Thank You, Jesus, For today. Thank You, for Your favor & grace.
Thank You for provision.
Thank You for Your patience & mercy towards me.
Thank You for being my very real, very present helper in all circumstance.
Thank You for encouraging me, uplifting me & carrying me through.
Thank You for all You’ve done & all You’re doing. I can’t understand it all but I know that You use all things for my good & Your glory. I trust that & I thank You.
Through my hardships, through the uncertainty & pain, You have been faithful through it all. I am undeserving. I cannot imagine carrying on without You. I can’t go back. I’ve not yet mastered this new way of life with You. I need You, Lord.
I really can’t imagine how You’ll make this good, but then it’s not the first time I’ve underestimated You & learned a humbling lesson.
I really do not wish to rob myself of Your promise to me with doubt & fear. I can’t explain how I can know that You will & still manage stress on autopilot.
“If you always do, what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always go.” Or so Nani’s teacher used to say, no?
Thank You for not giving up on me even when I seem to give up. You know I have more in me to give to you, I just need more of You in me to help me through.
I can do none of this without You, I know that & yet I put so much pressure on myself to do things You’ve not asked me to.
This part of our adventure requires me to lay back, relax & allow You to handle it all.
For the first time in my life there is no demands, no string, no manipulations or expectation, nothing for me to do but allow You to be the Parent & act like Your child, but as it turns out, I don’t know how to be one, so even that You’ll have to teach me, Lord.
“Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name goes all the glory for your unfailing love and faithfulness.” Psalms 115:1 NLT
I wish this was one of those posts where I tell you how to wait on The Lord.
Waiting is not something I do well. Patience is something I struggle with. Knowing that God has made ways before but has chosen to make me wait, can make me angry if I let myself. I no longer let myself.
I know that I can trust Him. I know that He won’t fail, yet somehow, it doesn’t make the waiting any easier.
Time and again, I find that the anticipation of what’s to come makes me anxious to the point of exhaustion. I want to know when, how & why but I’m fully aware I don’t need to know because He does.
God is asking me to trust, He is asking me to wait.
“Be still & know that I am God…” He said, once again.
It’s hard because I want to find ways, as if He needs me to. I want to do, to solve, to find a way to bring some solution to the situation, to bring forth the change I know we need, but it’s not like I haven’t already exhausted every avenue.
The only thing I truly have not tried to do is actually waiting on Him. Patiently. Quietly.
Fully out of His way.
Waiting from a position of victory. Waiting with praise & gratitude.
He tells me, He reminds me, but the concept is still somewhat foreign to me. Then there are days when it feels as though we’ve waited too long already. I know I am not forgotten by Him, I’m just impatient. Almost desperate for a “normal” that I know does not exist.
You haven’t asked but I’ll tell you:
Without my toxic comfort blanket I feel exposed. Defeated.
I know I am not.
God said He would & I know He will… I just struggle a lot with His timing for no other reason than I want things on my time.
I look back at the last 14 months & see every time I allowed my impatience to make things worse because I let the voice of doubt sneak in. Sometimes I wonder if we’d be out of here by now if I had learned to leave things alone long ago.
I know this was the right avenue for us. I know He said He would & He will. I know that waiting on Him truly is our only Hope.
I’m just really struggling to find my footing in my new normal. Like the Israelites were in the wilderness, knowing they were miserable as slaves in Egypt, not really knowing how adapt & be thankful for what God was doing for them in that moment. Their entitlement lead to complaints, which prolonged the time they spent out there. Their inability to adapt lead to the death of a whole generation that did not set foot in the promise land.
I don’t want to rob myself of His promise.
I used to joke that I would do whatever someone asked if they paid my bills and managed my life, now I find God Himself offering me the exact deal & I struggle to surrender to Him the same control that I once gave the US Army. Don’t ask me to make it make sense, I can’t.
Like Joshua, I understand that our possessing the promised land is fully dependent on God alone.
Some days I wish God would send an angel to shut my mouth, or at the very least the overthinking part of my brain, like He did Zechariah.
Of course, that’s not why the angel was sent to him, his mute period was a byproduct of his lack of faith & frankly lack of faith is not something I can afford to have right now.
So I cling to Him, in this waiting period, trusting beyond measure. Losing myself in His Word. Remembering everything He has already done, that I once thought impossible. Allowing His past faithfulness to propel me forward into the unknown, believing in the victory He said would come.
Jesus Christ will see me through the end.
I just need to learn to wait.
“The Lord is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.” Lamentations 3:25-26 NLT
“We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)” Romans 8:24-25 NLT
He is not a God of chaos, confusion or contradiction, and so, if you are looking at religion and find yourself wondering why it’s such a hot mess of contradicting opinions and arguments the answer to that is:
None of that is God
God is…
My God! He is everything that makes sense in the world. He is everything that is good, healing and meaningful and religion is none of those things. We have been raised to believe that life is about us. We have been raised to believe that God is about what we think, feel or brings us comfort, but true comfort, true peace, is not circumstantial.
What I have learned in this life, especially since knowing The Lord is that, there is One True God. There is A Creator. There is Devine Purpose.
We were created to worship Him and to work symbiotically, with The Lord and one another. We are all just parts of a giant machine, different pieces, different sizes, different colors and shapes, different purposes but all just as important to the sharing of His message.
