I don’t know how You do it, and what’s more, I don’t understand why You bother. Personally, I have zero patience for my own stubbornness most days. I see the patterns, but breaking the behavior is harder than people tend to acknowledge.
Thank You.
Thank you for Your patience and mercy.
Thank You for every humbling reminder of just how much I have to be thankful for.
Thank You.
The last week has been one for the books. I see how You use those closest to me to teach and correct me. I now understand (to a small extent and in a very different way) why David knew that he could face Goliath and succeed. The intimacy and isolation of the pasture fields allowed for the time, and the predators presented opportunities, to truly develop that trust in You, God.
I pray more of us develop a heart for You as David had, but mostly I pray more of us remember all of David’s story, his failures as well as his successes.
Thank You for the people You placed on our path today.
Thank You for never leaving me.
Thank you for always allowing me to hear how stupid my own doubt sounds.
I understand why it had to be this way, and what’s more, I thank You for it. Today, I find myself grateful for simply breathing, because when that alone is a miracle, everything else is a bonus. Only You. Jesus could make a way. It is not about what You have given me, but about Your faithful presence. It’s about You being more than enough. You keeping Your promises. About how you lead, how You provide, always to Your standard not mine.
I have no interest in the crown. I have no desire for the responsibilities that would come with one, but I do want the heart of David and the wisdom of Solomon.
I want to fully, wholeheartedly live life for You.
Totally and completely.
I understand now that You knew me, You created me, You had a plan and a purpose for me before I was ever born. I need not find my place in this world because my place is in You, and because of that, any place is home, as long as You are there. I am thankful for You, for all that You are and all that You give, and I am committed to living this life You have called me to, because I want to honor and obey You.
I want to serve You with my whole heart all of the days of my life, and I cannot hold to anything above You to truly do that. I cannot pray for Your will over my life and then decide what it looks like. All I can do is trust You. Obey You. Follow Your examples and those of the disciples.
I cannot say that You are The Lord of my life and then attach demands and requirements for my earthly comfort in exchange for my obedience to You. The world is transactional, but You are not.
You are faithful, Jesus.
You are faithful and worthy of the honor and the praise. You are worthy of the suffering and the pain.
Only You.
I want to boldly walk the road for which You have made me. Fully reliant on You and nothing and no one else, and with my talents and gifts under Your control and direction.
I understand more now, Lord, and I thank you. Only You could take my most hated time of the year and turn it into my most favorite for reasons that have nothing to do with earthly gifts or traditions.
Thank You.
You truly are The Best Friend I could have ever hoped for.
“Show us your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation. I listen carefully to what God the Lord is saying, for he speaks peace to his faithful people. But let them not return to their foolish ways. Surely his salvation is near to those who fear him, so our land will be filled with his glory. Unfailing love and truth have met together. Righteousness and peace have kissed! Truth springs up from the earth, and righteousness smiles down from heaven. Yes, the Lord pours down his blessings. Our land will yield its bountiful harvest. Righteousness goes as a herald before him, preparing the way for his steps.”
The simplicity of breathing is a miracle I no longer take for granted, yet thankful as I am for my God-given 43rd birthday, for me today is about celebrating something far more important, for reasons few will understand.
Today marks 2 years since we lost our house, our home of 10 years, but it is not the loss that makes today important, nor is it melancholy feelings over the house or even the memories, no.
Two years ago, today, we walked out of the house for the very last time, with little to nothing to our names, nowhere to go, and no one but God to help us navigate the daily challenges that would arise. Today I celebrate 2 years of God keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs, all in ways we never could have predicted or even imagined, and through people we had not yet met.
It’s been two years since I embarked on a road that promised to be painful and difficult, and it has been all of that and more, but through it all, God has been faithful, and that is everything to me.
He is everything to me, and so today is about Him.
Even now, we should not be here; the finances do not make sense, yet week after week, Jesus makes a way. Always. It is not “if” Jesus will, but when. I have learned to stop asking “how.”
Two years ago, I walked out of my home and into the unknown, full of fear, anger, and frustration, with my husband, my 3-year-old son, and our dogs, thankful the older kids had “better circumstances.”
Words will never capture the fullness of what has been experienced in that time, the challenges, the moments of hopelessness that turned out to be everything but…
Today also marks nine months since we checked into this motel for a weekend, thinking we would be here at most for a week, until we heard… Nothing made sense then, but since then, though the weeks have been long, the incredible, life-altering lesson, where God has been concerned, have been priceless, and so I see that I did not truly lose anything at all then, because I gained real trust in Jesus along the way.
Jesus built my trust and reliance on Him. He did.
You told me once, Lord, You were looking for people who could go through 40 years in the wilderness with praise and worship, and since then You have proceeded to teach me how to do just that.
