It is so hard to grasp the fact that it has been 6 months.
I remember, clearly, the certainty, of this being a short stop along the way. A week, two at the very most.
Now here I am staring at the calendar wondering where the time went.
I truly do not understand. I can honestly say that it’s been a longest and most difficult time, devoid of people, and at times lonely yet not really. Jesus has never once left my side.
He is faithful.
As for me, I am ready to walk out of this place for the very last time. I’ve been ready since I arrived. I did not think, it would come to this, not really.
As time has progressed, I had almost lost hope, but a child’s bold yet humble prayer recently reminded me that God is not a liar, we can trust Him implicitly.
Despite all of my feelings, [particularly on the harder days, full of difficult subjects,] I have seen Gods hand at work, in me, and in those around me, and through each and every one of us.
I have seen miracles, I have seen provisions, I have learned hard lessons, and I find myself learning to ask the right questions, to the right person:
God.
I am thankful for this place & I am thankful for these people, but I really am believing that God will come will open a door for us, sooner than I dare hope. Despite the fact that I’m still here months longer than I expected to be.
Day after day. I sit at one of the two windows, worship music playing in my ears, bible close at hand, praying for the day in which the dream, the promise, becomes a reality.
Some days, finding the will to praise my way through the day has felt like a civil war.
Some days the anger & frustration threaten to be my undoing.
Every day I am thankful for all that I do have in this place, and what it means to have abundance, I also remind myself that God prepared me for this, for how hard it has been, and for the countless other things I cannot put into words, God knows I’ve tried.
In this place I do not wish to be at, I have come face to face with The Lord, in a different way from before, and I find that though I am ready to be anywhere but here, here is where God has brought me, here is where He has provided for me, kept me, taught me & set me free, so here I shall remain.
Here I have learned that two things can, in fact, be true at the same time, even if they seem to contradict each other:
• I do not wish to be here. I have already been here much longer than I dared imagine.
• I will stay where The Lord has brought me to, because I rather be in this place with Him than anywhere else in the world.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds, but I am learning what it means to God, not to me, to truly know, depend and trust The One who does:
Jesus.
“And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” Matthew 6:30-34 NLT https://bible.
For almost 2 decades Michael & I have received various words over the years, sometimes together, sometimes not, regarding our ministry, our calling, our marriage and our lives.
I thought I knew, thought I was prepared, but nothing could have been further from the truth, because nothing on this earthly plane could have prepared me for the plans God had, the lesson He has taugh and will continue to teach, or the road He choose that has led me here, the road that continues on ahead.
The last 5 months have been such a strange combination of celebrations and struggles, but the last 2 weeks have been intense. Testimonies that have been dug from the rubble and ashes of our past life.
We have been able to celebrate the anniversary of the victories of some battles, while struggling to navigate through new ones.
I honestly have moments in which I feel like the ball inside the pinball machine. Some days it does feel like the war will never end, which it will not, but Christ is my rest and He has been faithful. There is no reason for me to entertain my worldly feelings. None.
Most days, I let the anniversary of the past wins push me through the new battles in front of me, with as much gratitude as I can muster for just how faithful Jesus has been with me through the years, but especially the last few years.
Every day comes with a new level of dependence & reliance on Jesus. It has not been easy, it has not made sense, it has not been comfortable but… it has made us softer, kinder, gentler. It has bred compassion for others, taught us a lot of humbling lessons, and has also brought us closer together, and most importantly, to HIM.
Someway, somehow, all of the painful things in life, have brought us closer to Christ and each other, and there is just peace in the storm.
I used to feel like I was drowning, like I kept pulling myself up for air, and something kept dragging me down into the darkness of the water, but now there are moments in which it feels like I am wrapped in a serene bubble, just breathing underwater, somehow. I have wished a million times things would get easier but the truth is, I have accepted what is because I wouldn’t trade any of it, or Him, for all the riches and comforts the world has to offer.
The last year has been a different type of intense from previous ones. The challenges have been different and the things that used to work, worked no more. It’s been a constant state of communication with The Lord just to get through a day.
A few weeks ago, as I was on one of my walks with The Lord, I heard The Holy Spirit say:
“You are more upset with the appearance of your circumstances than the truth of it.”
That truth hit me like a ton of bricks.