In these times when we are as far away from The Lord as we have ever been since, probably the Roman times, [as far as we have been told], we are really unable to comprehend that when Jesus said “I am The Way, The Truth, The Life…” He was not being overly dramatic nor was He overstating His position. He is the way, the truth and the life. He is the answer to all things, He is the only way, yet we read our bibles and allow ourselves concessions that God did not give us, because God has not changed, He will not change. God doesn’t care about degrees, houses or cars. He is not looking at your bank account. God is not judging by whether or not we can work hard to pay bills, that is all very irrelevant. He told us that man judges the outward appearance but He judges the heart.
God is looking at your heart, always. He is looking for obedience. God is looking to see if we trust Him above all else, but most of us don’t even know Him so how do you trust someone you don’t know?
You don’t.
If you cannot answer the absolute questions of life, you are bound to get lost.
If you read the bible, yet believe in ‘the gospel and/or,’ type of theology, if your make concessions because ‘the times have changed’ you are bound to get lost.
I know that when it comes to God there are a lot of believes, a lot of preferences and a lot of opinions that are all predicated on what we think, what we like and what makes life most comfortable to us. I know we like to say things like “God understands I have bills.” He does. He did not give them to you. The world did. And we neglect to recognize that only His opinions matters, His ways.
Jesus Christ is a person, that we must seek to know for who He is, not who we think He should be. God makes no mistakes, He does not lie, He does not change His mind. We have to stop using our limited human wisdom and understanding to dictate who He is. We must seek to know Him, and allow Him to teach us.
I know there are a lot of things people can’t agree on, but what I want people to understand is that, just because two people can’t/wont agree on the things of God, does not mean there is not A True God.
There is a One True God. One way. One path.
That is a Truth that most of us do not want to accept. I know that too many don’t get up in the morning and wonder “what is the true purpose of life?” but I am going to tell you anyway, the true purpose of life is:
To Worship and obey God above all else. To walk in the fullness of our God given purpose. To seek Him to know how and why He made us. We must choose to live for Him, not for people who want to put their own views, their own opinions, their own standards to our lives and hold us to them. Including ourselves.
My life is not my own, I surrendered it to The Lord a very long time ago, and the problem has been that I have been trying to be His child while spending my time on earth pursuing things He has not called me to. I wanted a life in His service on my terms.
When Jesus called us to surrender, He did not mean partial surrender. There is no called to compartmentalized christianity. He is not asking to be scheduled in to your calendar 2-3 days a week.
He truly wants all or nothing.
Once I understood that, everything changed. Now there is purpose in my life, now there is peace, because I know that no matter what, I am where The Lord wants me to be, even if I am uncomfortable, even if I don’t like the place or the people or whatever else, it doesn’t matter. I don’t have to like it. Life is not about my preferences.
I learned at a very young age that I could have 100 gifts under the christmas tree and not one of them is going to make me feel whole or fulfilled. I could have all the latest technology that none of my friends had, I could have all of the experiences that my friends did not have, traveling, restaurants, things, it did not matter. It was all empty. They lacked substance, they lacked value. Yes, you enjoy the experience in the moment of it because it is new and exciting, but there is still that hole inside that only Jesus can fill. There is still that missing peace in your life that is steady and present, even when you find yourself in a situation you much rather not be.
There a Peace that is not dependent upon me. That is not dependent on me knowing even what I am going to have for dinner tonight, which, by the way, I don’t know. What I do know is that by dinner time, there will be dinner, because God has never once failed me, He’s just never met my expectations, because “His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts.”
God’s plans, God’s purpose is not dependent upon man’s latest developments, it is not dependent upon the latest technology. God does not need you to be obsessed with your health for your to be healthy. God does not need you to be obsessed with your work for you to receive provision. We should live for Him the way that we live for our education and careers, our interest and hobbies, but we don’t. We do not give Him the time, the energy, the place in our lives that He deserves.
We all know that if I was trying to live a life that was consumed by the goals of the world, if I was trying to live a life that was consumed by material possessions, traveling, gaining influence then I would have a whole cheering squad to support and encourage me. People would be so proud of me, like when I enlisted in the Army. When I signed my life and rights away to be at the beck and call of The US Government, I was called brave. I was told I was smart.
“The Army will take care of you” people told me. What a lie!
Now I am trying to do the exact same thing… well, not trying. I have chosen. This is my choice. This [Jesus Christ] is the hill I have decided to die on, folks.
Jesus Christ.
I decided to give Him my life, like I did the US Army. I’ve decided to allow Him to control where I live, and when I eat, and what I eat and what I wear, but somehow that is not acceptable. Somehow, the world finds personal offense.
It’s funny to me, because there are people who claim to love me and God, and yet, they say they want “better for me.” No, you don’t. Stop lying to yourself. There is nothing better than God. Nothing. You do not want better for me, you want me to do what everyone else is doing because everyone else is doing it. You cannot understand why anyone, especially someone like me, would choose to live away from the ways of the world. You cannot understand why anyone would actively chose to step off the conveyor belt of humanity’s advancements and changes, and possessions.
If you were honest with yourselves, you would admit that some of you are only upset because our current set of circumstances hinders your ability to live comfortably at our expense. It’s not me/us that you are worried about, but what our change in life has cost you. It’s about the things I no longer pay for you, the things I no longer do for you, because now I am no longer allowing people to manipulate me into taking care of them, and living for them, instead of for The Lord.
I get it. Some of you don’t understand. I did not understand it either, but once I did there was no going back. Once I found peace and security, and answers. Solid answers. Answers that make sense, that are absolute and not based on the whims or circumstances of any given person’s thoughts, moods or preferences. Just answers.
I am not here to tell anyone how to live their life, I am not here to tell anyone how to worship God. I am not here to tell anyone what to prioritize in life. I’m not. What I am here to do is tell people that there is One God. One Truth, and we must die to ourselves to follow Him. It’s never about what you think, feel, see it or interpret it. It’s about what God said. Religions are man made. All idols are false gods, just pageantry for the shock and awe of the masses. Pretty but empty.
