that, any place is home, as long as You are there. I am thankful for You, for all that You are and all that You give, and I am committed to living this life You have called me to, because I want to honor and obey You.
I want to serve You with my whole heart all of the days of my life, and I cannot hold to anything above You to truly do that. I cannot pray for Your will over my life and then decide what it looks like. All I can do is trust You. Obey You. Follow Your examples and those of the disciples.
I cannot say that You are The Lord of my life and then attach demands and requirements for my earthly comfort in exchange for my obedience to You. The world is transactional, but You are not.
You are faithful, Jesus.
You are faithful and worthy of the honor and the praise. You are worthy of the suffering and the pain.
Only You.
I want to boldly walk the road for which You have made me. Fully reliant on You and nothing and no one else, and with my talents and gifts under Your control and direction.
I understand more now, Lord, and I thank you. Only You could take my most hated time of the year and turn it into my most favorite for reasons that have nothing to do with earthly gifts or traditions.
Thank You.
You truly are The Best Friend I could have ever hoped for.
“Show us your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation. I listen carefully to what God the Lord is saying, for he speaks peace to his faithful people. But let them not return to their foolish ways. Surely his salvation is near to those who fear him, so our land will be filled with his glory. Unfailing love and truth have met together. Righteousness and peace have kissed! Truth springs up from the earth, and righteousness smiles down from heaven. Yes, the Lord pours down his blessings. Our land will yield its bountiful harvest. Righteousness goes as a herald before him, preparing the way for his steps.”
The simplicity of breathing is a miracle I no longer take for granted, yet thankful as I am for my God-given 43rd birthday, for me today is about celebrating something far more important, for reasons few will understand.
Today marks 2 years since we lost our house, our home of 10 years, but it is not the loss that makes today important, nor is it melancholy feelings over the house or even the memories, no.
Two years ago, today, we walked out of the house for the very last time, with little to nothing to our names, nowhere to go, and no one but God to help us navigate the daily challenges that would arise. Today I celebrate 2 years of God keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs, all in ways we never could have predicted or even imagined, and through people we had not yet met.
It’s been two years since I embarked on a road that promised to be painful and difficult, and it has been all of that and more, but through it all, God has been faithful, and that is everything to me.
He is everything to me, and so today is about Him.
Even now, we should not be here; the finances do not make sense, yet week after week, Jesus makes a way. Always. It is not “if” Jesus will, but when. I have learned to stop asking “how.”
Two years ago, I walked out of my home and into the unknown, full of fear, anger, and frustration, with my husband, my 3-year-old son, and our dogs, thankful the older kids had “better circumstances.”
Words will never capture the fullness of what has been experienced in that time, the challenges, the moments of hopelessness that turned out to be everything but…
Today also marks nine months since we checked into this motel for a weekend, thinking we would be here at most for a week, until we heard… Nothing made sense then, but since then, though the weeks have been long, the incredible, life-altering lesson, where God has been concerned, have been priceless, and so I see that I did not truly lose anything at all then, because I gained real trust in Jesus along the way.
Jesus built my trust and reliance on Him. He did.
You told me once, Lord, You were looking for people who could go through 40 years in the wilderness with praise and worship, and since then You have proceeded to teach me how to do just that.
I have yet to master the lessons on praying, praising, and worshipping through the worst. Some days, I remind myself that David had to command his soul to praise, and so I do the same.
I do not miss the house, but I miss the countless hours that were spent in that closet. 5 minutes alone with You, these days, feels like a battle in and of itself, yet you are worth it all and more. You have been faithful to me when I have not been faithful to You.
Even now, I struggle with the right thing to do, or the feelings that sometimes threaten to overwhelm me over things that really are so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
In this place of hardships, where the world sees lack, discomfort, and uncertainty, in this place that appears to be chaos yet is actually anything but, You, God, have been fighting my battles every step along the way and making ways where none should exist. I find that everything I have come to learn about You only makes me want You more.
Your presence. Your wisdom. Your ways.
Thank You, Jesus, for taking the things that held me back from my God-given purpose in You.
Thank You for teaching me what it means to be in obedience and submission to my Creator.
Thank You for changing my life, my heart, my mind, and my soul. Thank you for the fire that burns inside me, and that drives me to seek to live a life that pleases You and no one else.
I can live for no other than You. Nothing else will satisfy.
I am thankful beyond words for these 43 years on earth. I am thankful for my life, for my husband, my children, my family, friends, and neighbors.