There I was. Exposed. My mother’s daughter. Thinking about what it looks like not what it is. I honestly thought I had overcome that nasty family trait when I was 7. Shows how much I know.
That little painful nugget of information has had me examining my heart non stop since then. I have no interest in being that person. I know God knows the truth that even I’m not aware of in regards to this current situation, and yet…
I can’t deny it. We were made to look like something we are not. In hindsight we were the perfect target. From a spiritual standpoint, I know what I must do and how I should proceed forward, but the very real, very fallible human in me is angry, deep down in places I did not know existed. I feel abused and betrayed and I struggle to get passed it.
More than once I have asked myself, God & even Michael:
How did Jesus not defend Himself?
I honestly cannot tell you. I struggle to keep my mouth shut a lot.
Now God, has told me, both directly and in a multitude of ways, via various people, to wait. God says rest. God says He will take care of all of my needs, all of my battles… and that should be the end of that conversation. I know that. I should be praying for people. I should be standing in the gap, interceding for them to be free of the demons that make them this way… and sometimes I am… but I’m also just angry. I should also be rejoicing, for The Bible tells me to:
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them.”
But I am struggling to find much joy in the process today. I want my faith to be tested, I want my endurance to grow, so that I may be perfect and complete in Him, needing nothing but Him.
I am understanding, to a new extent, the meaning of the words “what the enemy meant for evil…” and I’m truly struggling to wrap my head around the magnitude of it all. A year ago, I felt like I was on top of the highest mountain, screaming at the world “Look what God has done!” Today, it feels a little bit like I got my legs knocked out from under me and I stumbled all the way down to deepest bottom, and hit every rock and bump on the way down… but I know, in ways I could not explain to myself or anyone that I am not defeated, satan will try and take us out in the ways that we’ve always feared. We give him the roadmap I tell you, but God.
GOD!
Don’t ask me how anything will turn out better than I could even hope. I don’t even know what I am hoping for, to be honest. But I know Him. I trust Him. He has earned that. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Him. Jesus has never once failed me.
I did not imagine it would look like this, I would not have chosen this way, but I think deep down I knew, which is why it has taken me so long to get here before now.
I likely never would’ve said ‘yes ’to Christ had I known the truth then, but having lived through just the last 5 years with Him alone, because I truly can go a lot further back than that, I can say that whatever comes next, it’ll be for His glory, and until the page turns, I will find the strength and will to praise His mighty name and I will continue to lay my heart at His feet, day after day and praying all of you who might be reading this, may also surrender your heart at His feet, so that His will becomes your will, and pleasing Him the thing You too want most in the world.
“The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened. I have not rebelled or turned away. I offered my back to those who beat me and my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard. I did not hide my face from mockery and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame. He who gives me justice is near. Who will dare to bring charges against me now? Where are my accusers? Let them appear! See, the Sovereign Lord is on my side! Who will declare me guilty? All my enemies will be destroyed like old clothes that have been eaten by moths! Who among you fears the Lord and obeys his servant? If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord and rely on your God. But watch out, you who live in your own light and warm yourselves by your own fires. This is the reward you will receive from me: You will soon fall down in great torment.” Isaiah 50:4-11 NLT
Let us no longer doubt, not just Your ability, but also Your willingness to be our shelter, our provider, our redeemer, our healer.
Let us no longer wish to dictate, nor attempt to manipulate Your will in our lives.
Let us comprehend that choosing You is an act of love and obedience.
Let us no longer doubt Your love, Your goodness, Your faithfulness and steadfastness.
Let us never forget Your promise to us.
Let us never doubt Your promise because of our own impatience, You make us wait for us, not for You. You take the time to prepare us and make our transitions flawless, for our own benefit, for our own growth.
The challenges that try to take us out, the way in which the enemy chooses to spread fear and doubt says more about us than it does about You.
The seasons change, as do the challenges that come with them, but You remain the same, yesterday, today & Forevermore.
We are the Israelites in their Exodus, and You are The same God who cared for them every step of the wilderness.
Teach me, Father, how to go through all the varying challenges of the wilderness, with gratitude, with praise and with worship, because as long as You are with me, I have more than I could ever hope to need. Let us never forget who You are, what You’ve done, where You brought us here from, because without You, none of this is possible.