Denominations within the followers of Christ are anti-biblical. They are based on people peddling their views, their opinions, their interpretation of The Word of God, when Jesus never once told us to do any of that. Paul called us to unity, which can only be achived in The Holy Spirit, because if we allow Him to reveal The Secrets of Heaven to us, there are no disagreement, no confusion and no interpretation, just the Truth of God.
How was it that when Paul finally met some of the apostles, despite not having sat at Jesus’ table, they all had the same understanding of The Gospel and calling of Christ upon their life?
The Holy Spirit, who is still teaching, still helping, still revealing and correcting, and guiding.
Not every religion is a way into the presence of God. Sure, you are worshipping something but that does not mean you are worshipping Him. Your favorite version of Jesus, the one you like the most, is not real.
If you cannot tell the difference between God & idols, if you feel like you have to be accomodating and accepting and respectful of someone else’s religion, denomination or believes, please seek Him, because He is the only one who can get us all to understand what is true and what is not. “Lean not on your own understanding” was left for us for a reason.
As for me, I suggest people stop worrying about how I chose to live my life because the day I die, I will not account to any of you for what I chose not to chase, nor will you account to me. And the truth of the matter is that 40+ years, I have never been a person that cares for the opinions of others. I have never done what’s been expected of me to do, and there are reasons for that that are not the topic of today’s post.
Yes, there have been some close souls that, I thought were things they were not, and because of that I gave them loyalty that they did not deserve. I gave them the power to stab me in the back so many times, I could no longer feel the pain, and I am not mad at anyone for that, partly because I allowed it, mostly because I understand their reasons and motives better than they do, but now I found what I was always looking for.
A solid relationship.
Someone that I can count on, Someone I can trust. Someone who shows up with solutions, not judgement. Somebody who genuinely loves me and wants to see me grow, do better, and thrive the right way. His way.
God is so faithful.
I am not giving Him up because people don’t appreciate it, understand it or approve of it. I’m not.
I have learned so much at the feet of The Cross these last 6 years, asking God directly, for His wisdom and His understanding because I did it the world’s way and it did not work. I did it the religious way and it did not work. I was sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I did not want to sit here and continue to chase things that did not satisfy. I wanted to know what was true. I wanted to know what was real, and I was willing to make the changes, if The Lord was willing to provide the answers, and so I asked, and He answered, and I did changed, and now I am here.
Asking you to seek, to know, beyond the shadow of doubt exactly who God is. What His standards are, according to Him and not what we think or someone else told us. I am asking you to please stop believing the lies of an enemy that knows scripture better than you ever will, and is an expert manipulator. He has been twisting God’s word since the dawn of time. An enemy that talked literal angels out of heaven, beings who knew the truth you struggle to accept. They know God is real, they do not obey Him either. And they do not wish you to.
It is not our self-proclaimed believe [that is really just acknowledgement of the existence of God] that gains us eternity in His presence. It is how we chose to live our lives in service of Him. Jesus said “my sheep know my voice…” and that did not mean by listening to what other people say of Him. This is not about me, or you or anyone’s favorite pastor, preacher or religious denomination. It is about the absolute truth of God and the undiluted Gospel of Jesus Christ, as it was always meant to be known and lived, not with ourselves attached to it.
Proverbs tells us to teach a child in the way he should go and he won’t depart from it, because we are creatures of habit. I did depart from it, because I realized that just because something is what we have always known does not make it true.
To find truth, we must first seek Him. He created everything and only He gets to define what is good, true, moral & proper, and how.
He once told me that of all of His creation, we [humans] are the only ones intent on choosing our own natural habitat, and that simple statement of fact once again had me course correcting my views of Him and life.
He was also the one to remind me that The Centurion is remembered for his faith because he recognized power but also, understood chain of command. I should too, since I had served and never once did I complain about the expectations, restrictions and requirements the military placed over my life. On the contrary, I believed them to be a fair exchange for a roof, food, healthcare and the need to be anywhere they told me to go regardless of how I felt about it. Disobedience to orders in the military leads to a prison sentence and we [society] accept that as right, fair and proper punishment to being AWOL. Getting a dishonorable discharge is looked down upon, but when it comes to ways of God, it must be different. Accountability is bad and if He holds us to consequences He is somehow the bad guy.
Why? Are we not soldiers in His army? Who is the Commander in Chief, you or Him?
I now know the answer to all of these questions and so many others but for you to know for certain, you have to seek to know those answers for yourself.
Question what you know. Look at who taught you, and who taught them. Look at your spiritual teacher, friends and family and ask yourself if their relationship with God resembles what you want to have, if it is, keep listening to them. If its not, then ask yourself why you are listening to people whose faith does not mirror what you desire to have?
My unsolicited advice to you is seek your own salvation with fear & trembling. Seek the answers to your questions from The Source of All. He made you with a plan and a purpose and you must seek Him to discover it. Seek to know His voice, and follow His leading & prompting. Believe me when I tell you that if the god you serve always validates your views, preferences, feelings and sins… If he lacks consistency, and he changes with your moods and circumstances, then it is not God you serve at all, but an idol of your own creation, and that should concern you more than anything else in the world. Many of your, like me, are parents, passing down these behaviors and lies on to your children. Teaching them its ok to behave well so that a man in the north pole will reward them with worthless material possession, but never teaching them about the eternal rewards of The Kingdom of Heaven.