I have yet to master the lessons on praying, praising, and worshipping through the worst. Some days, I remind myself that David had to command his soul to praise, and so I do the same.
I do not miss the house, but I miss the countless hours that were spent in that closet. 5 minutes alone with You, these days, feels like a battle in and of itself, yet you are worth it all and more. You have been faithful to me when I have not been faithful to You.
Even now, I struggle with the right thing to do, or the feelings that sometimes threaten to overwhelm me over things that really are so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
In this place of hardships, where the world sees lack, discomfort, and uncertainty, in this place that appears to be chaos yet is actually anything but, You, God, have been fighting my battles every step along the way and making ways where none should exist. I find that everything I have come to learn about You only makes me want You more.
Your presence. Your wisdom. Your ways.
Thank You, Jesus, for taking the things that held me back from my God-given purpose in You.
Thank You for teaching me what it means to be in obedience and submission to my Creator.
Thank You for changing my life, my heart, my mind, and my soul. Thank you for the fire that burns inside me, and that drives me to seek to live a life that pleases You and no one else.
I can live for no other than You. Nothing else will satisfy.
I am thankful beyond words for these 43 years on earth. I am thankful for my life, for my husband, my children, my family, friends, and neighbors.
I have so much to be thankful for.
But more than anything else in the world, I am thankful for Jesus. Thankful that God is merciful and patient, and has led me to this place every step of the way. My only regret is that I did not allow myself to come face-to-face with my fears sooner. I did not trust Jesus as I do now.
I have no idea what tomorrow looks like, much less the next year of my life, should I be given the privilege of living another, but I know Jesus Christ. I know that I can take Him at His word. I know that I can trust Him. I know that He said, “Do not worry about tomorrow,” and then He proceeded to list all of the things we did not need to worry about because God knows our needs. I know that He said, “but first seek ye the kingdom of God and all of His righteousness,” and so I did. I know that He has never once failed me, so I know that He will not fail me now, but I did not know, any of those things until I had everything that made me feel safe and secure ripped from my hands, and their absence was filled by my Lord Jesus Christ, and for that I am always thankful not just today but every day.
Yes, today is my birthday, but without Jesus, I would have been dead and buried long ago, so who could be more deserving of my praise than Him today?
Job said it best when he said, “What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes.” Yet unlike Job, I have peace and quiet, though troubles do come, because I have Jesus, and I would rather do hard with Him than anything else in this world.
‘O God, I beg two favors from you; let me have them before I die. First, help me never to tell a lie. Second, give me neither poverty nor riches! Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord ?” And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name. ‘ Proverbs 30:7-9 NLT
I am excited to announce that my husband, Michael, is a small business owner. Yes, it is a business but mostly it is a ministry. A way to serve our community, and share The Gospel of Jesus Christ with those He brings to us.
Michael is an experienced handyman & mechanic, with over 20 years of experience in residential & commercial maintenance & repairs, as well as appliance installations, repairs & more.
The business itself, is the handyman services, where he prides himself in giving home/business owners trustworthy & quality services at affordable prices from a responsible, reliable and dependable professional.
The mobile mechanic side, is part of our ministry. A way to help people who lack the finances or skills, or even the time to learn the skills have safe & reliable transportation within their budget, all while sharing about the transformative love of Jesus Christ, in every circumstance.
For additional information or quotes please do not hesitate to call or text, or of you know someone who could use some help, please feel free to do so.
I used to know this woman, who had a talent for snapping me out of my pity party on the days when the weight of the struggles became too much. She would always give me a minute to vent, and then bring me back to the word of God, or share a personal testimony that would encourage and uplift me.
This person had such a bold faith that as she shared of her past life, I would struggle to see this new creation before me, the person I had gotten to know as the person she was before Christ, but unless you’ve been through The Refiner’s Fire, you can never truly comprehend how God changes us. Over the years this typically private and reserved woman told tales of a very painful life full of loss, heartbreak, and betrayals. She told me of her insecurities, and her failures and how trusting Jesus had healed her life, her marriage, now He was working on her children.
Her openness with me about who she was and where God found her, along with her willingness to always bring me back to God and hold me accountable to His word, were instrumental in getting me here, to Him, but also in teaching me, not just the importance of Godly accountability, but also how to hold myself accountable.
Through the pregnancy with Ezekiel, the metaphorical years of drought and famine, through the pain, the fear, the doubt, and the uncertainty, this woman held Jesus like a mirror to my face. Even when she could not understand or relate to our challenges, she clung to Jesus, on our behalf, and always, ALWAYS, pointed, reminded, encouraged and flat out called me out, as the situation required. She always led me back to Him, never encouraged me to give up hope, nor did she validated my feelings of fear, anger or hopelessness.