“Give thanks to the God of heaven. His faithful love endures forever.” Psalms 136:26 NLT
I came across this journal entry from October 2020, and felt led to share. Never could I have foreseen how that broken girl would end up as the woman I am today. All glory to God. There were so many things I can now look back and understand so clearly, that did not make sense to me at the time. I am so grateful to God Almighty for the road He has lead me on, and that I arrived here, safe in His hands, free from the pain, fear, anger and resentment that rotted my soul. I pray this blesses someone today.
Journal entry. Original Date 10.12.2020
Dear Father:
I wish I could tell you that I know what I am doing, but You and I both know that I do not.
I wish I could say that I am coming to You out of something more than fear or desperation, but I really do not believe I am. You know I have been procrastinating this moment longer than I care to admit.
When I found out about my pregnancy with Ezekiel, I was in denial. I questioned if it was even sane to have a baby when we had done nothing but struggle for so long. I wish I could say that I eventually understood Your plan, but truth is I blindly and numbly went through the motions, and things just more or less seem to work out.
I know that I am private, prideful and I love to live in my antisocial bubble, but I refuse to believe that You sent us a child so that we could struggle in a life of misery.
I don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know how we care for the kids, pay the bills and how I stop being dead inside, but I know that You have a plan, Lord.
I don’t know it. I don’t see it. I don’t even feel it, but I know that you always have a plan for us.
I don’t know how to seek a relationship with You, Lord, and I make no excuses:
I am half dead inside. I am the most untrusting person there is, and I don’t know how to relinquish control, but doors close in my face at every turn. I can’t pay the bills. I can’t find a 2nd job, Michael can’t find any job, and all I can think of are the kids and all I can see are the unpaid bills and I am scared, Lord. Scared and feeling hopeless.
I do not want to feel hopeless, Lord.
I want to be a better person, a healthier person, a happier person. I want to take care of my kids, and be a better mother and wife.
I do not believe You sent us a child so that we could suffer, struggle and be homeless.
There is a plan here, and I am just too stubborn and willful to see it.
We need desperate help, Lord, and if it is not too much to ask for, I would like to keep my house, and my dogs, which I realize seems silly but we love them. I don’t care about the car, it’s just a way to get around.
I know I’ve been angry, and I know that I have been resentful. I have felt abandoned by You and I flip flop a lot.
I’m a mess Lord.
Help me not be such a mess.
I know that You know better than I what our needs are.
There is a struggle inside my soul. There is a battle I am loosing. I do not know what is happening, but I need You to keep me safe.
I hate to rush You, Lord, or seem impatient, ungrateful or untrusting, but I pray You save us soon.
-amie
“Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the stomach of the fish, and said, “I called out of my trouble and distress to the Lord, And He answered me; Out of the belly of Sheol I cried for help, And You heard my voice. [Ps 120:1; 130:1; 142:1; Lam 3:55-58] “For You cast me into the deep, Into the [deep] heart of the seas, And the currents surrounded and engulfed me; All Your breakers and billowing waves passed over me. [Ps 42:7]” Jonah 2:1-3 AMP
You are good Lord, in the moments in which you answer prayers, but in the moments of darkness, in the valley full of predators under the cover of night, You are even better.
As I reflect, on an almost daily basis, on how far we have come, on how faithful You have been at every turn, on what it truly means to have plenty…
I look forward with anticipation for what You have yet to do.
We have been at this crossroads before and it did not end well then, but this time is different, because You are with us. You are leading him. You are leading me.
I submit to my loving, gentle husband because I now understand that I am not privy to all the details. Michael and I play different roles, we have different responsibilities, but we work together toward Your common goal. We each have pieces of the story, You are the Author of it all.
There is purpose. There is order. There is a clear chain of command and a clear mission plan. You are The Commander, we are Your foot soldiers and we choose to obey.
We step out in bold faith, trusting You.
This time is different because we are committed to the mission and to honoring our chain of command, whatever the days ahead look like, I have my marching orders.
In Matthew 6: 9-34 Jesus taught us how to pray, but He also taught us how to live, with praise and gratitude to the God who provides for our daily needs and tames our anxieties, Jesus explained in great detail how to walk daily with You, on this fallen earth, so that we may look more like Him.
For years now, You have been trying to teach us how to live the life You called us to live, but I wanted none of it then.
I want all of it now.