As for me, I have said goodbye to my inner Martha, and embraced my inner Mary. It is not always easy, as bad habits do die hard, and there will always be Martha’s to tell me I should be doing something else with my time, and my life, but Jesus said that there was only one thing to be concerned about, which Mary had discovered and it would not be taken away from her. I have too discovered it, and it will not be taken from me either, nor will I give Him up.
I can’t. I won’t. I am not sorry.
Take all the time you have spend cursing my life with your words, judging what you do not know or understand, and put it to better use by seeking to know Him for yourself so that you are not mislead by the lies of the enemy and his ever-changing world.
“”Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and easy to travel is the path that leads the way to destruction and eternal loss, and there are many who enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow and difficult to travel is the path that leads the way to everlasting life, and there are few who find it.” Matthew 7:13-14 AMP
“Now while they were on their way, Jesus entered a village [called Bethany], and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. [John 11:1] She had a sister named Mary, who seated herself at the Lord’s feet and was continually listening to His teaching. But Martha was very busy and distracted with all of her serving responsibilities; and she approached Him and said, “Lord, is it of no concern to You that my sister has left me to do the serving alone? Tell her to help me and do her part.” But the Lord replied to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered and anxious about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part [that which is to her advantage], which will not be taken away from her.”” Luke 10:38-42 AMP
I am aware I do it to myself. My mind is a battle ground some days I fear I am loosing. It goes one way, I re-direct it another. It’s a constant tug of war.
Now I sit here overwhelmed. You answered Lord. Above & beyond my expectations. Just when I thought the battle was lost You came through, and reminded me You already won.
Bless Your people, Father.
After things were settled, I took Your advice to Elijah, I ate & went to sleep.
I woke up to more.
And when I felt like You’d out done Yourself by providing the part & the weekly rent, You then sent more to cover everything else. Plus work.
I have no words.
How do You send total strangers as answers to prayers?
When will it be our turn to provide for others again?
How can I explain the fullness of You to someone who’s never experienced You when I have & can barely comprehend it some days.
I feel like I should not be surprised to see that this was how these 30 days ended. In provision. In abundance. In victory.
Thank You, Jesus.
I now understand why Jeremiah wept. It hurts to be transparent in this process & be accused of lying. It hurts to see people so unable and more to the point, unwilling to see. I really do not have the energy to explain & defend. But it hurts to see how jaded society has become. Soften their hearts, Lord. Soften mine. I want to meet their accusations with grace, as I know You would want me to, because I know this wont be the last time this happens. I know people are hurting.
Decades of pain, betrayals & disappointments have us all on the defensive. Always looking for fault, offense, lies. I remember being that person well & I won’t judge a person who does not know You for it. Bless her, Lord. She needs You just as much as I do.
Help us, Jesus. We are learning, seeking but not fully grasping. There is always a new level of praise through the pain. I find myself digging deeper for a strength I don’t feel I possess, but You, God.
You.
My body & mind continues to want to embrace for impact, and it’s causing mental & physical pain & exhaustion. You said I am too distracted and today proved I am. Forgive me, Lord. My eyes are on You.
You’ve saved us, Lord. It’s already done. We each just need to make those conscious choices to honor You. When the world says to meet hate with hate, we hold ourselves accountable to You & no one else. Open our eyes & ears to fully hear, fully understand what it is You are asking of us in every season. To always see You. Bless Your hands & feet, Lord, that they may always do your works for Your glory alone & not their own.
Forgive me for always wanting easier. I know I have so much to be thankful for, I also have much to learn. Teach me, please. Only You can get me through, to the end of my race, with endurance.
I am not scared of much anymore, Jesus, but I am afraid of losing You. Of failing. Of allowing myself to be my own obstacle in my relationship with You, as I used to. You truly are The Only One we need, and I know that. Keep me safe in Your hands, Lord, never let me go.
Thank You for every door you opened, for every way You made, for Your faithfulness & grace.
Thank You, Jesus.
Thank You.
“Then Mary said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word.” And the angel left her.” Luke 1:38 AMP
My circumstances are just that, they are not what matters. Jesus is.
I know we both know better than to be down by the latest set back, but we are human, we’ve been at this a very long time & these last 30 days have been the hard. How are we going to pay for the room, the parts & everything else? If we are causing our delay, will You just say/send word? It feels as though things have been conspiring against us for so long. We’ve made mistakes & we’ve done our best to learn & do better. I hate feeling like I’m abusing Your grace & theirs, yet the more we aim to please You & live as You’re teaching, the worst things seem to get.
I’ve been impatient & defeated for days. Today I feel like giving up, but I really can’t. Not because we don’t have the means to just pack up & leave, though there is that too. I’ve just come too far with You to turn around now. I can’t imagine ever spending another day w/o You. So now what? We feel stuck. If I can’t go back or forward, what’s left?
Praise.
I am once again reminded of the story of the man & cocoon. I feel just as trapped, struggling. It’s almost suffocating but You truly are the breath in my lungs.
I understand, Jesus. I do. I see more than I should. I understand You so much more than I have any right to, yet like Paul, I seem to do what I shouldn’t.
I don’t want to get tired, frustrated, I don’t want to micro analyze & wonder what I could have done better, different. I want to get things right the first time. I want to not need help. Yes, its prideful but its how I feel. Its ok to need help, I love helping others, but we shouldn’t need it. It’s not a rational way to feel when Your word tells us to care for each other.
I’m tired, Lord. He is tired. I’m tired of watching him battle it out. I struggle to sit idly by unable to help. I Fear time is running out, but only You know for certain. How can I see what is wrong & not Fix it?