This was not a rainbows and butterflies kind of friendship, I can be a lot to handle, so we butted heads more than once, but my short temper and sharp tongue did not scare her, which for me, was a fairly new experience. I had always been able to scare people into compliance, so to speak.
The first time I read the book of Titus she came to mind. I remember texting afterwards, as we had not spoken in some time only to receive an automated message that the number had changed or been disconnected. I did not even know those were a thing.
I cried so hard. I felt abandoned.
In the years since then, God has allowed me to learn how to have that accountability, just me and Him.
His Holy Spirit has filled in her spot in my life. Sometimes Michael provides the spiritual smack upside the head I need, when I can’t or wont, hear what The Lord is saying, or when, I simply just need that reminder that my life is not my own, and I need to bring it back to God.
Too often, because of life, or how we were raised, or simply because we are humans that forget, we lack accountability to God and His word.
In my experience, some people do not believe we should hold each other accountable, they view it as judgement.
Others feel like we must live as we as best we can because if we are not living right, The Holy Spirit will hold us accountable, which is true, but I have also found the it can be fairly easy to ignore Him when we dont like what He is saying, or frankly, He sounds crazy to our human ears and limited understanding, which can be quite often.
This humble woman with a heart for Jesus, created a habit in me to take all things back to The Lord, which in her abscense as a spiritual big sister of sorts, became a habit of me reminding myself to take things back to The Lord to the point that now, I have become the equivalent of a 5 yr old, constantly asking God about everything from my actions and reactions, to His meaning, His opinion, His dirrection and everything in between.
I have learned that God is meticulous. He is a God of order and purpose. He created all things to work symbiotically.
The world has changed a million times over, but God never has, and I have learned to learn Him and not always expect Him to bend to my views, ideas or believes simply because it’s what I know or “life is different now.”
I’ve learned He did not create me to be at the mercy of a fallen world, but to live with in it in peace and freedom, fully dependent on Him.
Only Him.
There is a time and a place, of course, for the biblical relationships. Having the right people around us to help hold us accountable, to point us back to Jesus, to pray with us, for us, and come into agreement with us, is important. There are days in which I can hear her voice reminding me to take it back to God because without Him I’ll get myself in trouble, which I have done, make a mess of things, I mean.
But I would say the most important thing God has taught me is the importance of being able to do all of that, hold myself accountable, take things back to The Lord, seek Him for answers, guidance, use Jesus Christ as a mirror so that we can be more like Him, without depending on a person, not because they’re not important but because we have a habit of allowing people to matter more than Jesus does, because we trust or even fear, what we see and hear in the physical more than we trust and fear Him.
If a person hurts us, we get mad at God because “His people…” as if fallible humans could ever be a full, complete and honest representation of Jesus Christ.
We must seek to know Him for ourselves.
When I found myself alone, with not a soul in the world, I had a choice to make, to either fall back into old habits that opened the door to anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies or I could seek to recreate, for lack of a better explanation, that relationship with the one who was there:
Jesus Christ.
When I lost my entire life, as I knew it, and found myself alone, in a new place with not a soul responding to messages or calls, the one who never left me, the only one, was Jesus.
It was He who dried my tears, He who comforted me, corrected me, taught me and held me accountable, it was He who taught me that I was looking to people for things that were never meant for others to do for me or fill in me, only He could do that.
You see, this woman was important because through her I was able to hear what The Lord and my husband had been trying to get me to understand for many years, so God being God brought her and me, together at a place where through her faith and boldness, I would be able to hear Him.
In those days, Michael had been the cause of much pain, and his faith in Christ in the face of my suffering bothered me more than I realized. I did not want to hear about God, not from him, not when God had given me my husband and I had not gotten my fairytale because he wasn’t perfect. None of us are, but I expected him to be.
I got so much more than that, of course, but it would take me some time with The Lord and some new and some hard experiences to come face to face with the truth, a truth God had told me many years ago that I simply refused to accept:
My husband’s issues had nothing to do with me and I was making it personal. I tend to make a lot of things personal.
As is often the case with me, I spent some time angry and feeling sorry for myself because I missed my people, but they were never mine, and it wasn’t really them I missed as much as how Jesus showed up in my life, more than once, through them.
Her walk, her pain, her suffering, brought her to the life changing experience that is Jesus, and her bold faith and willingness to both share and be a teacher or sorts, was truly instrumental in helping me realize I was doing and seeing things wrong. She will forever be a huge part of my story, my testimony, and I took her for granted. I assumed she would always be a part of my life, so I never said thank you as I should have, but as my loving husband loves to remind me, this walk is individual. People come and go, but God never leaves us.