I have so much to be thankful for.
But more than anything else in the world, I am thankful for Jesus. Thankful that God is merciful and patient, and has led me to this place every step of the way. My only regret is that I did not allow myself to come face-to-face with my fears sooner. I did not trust Jesus as I do now.
I have no idea what tomorrow looks like, much less the next year of my life, should I be given the privilege of living another, but I know Jesus Christ. I know that I can take Him at His word. I know that I can trust Him. I know that He said, “Do not worry about tomorrow,” and then He proceeded to list all of the things we did not need to worry about because God knows our needs. I know that He said, “but first seek ye the kingdom of God and all of His righteousness,” and so I did. I know that He has never once failed me, so I know that He will not fail me now, but I did not know, any of those things until I had everything that made me feel safe and secure ripped from my hands, and their absence was filled by my Lord Jesus Christ, and for that I am always thankful not just today but every day.
Yes, today is my birthday, but without Jesus, I would have been dead and buried long ago, so who could be more deserving of my praise than Him today?
Job said it best when he said, “What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes.” Yet unlike Job, I have peace and quiet, though troubles do come, because I have Jesus, and I would rather do hard with Him than anything else in this world.
‘O God, I beg two favors from you; let me have them before I die. First, help me never to tell a lie. Second, give me neither poverty nor riches! Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord ?” And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name. ‘ Proverbs 30:7-9 NLT
I am excited to announce that my husband, Michael, is a small business owner. Yes, it is a business but mostly it is a ministry. A way to serve our community, and share The Gospel of Jesus Christ with those He brings to us.
Michael is an experienced handyman & mechanic, with over 20 years of experience in residential & commercial maintenance & repairs, as well as appliance installations, repairs & more.
The business itself, is the handyman services, where he prides himself in giving home/business owners trustworthy & quality services at affordable prices from a responsible, reliable and dependable professional.
The mobile mechanic side, is part of our ministry. A way to help people who lack the finances or skills, or even the time to learn the skills have safe & reliable transportation within their budget, all while sharing about the transformative love of Jesus Christ, in every circumstance.
For additional information or quotes please do not hesitate to call or text, or of you know someone who could use some help, please feel free to do so.
I used to know this woman, who had a talent for snapping me out of my pity party on the days when the weight of the struggles became too much. She would always give me a minute to vent, and then bring me back to the word of God, or share a personal testimony that would encourage and uplift me.
This person had such a bold faith that as she shared of her past life, I would struggle to see this new creation before me, the person I had gotten to know as the person she was before Christ, but unless you’ve been through The Refiner’s Fire, you can never truly comprehend how God changes us. Over the years this typically private and reserved woman told tales of a very painful life full of loss, heartbreak, and betrayals. She told me of her insecurities, and her failures and how trusting Jesus had healed her life, her marriage, now He was working on her children.
Her openness with me about who she was and where God found her, along with her willingness to always bring me back to God and hold me accountable to His word, were instrumental in getting me here, to Him, but also in teaching me, not just the importance of Godly accountability, but also how to hold myself accountable.
Through the pregnancy with Ezekiel, the metaphorical years of drought and famine, through the pain, the fear, the doubt, and the uncertainty, this woman held Jesus like a mirror to my face. Even when she could not understand or relate to our challenges, she clung to Jesus, on our behalf, and always, ALWAYS, pointed, reminded, encouraged and flat out called me out, as the situation required. She always led me back to Him, never encouraged me to give up hope, nor did she validated my feelings of fear, anger or hopelessness.
This was not a rainbows and butterflies kind of friendship, I can be a lot to handle, so we butted heads more than once, but my short temper and sharp tongue did not scare her, which for me, was a fairly new experience. I had always been able to scare people into compliance, so to speak.
The first time I read the book of Titus she came to mind. I remember texting afterwards, as we had not spoken in some time only to receive an automated message that the number had changed or been disconnected. I did not even know those were a thing.
I cried so hard. I felt abandoned.
In the years since then, God has allowed me to learn how to have that accountability, just me and Him.
His Holy Spirit has filled in her spot in my life. Sometimes Michael provides the spiritual smack upside the head I need, when I can’t or wont, hear what The Lord is saying, or when, I simply just need that reminder that my life is not my own, and I need to bring it back to God.
Too often, because of life, or how we were raised, or simply because we are humans that forget, we lack accountability to God and His word.