Ok. Fine.
How can I not meddle?
I want to breathe in peace, no matter what. I know I can trust You, I need not worry. I want to stop expecting people to change, to step up, to give & not just take. I know how You’re showing me to do things & yet, it’s hard to pour into cracked vessels that do not hold nor pour back, but I can’t fault them for still being broken, Lord.
I’m scared, Jesus. I’m tired. Yet, I know that all of my needs will be met by Your grace, somehow. I do. You are my Provider. My Redeemer. I am safe in Your hands. This hurts but here I will sit & praise, as You have taught me to.
“When Jesus had spoken these things, He raised His eyes to heaven [in prayer] and said, “Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, so that Your Son may glorify You. Just as You have given Him power and authority over all mankind, [now glorify Him] so that He may give eternal life to all whom You have given Him [to be His—permanently and forever]. Now this is eternal life: that they may know You, the only true [supreme and sovereign] God, and [in the same manner know] Jesus [as the] Christ whom You have sent.” John 17:1-3 AMP
I should spare you all the rest of this because, again, the title says it all.
This has been a season of spiritual whac-a-mole.
The last year has been a series of events that can only be described as alternating between spiritual whac-a-mole and spiritual boxing. I’m either trying to hit something, or trying not to get hit. Just missed. Barely.
Miraculously, still standing.
I look around me and I see that I’m not the only one. The landmines I seem to be tip-toeing around and grenades I’m juggling around, look like feral kittens in comparison to the demons that are chasing, some of you.
At least I am aware that I am caught in a spiritual battle. Too many people are not. You will not catch me complaining.
As I sit here wondering, for the millionth time, how God will make a way out of this one, or more to the point, when, I can’t help but notice the patterns that were eluding me. The things that continue to repeat.
For too long now, I have been distracted by what “goes wrong” and missing almost everything else.
He warned me. He always warns me. Yet, I made an image in my head of what “hard” would look like and now find myself baffled when nothing in life matches the vision in my head.
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways, declares the LORD…” Isaiah 55:8
How many times does He have to remind me that my own view on things are not His?
Yet the more faithful we try to remain [and I say try because we are human, we feel pain, frustration and disappointment] the harder life is intent on getting. Everything that can go wrong, does, at least 2x. Nothing makes sense. Still we trust. He said. He will. Soon, I hope.
Paul spoke of having learned to be content with everything and almost nothing, turns out that is still the standard for us today. We are not entitled to a life of our own choosing. I have yet to find the biblical passages that instructs me to change with the changing times and work hard to keep up with the latest fads. I have tried to find it, trust me. I really have.
People keep telling me that “God understands I have bills to pay, and children to feed” and that “I need a house, car…” and I hear it. I don’t disagree with any of it, except for the parts that contradict what God says. Those I can’t agree with.
I want, more than anything, to live “a normal life” just like I want for it all to be easy, comfortable, secure, plentiful… who does not want that?
But for us to have that right now would require us going against what God has asked of us, and that we cannot bring ourselves to do. I did it long enough. He has changed my mind, my heart, my soul in such a way that, now that I have found my place in the grand scheme of things, now that I know who I am because I know Who created me, now that I have experienced Him, His love, His mercy, His grace… I can no longer go back.
I am irrevocably changed.
So I will take life, one day at a time, one challenge at a time, reminding my mind & soul that all is well.
I will trust. I will wait. I will learn to take the punches well. I will build the endurance required to be excellent in His eyes, no one else’s.
People keep telling me they want to see me “do better” but nothing could be further from the truth. They want my life to make sense to them. They want me to do what everyone else is doing because, as far as they understand it, is how it has always been done. It is not. I will not.
If they truly wanted me to do better then they would understand what I have learned to, that there is no “better” than God’s will over a life. Whoever they may be, whatever they may be going through. There is nothing better than choosing Him. He is the blessing. He is the treasure in the field the man sold all of His possessions to gain.
I will not, cannot, enter the Kingdom of Heaven by pleasing men, only by pleasing Him. My life has always been hard. It has always been lonely. I’ve always been out of step and out of place. There have always been problems, drama and unexpected challenges/expenses, that will never change, and lucky for me [or blessed really, as God chose the man for me] Michael and I work extremely well in the dysfunction and chaos of the world. I know that at the end of it all, despite the losses, the changes and the challenges, we truly are better off for having Him at the expense of everything else. We have committed to this, to Him, and we have made it this far, and this long only by His grace, and despite my own impatience about our circumstances at times, I would not move a toe out of line to be where He has not called me to. The world has nothing to offer me that I have not tasted and been dissatisfied with, and that is not something that I can really explain to anyone else.
Seek Him. With more stubborn determination than you have ever sought anything else. I will not promise you easy, because He didn’t. He will be faithful. He is always faithful in our time of need.
We truly could never hope to deserve Him. I am forever overwhelmed by His faithfulness. I feel like I am splitting in half but in a good way. I can’t explain it. I encourage you to to seek Him.
You, Jesus, make the impossible, possible. You make the unbearable, bearable. You make ways where none exist. You give hope, and purpose.
My heart is Yours, Lord. My life is Yours. Do not let me go, Jesus. I need You now as much as ever. You are The Source of my Peace. Thank You.
Or as Ezekiel loves to say:
“Thank You, Jesur for Jesus!”
“Peace I leave with you; My [perfect] peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid. [Let My perfect peace calm you in every circumstance and give you courage and strength for every challenge.]” John 14:27 AMP
I come to You on behalf of all who are heartbroken tonight.
Loss is hard, Lord. Loss is painful. Death is final.