There is a time and a place for us to help, love, encourage, support and even push each other, yes, and there is also a time and a place for accountability and correction, but at the end of the day, when it is all said and done and my life is no more, it is God who I will answer to, and so I must learn to go to Him first, always, so that I may walk as He intended for me to, so that I may one day hear, well done good and faithful servant.
God created me, with a plan and for a purpose. My gifts, my talents, my purpose, and most importantly, my ministry, are all part of His plans, and I have to seek Him and only Him in order to discover what they are and how to best utilize them for His glory.
As people, we tend to take too much for granted, there are things that we do not question simply because it’s what we have always known.
Biblical friendships, relationships in general really, are important, but not so important that we allow them to derail us.
Job’s friends are a shinning example that I have been thinking about a lot recently, because in my own experiences, I have found more of them along the way, than I have of her.
Job had done nothing wrong, yet his wife told him to curse God and die, and his friends were adamant that he must have done something wrong to deserve his pain and suffering, when in reality the closer we seek to walk with The Lord, the bigger the target the enemy puts on us.
More than once I have asked myself, what if Hosea would’ve taken God’s command to marry a prostitute and double checked with His friends? I believe they would’ve talked him out of obeying God because marrying a prostitute just was not done.
Where would we be if Jesus had allowed Peter’s unwillingness or maybe inability, to understand God’s plan derail Him?
Jesus attempted to prepare His disciples for the day that He would be here no more, so that they would carry on as He taught them, without Him, but Peter, well meaning as he may have been, was a discouraging voice, he couldn’t understand, he had expectations for the Messiah that just did not align with God’s plan.
Jesus dying was not their plan, it was God’s and in obedience Jesus rebuked Peter.
Jesus told Mary Magdalene at the tomb not to cling to Him, but He meant His physical form specifically, Jesus had to die and resurrect and go home to The Father for our benefit, but just like the disciples and the rest of His followers were lost without Jesus being physically present after his death, we too often cling to people, places or things, that helped us in our walk with Jesus, when we must learn to allow others in, to receive them and their help or correction while still remembering that Jesus has to be the center of it all.
He must matter to us more than anything or anyone else.
We must learn to walk with Him and only Him, while also being bold in our faith, transparent in our transgression, and willing to serve one another, so that those who have yet to meet Him, may learn about Him.
It’s not about making others believe we are perfect, it’s not about others at all, it is about the life and death of The Son of God for our heavenly benefits and being so closed to Him that when life changes, we are able to carry on without missing a step, because we are following Him and not others.
I will forever love and pray for that woman, and for the others who have also played a role in my walk, but I am thankful for the abandonment that had to take place in order for me to learn that He is all I need, He is more than enough, He is able and willing and He is faithful and present, and I don’t truly need anyone but Him.
It is not a rejection of His people but the acceptance that He alone is all I need, and I must seek to know Him, walk with Him and talk to Him as Abraham and David did.
“Then Peter began to speak up. “We’ve given up everything to follow you,” he said. “Yes,” Jesus replied, “and I assure you that everyone who has given up house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or property, for my sake and for the Good News, will receive now in return a hundred times as many houses, brothers, sisters, mothers, children, and property—along with persecution. And in the world to come that person will have eternal life.” Mark 10:28-30 NLT
However tired I may be with the challenges, with the struggles, and with the uncertainty of the moment, I am tired of me more.
Our hardships did not start on March 21st when we checked in, nor did they start in December 21ˢᵗ, 2023, when we walked out of our house for the last time. They started long before then.
2023, alone, was a year for the record books. That year we spent a combined total over 30 days with no power between 3 separate instances, the shortest being 5 days, and the longest 18 days. Most of that year, there was little to no food, no necessities for weeks and a million other things most people never knew about. When I made the decision to get baptized that year, not a soul would have imagined what it would take to make it to baptism Sunday, myself included. We had no power, no car insurance, no gas. I went to bed that Saturday night defeated that I would not get baptized the next morning, yet joy came in the morning when I woke up to the news that we would make it after all, we had the means to get there and back, missing it was not going to turn my power back on, nor was it going to help anything else. Even as I write this I wonder if Michael ever fully understood what it meant to me then that we made it to the lake for the baptism. I don’t know that I ever thanked him for it, or anything else for that matter.
2 annual baptism Sundays have gone by since the one I got baptist at, and much to my disappointment, we’ve not made it to either of them, but I guess Jesus already knew that which is why He ensured I made it.
You’d think that after losing the life we worked hard for over 10 yrs to build, living in a motel would be a walk in the park, and truthfully, most days it is. I have a safe roof, with nice and helpful staff and incredible neighbors whom I am convinced God brought here just for us. This is a cushy way to be homeless, if I am honest, yet in keeping with truth and transparency, most days all I see is what a money hole it is.