In my experience, some people do not believe we should hold each other accountable, they view it as judgement.
Others feel like we must live as we as best we can because if we are not living right, The Holy Spirit will hold us accountable, which is true, but I have also found the it can be fairly easy to ignore Him when we dont like what He is saying, or frankly, He sounds crazy to our human ears and limited understanding, which can be quite often.
This humble woman with a heart for Jesus, created a habit in me to take all things back to The Lord, which in her abscense as a spiritual big sister of sorts, became a habit of me reminding myself to take things back to The Lord to the point that now, I have become the equivalent of a 5 yr old, constantly asking God about everything from my actions and reactions, to His meaning, His opinion, His dirrection and everything in between.
I have learned that God is meticulous. He is a God of order and purpose. He created all things to work symbiotically.
The world has changed a million times over, but God never has, and I have learned to learn Him and not always expect Him to bend to my views, ideas or believes simply because it’s what I know or “life is different now.”
I’ve learned He did not create me to be at the mercy of a fallen world, but to live with in it in peace and freedom, fully dependent on Him.
Only Him.
There is a time and a place, of course, for the biblical relationships. Having the right people around us to help hold us accountable, to point us back to Jesus, to pray with us, for us, and come into agreement with us, is important. There are days in which I can hear her voice reminding me to take it back to God because without Him I’ll get myself in trouble, which I have done, make a mess of things, I mean.
But I would say the most important thing God has taught me is the importance of being able to do all of that, hold myself accountable, take things back to The Lord, seek Him for answers, guidance, use Jesus Christ as a mirror so that we can be more like Him, without depending on a person, not because they’re not important but because we have a habit of allowing people to matter more than Jesus does, because we trust or even fear, what we see and hear in the physical more than we trust and fear Him.
If a person hurts us, we get mad at God because “His people…” as if fallible humans could ever be a full, complete and honest representation of Jesus Christ.
We must seek to know Him for ourselves.
When I found myself alone, with not a soul in the world, I had a choice to make, to either fall back into old habits that opened the door to anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies or I could seek to recreate, for lack of a better explanation, that relationship with the one who was there:
Jesus Christ.
When I lost my entire life, as I knew it, and found myself alone, in a new place with not a soul responding to messages or calls, the one who never left me, the only one, was Jesus.
It was He who dried my tears, He who comforted me, corrected me, taught me and held me accountable, it was He who taught me that I was looking to people for things that were never meant for others to do for me or fill in me, only He could do that.
You see, this woman was important because through her I was able to hear what The Lord and my husband had been trying to get me to understand for many years, so God being God brought her and me, together at a place where through her faith and boldness, I would be able to hear Him.
In those days, Michael had been the cause of much pain, and his faith in Christ in the face of my suffering bothered me more than I realized. I did not want to hear about God, not from him, not when God had given me my husband and I had not gotten my fairytale because he wasn’t perfect. None of us are, but I expected him to be.
I got so much more than that, of course, but it would take me some time with The Lord and some new and some hard experiences to come face to face with the truth, a truth God had told me many years ago that I simply refused to accept:
My husband’s issues had nothing to do with me and I was making it personal. I tend to make a lot of things personal.
As is often the case with me, I spent some time angry and feeling sorry for myself because I missed my people, but they were never mine, and it wasn’t really them I missed as much as how Jesus showed up in my life, more than once, through them.
Her walk, her pain, her suffering, brought her to the life changing experience that is Jesus, and her bold faith and willingness to both share and be a teacher or sorts, was truly instrumental in helping me realize I was doing and seeing things wrong. She will forever be a huge part of my story, my testimony, and I took her for granted. I assumed she would always be a part of my life, so I never said thank you as I should have, but as my loving husband loves to remind me, this walk is individual. People come and go, but God never leaves us.
There is a time and a place for us to help, love, encourage, support and even push each other, yes, and there is also a time and a place for accountability and correction, but at the end of the day, when it is all said and done and my life is no more, it is God who I will answer to, and so I must learn to go to Him first, always, so that I may walk as He intended for me to, so that I may one day hear, well done good and faithful servant.
God created me, with a plan and for a purpose. My gifts, my talents, my purpose, and most importantly, my ministry, are all part of His plans, and I have to seek Him and only Him in order to discover what they are and how to best utilize them for His glory.
As people, we tend to take too much for granted, there are things that we do not question simply because it’s what we have always known.
Biblical friendships, relationships in general really, are important, but not so important that we allow them to derail us.