There are no do-over, no more time, no more todays to procrastinate nor tomorrows to take for granted.
Nothing.
The absence of those we love, no matter how it happened or when, leaves a gaping hole and a million unanswered questions. No amount of time with our people can ever be enough.
No parent should bury a child, no child should grow up without a parent, no person should have to learn to function & navigate life without their loved ones. Yet, death comes for us all, that is certain, but we don’t give it the attention it deserves, and for too many, it comes too soon.
To lose a loved one in that permanent way should prompt us all to humbly come before the Throne of Christ to examine our lives & hearts & prioritize what truly matters:
Our relationship with Jesus Christ.
These days I spend a lot of time asking myself:
“IF [enter deceased person’s name here] were to raise from the dead, what would she/he tell us?”
And just when I stop pondering that question, one more person dies & it’s all I can think about again.
It hurts to see someone part this life for the next, but not as hard as feeling powerless to do much to help ease their loved ones pain and suffering in their absence. It’s worse when it’s a person who rejected or neglected Jesus. He died for us so that we may live for Him.
We really should be more Kingdom minded.
“For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world [wealth, fame, success], but forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?” Matthew 16:26 AMP
Today, I kept thinking that God never lies and so if a person loses their life but saves their soul nothing is lost and that should give us comfort, and cause to celebrate. That is often easier said than done, of course. Death is so unsettling, the absence is painful & deeply felt, and so for those who are mourning a friend, a spouse, a parent, or a child:
I pray that You lean on Jesus Christ to fill in the hole left behind by your lost love.
Talk to Him. Vent to Him. Cry to Him. Ask Him how to… Everything.
Really.
Jesus is not afraid of your questions, anger or pain.
He is the best Helper, the best Healer, the best Listener, the best “Coping Mechanism.” Trust Him more than anyone else. Allow Him to guide You through everything from now on, not just this season of loss & grief.
You will never regret fully trusting Him.
On a personal level, I’d like to live my life pleasing God so that I’m not turned away when my day comes, and frankly I’d like no one else to be turned away either.
Please, if you see this, ask Jesus reveal Himself to you so that you too can start living for Him, by His standard, not Your own.
You see, God made us all with a plan and a purpose, and we should be seeking to know Him & His will for us with the same commitment we seek after the things of the world that are worthless in comparison.
God really should be above all we know & love on this earth.
Always.
❤ Naryamie
“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and mind and with all your soul and with all your strength [your entire being]. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be [written] on your heart and mind.” Deuteronomy 6:5-6 AMP
The last 24 hrs have been exciting for reasons only You understand, Jesus. And only You get the glory, the credit, the praise & everything else.
As I continue forward with our plans in place for all You are doing in me, with me & though me, I look forward to seeing what you will do next. I see the pieces & they make sense, as they tie gifts together, but only You know the full picture.
I ‘m excited by the possibilities of where You will lead us.
As I get ready for bed, I lay my tomorrow in Your hands. I lay the entirety of my life, my children, my future [and at this moment most importantly, the future of P73BCM] to be led, composed, designed & established by You.
In following with Your promise to equip me, I trust Your Holy spirit to guide & inspire me, so that I may operate fully in obedience to You, without strings attached that compromise the purity of You & dilute The Gospel of Jesus Christ.
This is for You, Jesus Christ.
For all of the years I wasted looking for You in all the wrong places while simultaneously running from You.
It is long overdue & finally, with all the focus and attention it should always have had, and requires. Forgive me, Lord. I now know that You know all I will need, when I will need it & how You will provide it so long as I keep my eyes on You and stay the course.
You also know what lays heavy on my heart:
Family Friends Hopes Dreams Asperations
Not mine, but Yours, for us all.
I want to see Your stubborn children [myself included] walking fully with You in that child-like way, with that child-like trust, that You have been wanting from us since The Garden.
I never dreamed of this life, yet I now see how You have been preparing me for this, my whole entire life, and watching You bring the pieces together has really been one of the most humbling experiences of my life.
I want so desperately to share so much of what You have taught me in this season. Just two weeks away from a year of calling this place home and these people neighbors, You have taught me a lifetime worth of kingdom lessons, and it all comes full circle, back to You.
From Genesis to Revelations. From the day I was born until the day I die. My reason for being is You.
You are The Architect of life.
The more I discover about You and Your purpose for my life, the more I find myself very much at home in my new reality, it’s just uncomfortable for the flesh to not do what it has always done, but for true Peace, I can be very uncomfortable.
15 months ago, none of this looked possible, and I can admit it’s taken that long to get here because I spent the first 10 months trying to redirect, to control, streer, micromanage and create a circumstance that met my expectations of life by a worldy standard.
Thank You for Jeremiah 12, for without it, I may still be in my feelings and entitlement. I find I am very content here. I truly love having less of absolutely everything, from stress to material possessions. I would never have reached this place without You.
Thank You for Your mercy. Thank You for Your grace, your patience.
I would be so lost without You.
Only You could have taken our broken pieces and created a beautiful mosaic of perspective and wisdom. An entirely new creation in all of Your glory. The thing is, in many ways, I could always see it. I did not understand it, no, but deep in my soul I knew You had a purpose for all of the life experiences that shaped who Michael and I were, both as individuals and as a couple. Just as I now know that You have a purpose for all of the life experiences that are shaping, and hurting, those I love and even those I do not know.
I want to see others walking in this Freedom that You offer.
We are Your creation, Jesus and we matter to You, but who needs to change is us, and I for one I am incredibly thankful for all You have broken us from, all You have taught, all You have healed and how You are using the pieces of the broken now to build a beautiful [in the kingdom not the world] tomorrow.