When we first checked in, we were paying by the day because we didn’t have the means to pay weekly much less monthly, and frankly we never imagined we would be here this long. More than once I told The Lord that if we could pay by the week, it would be less stressful, and I would be fine.
That was a lie.
I did not know it at the time, of course, but it was. By the time we gathered enough to pay weekly, I was upset because I wanted to use that money to move out. 6 months here and some days, I still struggle to believe no one ever called about a single rental application I put in for us. Not one.
Still, my plans being derailed is no reason to allow myself to become consumed, almost to the point of obsession, with the payment. I know this, better than I would like to admit yet I would be lying if I didn’t say that despite countless conversations with The Lord, for month now my every waking thought has been about “Friday” because that’s when the room comes due.
Now, you’re likely wondering what any of this has to do with my being tired of myself, and it is this:
Over the last 2 years alone, I have lost vehicles, home, children and on top of all of that, God asked me to resign my job. Yet despite all of that, or maybe because of it, I have also experienced God’s patience, goodness, faithfulness, correction and provisions like never before.
God is not some distant deity that is cold and uncaring, on the contrary, He is far from it. God is here. Present. We have whole conversations some days, yet the minute the bank says $0 or it looks as though a bill won’t get paid, on time or at all, I begin to unravel.
I get angry, because it seems to be my one emotion.
Anger.
It fuels me. It drives me, and try as I may, I can’t seem to break up with anger. I keep allowing what I see, or rather what I don’t, to take away from what God already told me long ago. I keep saying things like:
“that money could be better spent…” or ” God could do things better…”
And God keeps asking me: “Better by whose standard?”
And that alone is the million dollar question, isnt it? By whose standard am I trying to live, His or mine?
In this place, I have met different kinds of people, different stories, colors, backgrounds, yet in some ways we are more of a biblical Church than the Church 50 Feet away from my door. Here I have learned, a lot, about who God is and how He functions, yes, but also about the true status of my heart.
My heart is a problem.
In this place, I’ve had strangers come to my door, provisions in hand, in a way I had never experienced before. From food, to clothes and shoes and everything in between. In this place God has somehow become more real, more present, more faithful…
Yet some days, all I can see, all I choose to focus on really, on what goes “wrong” be that the jobs that fall through, the interviews that get postponed, or the opportunities that did not go our way.
Now, I know better than this. I know better than to doubt, I know better than to push for control or be impatient for what comes next, I really do, and I make no excuses for it, all I can say is bad habits truly do die hard, and I was raised to be money focused not Jesus focused, and therein lies the problem, but that is a conversation for another day.
There is an old John Wooden quote I love that says:
“There is a choice you have to make in everything you do, so keep in mind that in the end, the choice you make, makes you.”
I have always believed in the importance of wise choices, yet when it matters most, I’m letting my emotions get the best of me, and not making all the wisest choices because I can’t stand to watch Michael work, attempt to run a business, help half the neighborhood and yet always we have just enough for the room. Some days I wonder, if we wouldn’t be better off in the truck, we would definitely free up hundreds of dollars a week that way, but I cannot do that to my kid. His short 5 years have had enough loss, enough hardships, drama and so much more, that to willingly give up the room to save the money would not only be reckless, it would be disobedience, because God has not released us from here.
He has, however, told me to wait on Him, to trust Him, to Focus on what He called me to do and leave the room to Him and Michael, yet I struggle to let go of control despite knowing that I don’t really have any. I’m not solving any problems, if anything, I have created more of them, yet I have allowed my mind to be consumed by this one “problem” that isn’t really a problem at all.
My flesh and my heart are in conflict.
I want to get off the emotional rollercoaster, yet I can’t seem to find my way off. So yeah, I am tired of me, because I know what God said, and I know who He is and that alone should be enough, and most days it is because God is always more than enough, but other days…
I allow the lies satan whispers to make me question what know to be true, and I should never, ever, allow that. Ever.
Say a prayer for Michael, y ‘all. The poor man has a lot to juggle, and then he also has me to deal with. God has given me a patient and gentle man who deserves all of the prayers he can get, because I don’t know how he is not tired of my moods yet, when I am tired of myself.
“And now, O Lord God, I am your servant; do as you have promised concerning me and my family. Confirm it as a promise that will last forever.” 2 Samuel 7:25 NLT
This week I got to experience, the good and bad of humanity. Twice as much good than bad, yet it’s been the disappointment that has taken up most of my thoughts.