Job’s friends are a shinning example that I have been thinking about a lot recently, because in my own experiences, I have found more of them along the way, than I have of her.
Job had done nothing wrong, yet his wife told him to curse God and die, and his friends were adamant that he must have done something wrong to deserve his pain and suffering, when in reality the closer we seek to walk with The Lord, the bigger the target the enemy puts on us.
More than once I have asked myself, what if Hosea would’ve taken God’s command to marry a prostitute and double checked with His friends? I believe they would’ve talked him out of obeying God because marrying a prostitute just was not done.
Where would we be if Jesus had allowed Peter’s unwillingness or maybe inability, to understand God’s plan derail Him?
Jesus attempted to prepare His disciples for the day that He would be here no more, so that they would carry on as He taught them, without Him, but Peter, well meaning as he may have been, was a discouraging voice, he couldn’t understand, he had expectations for the Messiah that just did not align with God’s plan.
Jesus dying was not their plan, it was God’s and in obedience Jesus rebuked Peter.
Jesus told Mary Magdalene at the tomb not to cling to Him, but He meant His physical form specifically, Jesus had to die and resurrect and go home to The Father for our benefit, but just like the disciples and the rest of His followers were lost without Jesus being physically present after his death, we too often cling to people, places or things, that helped us in our walk with Jesus, when we must learn to allow others in, to receive them and their help or correction while still remembering that Jesus has to be the center of it all.
He must matter to us more than anything or anyone else.
We must learn to walk with Him and only Him, while also being bold in our faith, transparent in our transgression, and willing to serve one another, so that those who have yet to meet Him, may learn about Him.
It’s not about making others believe we are perfect, it’s not about others at all, it is about the life and death of The Son of God for our heavenly benefits and being so closed to Him that when life changes, we are able to carry on without missing a step, because we are following Him and not others.
I will forever love and pray for that woman, and for the others who have also played a role in my walk, but I am thankful for the abandonment that had to take place in order for me to learn that He is all I need, He is more than enough, He is able and willing and He is faithful and present, and I don’t truly need anyone but Him.
It is not a rejection of His people but the acceptance that He alone is all I need, and I must seek to know Him, walk with Him and talk to Him as Abraham and David did.
“Then Peter began to speak up. “We’ve given up everything to follow you,” he said. “Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.” Mark 10:28-30 NLT
However tired I may be with the challenges, with the struggles, and with the uncertainty of the moment, I am tired of me more.
Our hardships did not start on March 21st when we checked in, nor did they start in December 21ˢᵗ, 2023, when we walked out of our house for the last time. They started long before then.
2023, alone, was a year for the record books. That year we spent a combined total over 30 days with no power between 3 separate instances, the shortest being 5 days, and the longest 18 days. Most of that year, there was little to no food, no necessities for weeks and a million other things most people never knew about. When I made the decision to get baptized that year, not a soul would have imagined what it would take to make it to baptism Sunday, myself included. We had no power, no car insurance, no gas. I went to bed that Saturday night defeated that I would not get baptized the next morning, yet joy came in the morning when I woke up to the news that we would make it after all, we had the means to get there and back, missing it was not going to turn my power back on, nor was it going to help anything else. Even as I write this I wonder if Michael ever fully understood what it meant to me then that we made it to the lake for the baptism. I don’t know that I ever thanked him for it, or anything else for that matter.
2 annual baptism Sundays have gone by since the one I got baptist at, and much to my disappointment, we’ve not made it to either of them, but I guess Jesus already knew that which is why He ensured I made it.
You’d think that after losing the life we worked hard for over 10 yrs to build, living in a motel would be a walk in the park, and truthfully, most days it is. I have a safe roof, with nice and helpful staff and incredible neighbors whom I am convinced God brought here just for us. This is a cushy way to be homeless, if I am honest, yet in keeping with truth and transparency, most days all I see is what a money hole it is.
When we first checked in, we were paying by the day because we didn’t have the means to pay weekly much less monthly, and frankly we never imagined we would be here this long. More than once I told The Lord that if we could pay by the week, it would be less stressful, and I would be fine.
That was a lie.
I did not know it at the time, of course, but it was. By the time we gathered enough to pay weekly, I was upset because I wanted to use that money to move out. 6 months here and some days, I still struggle to believe no one ever called about a single rental application I put in for us. Not one.