It is all about You.
It is all about Your Kingdom.
Your glory.
Your righteousness.
There are many ways in which we must die, to become what You intended. Despite the hardships, the losses, the heart shattering disappointments that have taken place over 2 decades, something in me recognizes that the hard work is actually about to begin. This is not a traditional/transactional adventure. This is going to take more reliance on You than we have had before, more blind trust, which should not be an issue because we know Your nature, we know Your goodness and faithfulness and so we embark forward trusting just You.
Thank You.
““If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble and fall on open ground, what will you do in the thickets near the Jordan?” Jeremiah 12:5 NLT
I do not live the life I thought I wanted but I do live a life I really enjoy.
It’s different and difficult. In some aspects it lacks the structure I’m used to, but then the structure of God is rather different than that of the world.
All things with God are.
I miss having a schedule, I miss getting up at 4 in the morning to spent time with Jesus in the privacy of the closet before I set off to work, I miss silence… but what I have is better, and Jesus is available 24/7, silence not so much.
I love our impromptu days at the park or the library. The opportunities that come up that we would otherwise miss out on if we lived the life I thought I wanted because I’d be at work and my child would be at school, like other children his age. Honestly, I can’t even imagine him in a classroom, he’d be so bored, and I’d miss out on the countless stories, drawing and discoveries he makes through out the day.
I love watching him grow in his relationship with Jesus, he already knows his Bible better than I do. I love listening to his prayers, children have such a pure heart and Jesus called us to be childlike in our walk with Him… who best to learn childlike trust from than a child?
First time fishing.
There are so many things I wish were different or rather easier. Some days I wish the business was busier, thought I am thankful for our small beginning. I know it’s only programming on my part. It’s strange sometimes to find that all I was taught was wrong, even though it’s in the scriptures. We (society) have such a pessimistic view of life, we are never happy, we want things to be better, easier, comfortable. We are prone to ingratitude and complaints. We stress about things that are weeks if not months away. Always looking for the next experience, adventure or acquisition.
We take so much for granted. Too much.
Life did not make sense to me then, but life makes sense now.
The complete and utter alteration my life underwent with Jesus at the helm, as a project manager of sorts, has not been without difficulty or pain, but His ways make sense, and bring me peace.
I was created with a plan and a purpose, with gifts and dreams, that are all rooted in who Jesus made to be. He literally gave me the desires of my heart when He created me, which have nothing to do with what the world has taught me, and He never once expected me to go through life on my own figuring out what “I want to be when I grow up.” As I discover who He is and who He made me to be, I find that God is not the author of chaos and confusion, it’s the world that has misled me about everything, and a lot of times, most of the time, really, we don’t know because we have not asked Him.
In Him, all of my questions have answers, all of my pain has a purpose, so much of it was self inflected, because I was trying to figure out life rather than seeking Him, His kingdom, His righteousness.
I am thankful to Jesus Christ for His patience, mercy and grace, for the gift of time to turn my life around rather than allowing me to perish forever when He should have. I’m thankful for a 2nd chance at life, at marriage, at parenting, to learn His way in all things and live a life that is worthy of His mercy and grace.
Perfect I am not, and I will never be, but I can choose to be a person who seeks the will, the wisdom, of God over her life and her family in all aspects, who has gratitude to Him in all things and for all things, and who would rather be “missing out” on a life that is filled with stress and anxiety trying to keep up with the demands of an ever changing world, because in Jesus I have all I need, spiritually, physically and mentally. One day at a time.
The more I know God, the more I understand the intricacies of His design, and I find there is comfort in His purpose.
No, I am not living the life I thought I wanted, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why I ever wanted it at all… but I can never thank Him enough for all He has done for me today, and over the years, as He has been teaching me, breaking me, molding me, and for our time together, for our strange way of life, for the neighbors He has surrounded us with, for the peace and simplicity of the life that He has called us to, together, heavy as it may be at times, He always carries the load, anyway.
Maybe this will always be our life, maybe it won’t, I do not know and it does not matter. God knows what tomorrow holds and today, I simply chose to cherish, with praise and gratitude to my Lord Jesus Christ.
“There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.” Proverbs 14:12 NLT
“And yet, “Better to have one handful with quietness than two handfuls with hard work and chasing the wind.”” Ecclesiastes 4:6 NLT
“Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.” Ecclesiastes 6:10 NLT
I do not know how or why, but I do. I’ve seen them since I was a child, and though I did not always understand what they meant, I could see the repetitiveness of certain circumstances or situations in my life & the life of those around me. Because of this, people have always found me harsh in speech & I’ll admit, it’s hard to keep quiet sometimes, but…
God is prepping the soil. I’m learning to work through things with Him, and so here we are;
I see it, but unlike previous times, this time I have nothing to say. This time, I’m getting out of His way so that people can fail or succeed on their own.
“Good intentions,” and the need to” protect” someone we love is such a strange double sided blade. Just because something makes us feel better does not mean it is helpful Just because we want something does not mean it is in our best interest.
Love cuts. Jesus.
True love is not an endless happy feeling deep in my chest. It is the constant choice to show up with truth, with whole-hearted assistance & support, for those You have entrusted to me, without expectations, strings or manipulation. Love is choosing to accept that others are fallible, just as I am, and forgiveness and grace are essential, while also remembering that hard conversations close the door to resentment, and lead to a healthier situation for all. Love is understanding that I am the one who changed on them, and in their own way they care but they to not understand, and I cannot explain it to them, for very many reasons, not the least of which is Jesus Christ has to be experienced. He is a person, not an idea. We can share our testimonies but you do not know His faithfulness until you give Him the opportunity to show Himself faithful in the way that only He can.