I allowed the ill intentions of one person to overshadow the kindness of two others and for that, I repent. I make no excuses, yes it’s been a long, hard 6 months, particularly the last couple of weeks, it’s like the obstacles present themselves in groups and some days they really are all I see. I have allowed my impatience to open the door to anger, to entitlement and to resentment, when deep down I know You’ve had Your reasons, I have seen Your hand at work, in me, in my family and in the lives of those around us and I know that I know that You have kept us, here, safe, provided for, fed…
But the money, Lord. With me things always come back to the money. I keep thinking that it could be better used in other ways, but the question You present is: Better according to whom?
I know that Your ways are not my ways. I know that You, Jesus, are the same yesterday, today and forever, so why do I continue trying to do things my way? on my time? To my expectations?
How do I know better, yet I don’t, all at the same time?
Growing up in catholic school, one of my biggest questions as a child was, How can there not be one answer? People always taught about Your goodness but Your words, Your commandments, seemed to be open to interpretation. You were presented as a god who didn’t care what I did all week as long as I made it to church, to go thru the motions. Life at home never improved and none of it made sense.
How was it that a God who created all with meticulous detail, didn’t seem to have purpose or even meaning to His word? How can there be a right and wrong but no definite answers from Him? How can my life be judged when there are no clear rules to the journey? The questions plagued me as I visited so many churches growing up, looking for the answers that evaded me. I never expected it would take me more than 20 years, a near couple of death experiences, an alcoholic habit, an abusive marriage, a short stint as a single mother, and God answering various prayers that would take yet another 20 yrs for me to grasp, the untimely death of various friends and my very own rock bottom before I would find the answers I desperately sought and understand them.
You, Jesus, are The Answer to every question, and in every situation, I must seek to know You will.
How did I ever think I could walk Godly life ,with You, by following my worldly knowledge?
You told me I needed to unlearn. You told me You would teach me, lead me, yet I struggle, often, with a lot of my own ways because it’s what I know and much like Ezekiel gets when he doesn’t want to do hard, I too tend to fall apart.
I am desperate to change my circumstances, but I know that the time will come, I just need to focus on working on my own heart with You. I need to focus on You more than I focus on my struggles. I need to allow You to consume me more than I allow my problems to consume me. I need to pray for, and be grateful for all You have made possible for us via Your seople, more than I complain about satan’s 1 minion. I allowed my feelings over my perceived loss steal my joy over the kindness of those You used to achieve Your purpose.
My focus is wrong, once again, and once again, You have taken the time to save me from myself, and meet me where I am at with both kindness and correction, and presented this verse to remind me that what I know, what I have been taught by people and the world, is not what is true.
You are what is true. You are what matters. You are what I must focus on and cling to.
Just You.
There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death. Proverbs 14:12 NLT
It is so hard to grasp the fact that it has been 6 months.
I remember, clearly, the certainty, of this being a short stop along the way. A week, two at the very most.
Now here I am staring at the calendar wondering where the time went.
I truly do not understand. I can honestly say that it’s been a longest and most difficult time, devoid of people, and at times lonely yet not really. Jesus has never once left my side.
He is faithful.
As for me, I am ready to walk out of this place for the very last time. I’ve been ready since I arrived. I did not think, it would come to this, not really.
As time has progressed, I had almost lost hope, but a child’s bold yet humble prayer recently reminded me that God is not a liar, we can trust Him implicitly.
Despite all of my feelings, [particularly on the harder days, full of difficult subjects,] I have seen Gods hand at work, in me, and in those around me, and through each and every one of us.
I have seen miracles, I have seen provisions, I have learned hard lessons, and I find myself learning to ask the right questions, to the right person:
God.
I am thankful for this place & I am thankful for these people, but I really am believing that God will come will open a door for us, sooner than I dare hope. Despite the fact that I’m still here months longer than I expected to be.
Day after day. I sit at one of the two windows, worship music playing in my ears, bible close at hand, praying for the day in which the dream, the promise, becomes a reality.
Some days, finding the will to praise my way through the day has felt like a civil war.
Some days the anger & frustration threaten to be my undoing.
Every day I am thankful for all that I do have in this place, and what it means to have abundance, I also remind myself that God prepared me for this, for how hard it has been, and for the countless other things I cannot put into words, God knows I’ve tried.
In this place I do not wish to be at, I have come face to face with The Lord, in a different way from before, and I find that though I am ready to be anywhere but here, here is where God has brought me, here is where He has provided for me, kept me, taught me & set me free, so here I shall remain.
Here I have learned that two things can, in fact, be true at the same time, even if they seem to contradict each other:
• I do not wish to be here. I have already been here much longer than I dared imagine.
• I will stay where The Lord has brought me to, because I rather be in this place with Him than anywhere else in the world.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I am learning what it means to God, not to me, to truly know, depend and trust The One who does:
Jesus.
“And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:30-34 NLT https://bible.