Still, my plans being derailed is no reason to allow myself to become consumed, almost to the point of obsession, with the payment. I know this, better than I would like to admit yet I would be lying if I didn’t say that despite countless conversations with The Lord, for month now my every waking thought has been about “Friday” because that’s when the room comes due.
Now, you’re likely wondering what any of this has to do with my being tired of myself, and it is this:
Over the last 2 years alone, I have lost vehicles, home, children and on top of all of that, God asked me to resign my job. Yet despite all of that, or maybe because of it, I have also experienced God’s patience, goodness, faithfulness, correction and provisions like never before.
God is not some distant deity that is cold and uncaring, on the contrary, He is far from it. God is here. Present. We have whole conversations some days, yet the minute the bank says $0 or it looks as though a bill won’t get paid, on time or at all, I begin to unravel.
I get angry, because it seems to be my one emotion.
Anger.
It fuels me. It drives me, and try as I may, I can’t seem to break up with anger. I keep allowing what I see, or rather what I don’t, to take away from what God already told me long ago. I keep saying things like:
“that money could be better spent…” or ” God could do things better…”
And God keeps asking me: “Better by whose standard?”
And that alone is the million dollar question, isnt it? By whose standard am I trying to live, His or mine?
In this place, I have met different kinds of people, different stories, colors, backgrounds, yet in some ways we are more of a biblical Church than the Church 50 Feet away from my door. Here I have learned, a lot, about who God is and how He functions, yes, but also about the true status of my heart.
My heart is a problem.
In this place, I’ve had strangers come to my door, provisions in hand, in a way I had never experienced before. From food, to clothes and shoes and everything in between. In this place God has somehow become more real, more present, more faithful…
Yet some days, all I can see, all I choose to focus on really, on what goes “wrong” be that the jobs that fall through, the interviews that get postponed, or the opportunities that did not go our way.
Now, I know better than this. I know better than to doubt, I know better than to push for control or be impatient for what comes next, I really do, and I make no excuses for it, all I can say is bad habits truly do die hard, and I was raised to be money focused not Jesus focused, and therein lies the problem, but that is a conversation for another day.
There is an old John Wooden quote I love that says:
“There is a choice you have to make in everything you do, so keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make, makes you.”
I have always believed in the importance of wise choices, yet when it matters most, I’m letting my emotions get the best of me, and not making all the wisest choices because I can’t stand to watch Michael work, attempt to run a business, help half the neighborhood and yet always we have just enough for the room. Some days I wonder, if we wouldn’t be better off in the truck, we would definitely free up hundreds of dollars a week that way, but I cannot do that to my kid. His short 5 years have had enough loss, enough hardships, drama and so much more, that to willingly give up the room to save the money would not only be reckless, it would be disobedience, because God has not released us from here.
He has, however, told me to wait on Him, to trust Him, to Focus on what He called me to do and leave the room to Him and Michael, yet I struggle to let go of control despite knowing that I don’t really have any. I’m not solving any problems, if anything, I have created more of them, yet I have allowed my mind to be consumed by this one “problem” that isn’t really a problem at all.
My flesh and my heart are in conflict.
I want to get off the emotional rollercoaster, yet I can’t seem to find my way off. So yeah, I am tired of me, because I know what God said, and I know who He is and that alone should be enough, and most days it is because God is always more than enough, but other days…
I allow the lies satan whispers to make me question what know to be true, and I should never, ever, allow that. Ever.
Say a prayer for Michael, y ‘all. The poor man has a lot to juggle, and then he also has me to deal with. God has given me a patient and gentle man who deserves all of the prayers he can get, because I don’t know how he is not tired of my moods yet, when I am tired of myself.
“And now, O Lord God, I am your servant; do as you have promised concerning me and my family. Confirm it as a promise that will last forever.” 2 Samuel 7:25 NLT
This week I got to experience, the good and bad of humanity. Twice as much good than bad, yet it’s been the disappointment that has taken up most of my thoughts.
I allowed the ill intentions of one person to overshadow the kindness of two others and for that, I repent. I make no excuses, yes it’s been a long, hard 6 months, particularly the last couple of weeks, it’s like the obstacles present themselves in groups and some days they really are all I see. I have allowed my impatience to open the door to anger, to entitlement and to resentment, when deep down I know You’ve had Your reasons, I have seen Your hand at work, in me, in my family and in the lives of those around us and I know that I know that You have kept us, here, safe, provided for, fed…
But the money, Lord. With me things always come back to the money. I keep thinking that it could be better used in other ways, but the question You present is: Better according to whom?