I see patterns, and they drive people crazy because no one likes to be warned off their wants. I want to make things better, I want to teach them differently, I want to save them from pain, but if I’ve learned anything at all is that what broke me, won’t fix me.
It won’t fix them either.
The best I can do for all involved is remove myself, my feelings and my opinions out of the equation & pray;
Intercede rather than intervene.
Now, I let Jesus handle me, them & all involved. I trust Him to do what I have seen Him do with me. With us.
You created us, Lord, You know us inside & out, You know which lessons we need & how to best walk us & teach us through it.
People like to say “life/time are the best teaches,” but that’s not true.
You are the best teacher.
Only You.
In this season. I choose to focus on me. On You. On how I can better walk in obedience to You, Your word, Your calling over my life. I don’t care to be distracted by what You are or not doing in the lives of others, not even my husband or children.
I know that above all I answer to You, I trust You to lead. I choose to trust You & Michael to lead me. I know who You are. I have seen Your faithfulness every day of my life. You wrote my testimony. You saved me from myself, You have always kept me safe, housed, fed. I now understand what used to elude me:
My provider is You. My provision is You. In You, I will always have enough, of all I need.
With or without people, whoever they may be, I just need you. You created me with a plan and a purpose, and obedience is what you value most, and I have discovered that I like Your ways better, and so I aim to please You. It is not always easy, to love them as You have asked me to, but surrendering them to You is the best I can do, for them and for me. To love them with an open palm knowing that You gave them to me, You can take them back at any time, for any reason, and I live in gratitude for the good and the bad of today, whatever that looks like. If I can trust You with my life, I can trust You with theirs too. I will trust You to teach them through their mistakes, to refine them in their fire & while it hurts to watch my people stress, hurt & struggles, when I can so clearly see there’s a better way, I cannot rob them of the experiences that break their chains and brings them closer to You. I cannot hinder their process. You are writing their testimony as You wrote mine. ..
And so I see the patterns, Lord. In my life, and in their life, but this time I choose to sit and pray and stay out of the way. I will occupy my thoughts with Your word and my time proceeding with the tasks You asked me to complete. I know that You know who they are, You know where their pain lies, You know their strength & weakness, and You so much better than me, know their patterns, the calling You have over their lives, and I will praise & worship my way through my wilderness and theirs, I will stand in the gap, for their victory, for the honor of Your name.
Abraham understood, Lord, how to walk with You. How to receive Your blessings & entrust them back to You. People always try to hold on. Abraham was willing to sacrifice his child, his promise, long awaited for 25 long years. Abraham set off believing that God would provide an alternate sacrifice, or even raise Isaac back from the dead, he did not understand but he trusted, he did not give up halfway to Mt. Moriah and turn around because he had not yet seen God’s provision, he stayed the course and trusted his beloved child back to God, and his unshakeable faith saved Isaac from his death sentence. Where Sarah would have held on, as we mothers tend to do, argue, debate, negotiate, Abraham loved and cared for his son with his palm opened. Gentle. Patient. Trusting that God gave it, and if God took it away, it was because God had a plan for Isaac’s life that, Abraham did not understand, but chose to trust anyway. Abraham had seen God’s miraculous provision and favor. He had seen The Lord be faithful in the past, he did not allow himself to doubt or worry.
I now choose to do the same.
I will continue to pray for them. I will pray for them all, Jesus., friends, family, strangers, that You may open their eyes to any truth they are refusing to see, that You may open their ears to Your voice, so that they can march to the cadence of Your voice, alone.
I want so desperately to fix things. I can throw myself at busy work that leads nowhere but arguments and drama, very well… but the ways of the world have always failed me, no matter how or why, I just never have walked in sync with it, and for that I am grateful because, through my collection of life failures and unsatisfactory achievements, I found my way to You, Jesus, and I know that if You could take that mess of a girl and turn her into who I am today, healed, whole… then those I loved the most are safe in Your hands.
I serve You best by simply staying out of the way, quiet, and praying, worshipping, telling of Your goodness and faithfulness at every possible turn and trusting beyond all hope in You.
“Then Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head [in mourning for the children], and he fell to the ground and worshiped [God]. He said, “Naked (without possessions) I came [into this world] from my mother’s womb, And naked I will return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord.” Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God.” Job 1:20-22 AMP
“I will give thanks and praise the Lord, with all my heart; I will tell aloud all Your wonders and marvelous deeds. I will rejoice and exult in you; I will sing praise to Your name, O Most High.” Psalms 9:1-2 AMP
“All things are wearisome and all words are frail; Man cannot express it. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, Nor is the ear filled with hearing. [Prov 27:20] That which has been is that which will be [again], And that which has been done is that which will be done again. So there is nothing new under the sun. There is no remembrance of earlier things, Nor also of the later things that are to come; There will be for them no remembrance By generations who will come after them.” Ecclesiastes 1:8-9, 11 AMP
By faith Abraham, when he was tested [that is, as the testing of his faith was still in progress], offered up Isaac, and he who had received the promises [of God] was ready to sacrifice his only son [of promise]; [Gen 22:1-10] to whom it was said, “Through Isaac your descendants shall be called.” [Gen 21:12] For he considered [it reasonable to believe] t hat God was able to raise Isaac even from among the dead. [Indeed, in the sense that he was prepared to sacrifice Isaac in obedience to God] Abraham did receive him back [from the dead] figuratively speaking.” Hebrews 11:17-19 AMP