For almost 2 decades Michael & I have received various words over the years, sometimes together, sometimes not, regarding our ministry, our calling, our marriage and our lives.
I thought I knew, thought I was prepared, but nothing could have been further from the truth, because nothing on this earthly plane could have prepared me for the plans God had, the lesson He has taugh and will continue to teach, or the road He choose that has led me here, the road that continues on ahead.
The last 5 months have been such a strange combination of celebrations and struggles, but the last 2 weeks have been intense. Testimonies that have been dug from the rubble and ashes of our past life.
We have been able to celebrate the anniversary of the victories of some battles, while struggling to navigate through new ones.
I honestly have moments in which I feel like the ball inside the pinball machine. Some days it does feel like the war will never end, which it will not, but Christ is my rest and He has been faithful. There is no reason for me to entertain my worldly feelings. None.
Most days, I let the anniversary of the past wins push me through the new battles in front of me, with as much gratitude as I can muster for just how faithful Jesus has been with me through the years, but especially the last few years.
Every day comes with a new level of dependence & reliance on Jesus. It has not been easy, it has not made sense, it has not been comfortable but… it has made us softer, kinder, gentler. It has bred compassion for others, taught us a lot of humbling lessons, and has also brought us closer together, and most importantly, to HIM.
Someway, somehow, all of the painful things in life, have brought us closer to Christ and each other, and there is just peace in the storm.
I used to feel like I was drowning, like I kept pulling myself up for air, and something kept dragging me down into the darkness of the water, but now there are moments in which it feels like I am wrapped in a serene bubble, just breathing underwater, somehow. I have wished a million times things would get easier but the truth is, I have accepted what is because I wouldn’t trade any of it, or Him, for all the riches and comforts the world has to offer.
The last year has been a different type of intense from previous ones. The challenges have been different and the things that used to work, worked no more. It’s been a constant state of communication with The Lord just to get through a day.
A few weeks ago, as I was on one of my walks with The Lord, I heard The Holy Spirit say:
“You are more upset with the appearance of your circumstances than the truth of it.”
That truth hit me like a ton of bricks.
There I was. Exposed. My mother’s daughter. Thinking about what it looks like not what it is. I honestly thought I had overcome that nasty family trait when I was 7. Shows how much I know.
That little painful nugget of information has had me examining my heart non stop since then. I have no interest in being that person. I know God knows the truth that even I’m not aware of in regards to this current situation, and yet…
I can’t deny it. We were made to look like something we are not. In hindsight we were the perfect target. From a spiritual standpoint, I know what I must do and how I should proceed forward, but the very real, very fallible human in me is angry, deep down in places I did not know existed. I feel abused and betrayed and I struggle to get passed it.
More than once I have asked myself, God & even Michael:
How did Jesus not defend Himself?
I honestly cannot tell you. I struggle to keep my mouth shut a lot.
Now God, has told me, both directly and in a multitude of ways, via various people, to wait. God says rest. God says He will take care of all of my needs, all of my battles… and that should be the end of that conversation. I know that. I should be praying for people. I should be standing in the gap, interceding for them to be free of the demons that make them this way… and sometimes I am… but I’m also just angry. I should also be rejoicing, for The Bible tells me to:
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them.”
But I am struggling to find much joy in the process today. I want my faith to be tested, I want my endurance to grow, so that I may be perfect and complete in Him, needing nothing but Him.
I am understanding, to a new extent, the meaning of the words “what the enemy meant for evil…” and I’m truly struggling to wrap my head around the magnitude of it all. A year ago, I felt like I was on top of the highest mountain, screaming at the world “Look what God has done!” Today, it feels a little bit like I got my legs knocked out from under me and I stumbled all the way down to deepest bottom, and hit every rock and bump on the way down… but I know, in ways I could not explain to myself or anyone that I am not defeated, satan will try and take us out in the ways that we’ve always feared. We give him the roadmap I tell you, but God.
GOD!
Don’t ask me how anything will turn out better than I could even hope. I don’t even know what I am hoping for, to be honest. But I know Him. I trust Him. He has earned that. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Him. Jesus has never once failed me.
I did not imagine it would look like this, I would not have chosen this way, but I think deep down I knew, which is why it has taken me so long to get here before now.
I likely never would’ve said ‘yes ’to Christ had I known the truth then, but having lived through just the last 5 years with Him alone, because I truly can go a lot further back than that, I can say that whatever comes next, it’ll be for His glory, and until the page turns, I will find the strength and will to praise His mighty name and I will continue to lay my heart at His feet, day after day and praying all of you who might be reading this, may also surrender your heart at His feet, so that His will becomes your will, and pleasing Him the thing You too want most in the world.