I know that Your ways are not my ways. I know that You, Jesus, are the same yesterday, today and forever, so why do I continue trying to do things my way? on my time? To my expectations?
How do I know better, yet I don’t, all at the same time?
Growing up in catholic school, one of my biggest questions as a child was, How can there not be one answer? People always taught about Your goodness but Your words, Your commandments, seemed to be open to interpretation. You were presented as a god who didn’t care what I did all week as long as I made it to church, to go thru the motions. Life at home never improved and none of it made sense.
How was it that a God who created all with meticulous detail, didn’t seem to have purpose or even meaning to His word? How can there be a right and wrong but no definite answers from Him? How can my life be judged when there are no clear rules to the journey? The questions plagued me as I visited so many churches growing up, looking for the answers that evaded me. I never expected it would take me more than 20 years, a near couple of death experiences, an alcoholic habit, an abusive marriage, a short stint as a single mother, and God answering various prayers that would take yet another 20 yrs for me to grasp, the untimely death of various friends and my very own rock bottom before I would find the answers I desperately sought and understand them.
You, Jesus, are The Answer to every question, and in every situation, I must seek to know You will.
How did I ever think I could walk Godly life ,with You, by following my worldly knowledge?
You told me I needed to unlearn. You told me You would teach me, lead me, yet I struggle, often, with a lot of my own ways because it’s what I know and much like Ezekiel gets when he doesn’t want to do hard, I too tend to fall apart.
I am desperate to change my circumstances, but I know that the time will come, I just need to focus on working on my own heart with You. I need to focus on You more than I focus on my struggles. I need to allow You to consume me more than I allow my problems to consume me. I need to pray for, and be grateful for all You have made possible for us via Your seople, more than I complain about satan’s 1 minion. I allowed my feelings over my perceived loss steal my joy over the kindness of those You used to achieve Your purpose.
My focus is wrong, once again, and once again, You have taken the time to save me from myself, and meet me where I am at with both kindness and correction, and presented this verse to remind me that what I know, what I have been taught by people and the world, is not what is true.
You are what is true. You are what matters. You are what I must focus on and cling to.
Just You.
There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. Proverbs 14:12 NLT
It is so hard to grasp the fact that it has been 6 months.
I remember, clearly, the certainty, of this being a short stop along the way. A week, two at the very most.
Now here I am staring at the calendar wondering where the time went.
I truly do not understand. I can honestly say that it’s been a longest and most difficult time, devoid of people, and at times lonely yet not really. Jesus has never once left my side.
He is faithful.
As for me, I am ready to walk out of this place for the very last time. I’ve been ready since I arrived. I did not think, it would come to this, not really.
As time has progressed, I had almost lost hope, but a child’s bold yet humble prayer recently reminded me that God is not a liar, we can trust Him implicitly.
Despite all of my feelings, [particularly on the harder days, full of difficult subjects,] I have seen Gods hand at work, in me, and in those around me, and through each and every one of us.
I have seen miracles, I have seen provisions, I have learned hard lessons, and I find myself learning to ask the right questions, to the right person:
God.
I am thankful for this place & I am thankful for these people, but I really am believing that God will come will open a door for us, sooner than I dare hope. Despite the fact that I’m still here months longer than I expected to be.
Day after day. I sit at one of the two windows, worship music playing in my ears, bible close at hand, praying for the day in which the dream, the promise, becomes a reality.
Some days, finding the will to praise my way through the day has felt like a civil war.
Some days the anger & frustration threaten to be my undoing.
Every day I am thankful for all that I do have in this place, and what it means to have abundance, I also remind myself that God prepared me for this, for how hard it has been, and for the countless other things I cannot put into words, God knows I’ve tried.
In this place I do not wish to be at, I have come face to face with The Lord, in a different way from before, and I find that though I am ready to be anywhere but here, here is where God has brought me, here is where He has provided for me, kept me, taught me & set me free, so here I shall remain.
Here I have learned that two things can, in fact, be true at the same time, even if they seem to contradict each other:
• I do not wish to be here. I have already been here much longer than I dared imagine.
• I will stay where The Lord has brought me to, because I rather be in this place with Him than anywhere else in the world.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I am learning what it means to God, not to me, to truly know, depend and trust The One who does:
Jesus.
“And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:30-34 NLT https://bible.
Psalms 73 