“The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened. I have not rebelled or turned away. I offered my back to those who beat me and my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard. I did not hide my face from mockery and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame. He who gives me justice is near. Who will dare to bring charges against me now? Where are my accusers? Let them appear! See, the Sovereign Lord is on my side! Who will declare me guilty? All my enemies will be destroyed like old clothes that have been eaten by moths! Who among you fears the Lord and obeys his servant? If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord and rely on your God. But watch out, you who live in your own light and warm yourselves by your own fires. This is the reward you will receive from me: You will soon fall down in great torment.” Isaiah 50:4-11 NLT
Let us no longer doubt, not just Your ability, but also Your willingness to be our shelter, our provider, our redeemer, our healer.
Let us no longer wish to dictate, nor attempt to manipulate Your will in our lives.
Let us comprehend that choosing You is an act of love and obedience.
Let us no longer doubt Your love, Your goodness, Your faithfulness and steadfastness.
Let us never forget Your promise to us.
Let us never doubt Your promise because of our own impatience, You make us wait for us, not for You. You take the time to prepare us and make our transitions flawless, for our own benefit, for our own growth.
The challenges that try to take us out, the way in which the enemy chooses to spread fear and doubt says more about us than it does about You.
The seasons change, as do the challenges that come with them, but You remain the same, yesterday, today & Forevermore.
We are the Israelites in their Exodus, and You are The same God who cared for them every step of the wilderness.
Teach me, Father, how to go through all the varying challenges of the wilderness, with gratitude, with praise and with worship, because as long as You are with me, I have more than I could ever hope to need. Let us never forget who You are, what You’ve done, where You brought us here from, because without You, none of this is possible.
“Give thanks to the God of heaven. His faithful love endures forever.” Psalms 136:26 NLT
I came across this journal entry from October 2020, and felt led to share. Never could I have foreseen how that broken girl would end up as the woman I am today. All glory to God. There were so many things I can now look back and understand so clearly, that did not make sense to me at the time. I am so grateful to God Almighty for the road He has lead me on, and that I arrived here, safe in His hands, free from the pain, fear, anger and resentment that rotted my soul. I pray this blesses someone today.
Journal entry. Original Date 10.12.2020
Dear Father:
I wish I could tell you that I know what I am doing, but You and I both know that I do not.
I wish I could say that I am coming to You out of something more than fear or desperation, but I really do not believe I am. You know I have been procrastinating this moment longer than I care to admit.
When I found out about my pregnancy with Ezekiel, I was in denial. I questioned if it was even sane to have a baby when we had done nothing but struggle for so long. I wish I could say that I eventually understood Your plan, but truth is I blindly and numbly went through the motions, and things just more or less seem to work out.
I know that I am private, prideful and I love to live in my antisocial bubble, but I refuse to believe that You sent us a child so that we could struggle in a life of misery.
I don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know how we care for the kids, pay the bills and how I stop being dead inside, but I know that You have a plan, Lord.
I don’t know it. I don’t see it. I don’t even feel it, but I know that you always have a plan for us.
I don’t know how to seek a relationship with You, Lord, and I make no excuses:
I am half dead inside. I am the most untrusting person there is, and I don’t know how to relinquish control, but doors close in my face at every turn. I can’t pay the bills. I can’t find a 2nd job, Michael can’t find any job, and all I can think of are the kids and all I can see are the unpaid bills and I am scared, Lord. Scared and feeling hopeless.
I do not want to feel hopeless, Lord.
I want to be a better person, a healthier person, a happier person. I want to take care of my kids, and be a better mother and wife.
I do not believe You sent us a child so that we could suffer, struggle and be homeless.
There is a plan here, and I am just too stubborn and willful to see it.
We need desperate help, Lord, and if it is not too much to ask for, I would like to keep my house, and my dogs, which I realize seems silly but we love them. I don’t care about the car, it’s just a way to get around.
I know I’ve been angry, and I know that I have been resentful. I have felt abandoned by You and I flip flop a lot.
I’m a mess Lord.
Help me not be such a mess.
I know that You know better than I what our needs are.
There is a struggle inside my soul. There is a battle I am loosing. I do not know what is happening, but I need You to keep me safe.
I hate to rush You, Lord, or seem impatient, ungrateful or untrusting, but I pray You save us soon.
-amie
“Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the stomach of the fish, and said, “I called out of my trouble and distress to the Lord, And He answered me; Out of the belly of Sheol I cried for help, And You heard my voice. [Ps 120:1; 130:1; 142:1; Lam 3:55-58] “For You cast me into the deep, Into the [deep] heart of the seas, And the currents surrounded and engulfed me; All Your breakers and billowing waves passed over me. [Ps 42:7]” Jonah 2:1-3 AMP
Psalms 73 