As we embark on this new adventure, on this New Year, 2025, I find that having witnessed and experienced Your mercy, power, grace, provisions, healing, faithfulness and trustworthiness, I know I have nothing to fear and so I look forward to the future, as I take comfort and strength in our history, Father, in our past.
I don’t feel a need to fight, a need to control. You keep Your promises and so I trust.
You were faithful then, You will be faithful now.
Better days are coming. We are just starting out but for now, I have peace, comfort and joy. I find that I am content to stay here, with You, for however long it takes.
I trust You. I follow You. I take every opportunity to experience You, to see You working in our life and that of others.
“The Lord is my light and my salvation— so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? When evil people come to devour me, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. Though a mighty army surrounds me, my heart will not be afraid. Even if I am attacked, I will remain confident. The one thing I ask of the Lord— the thing I seek most— is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord’s perfections and meditating in his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music. Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me, O God of my salvation! Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.” Psalms 27:1-14 NLT
Sometimes I look at my life and I think to myself:
“The whole world is on fire and this is what occupies your thoughts?!”
There truly are so many other things that should be consuming my thoughts, a million other questions I should be taking to the Lord and working out with Him.
Instead, I find myself thinking of things past, wanting to reach out to people that I know God removed from my life for His reasons.
It’s not as though I’m unaware of the many reasons for why this is unhealthy and even growth-hindering behavior, because I’m not.
I can make no excuses but will say that there are times when the seemingly-innocent things we overlook in our daily life, the things that we give undeserved value to, grow deep, life-threatening roots in our heart while we are not looking. And just when I thought it was dead and buried, it turned out to be alive and kicking.
This has been such an overwhelming week, both in the natural and in the spiritual. If I could put it all into words, I would. My best guess is that I painted yet another bulls eye on my back when I stepped out in faith & obedience on Monday.
Once again, God invited me on a new adventure, which I’ve again accepted. Of course. In a way, nothing has changed and yet, deep in my soul I feel everything is different. I understand that I cannot afford any distractions, much less the past.
Any door God closed, any person, place or thing that He removed from my hands, needs to stay gone. I trust that… but sometimes, we allow things to grow, or to fester, and by the time we see God’s truth, it is too late to hit the breaks or course correct, there is no way around that storm but to pray and navigate your way through it.
I understand that now. I just don’t really know where that leaves me.
I have always held the believe that it is better, for me, to be alone than in the wrong company. No matter what the world says, there is a right kind of people to surround yourself with, and there are people who are just wrong.
I do not mean that there is anything wrong with a person, though toxic people exist everywhere, but that sometimes the people we love most can cause us the most damage. Sometimes the one we didn’t see coming leaves the most damage in their wake.
Choices and circumstances, our own and that of others, can lead us down dark tunnels.
I have been transparent with The Lord in regard to my struggles with people because God sees all and any attempt to lie to Him is just plain pointless.
I don’t know much, but I know that God is faithful and He will teach me to navigate the waters that threaten to drown me. He will keep me from drowning.
Anything that chokes back the growth that is necessary, must be uprooted. I can’t expect to quickly overcome something that I took years to nurture a love for, unhealthy as it may be, but I also won’t pretend to have much grace for myself in these moments of weakness. To find myself wanting to look back to things that have already been removed from my life is not only disobedient but counterproductive to the life where Jesus Christ is leading me to.
I must hold myself accountable.
I must make the time for what He calls me to and ignore the things that aim to distract me from that, to get me to rob me from myself what God has for me.
I know better. I have no excuse for it. I have no desire for it, and yet… it plagues me when I least need it to… but God.
God.
“On behalf of such a man [and his experiences] I will boast; but in my own behalf I will not boast, except in regard to my weaknesses. If I wish to boast, I will not be foolish, because I will be speaking the truth. But I abstain [from it], so that no one will credit me with more than [is justified by what] he sees in me or hears from me. Because of the surpassing greatness and extraordinary nature of the revelations [which I received from God], for this reason, to keep me from thinking of myself as important, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan, to torment and harass me—to keep me from exalting myself! [Job 2:6] Concerning this I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might leave me; but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me. So I am well pleased with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, and with difficulties, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak [in human strength], then I am strong [truly able, truly powerful, truly drawing from God’s strength].” 2 Corinthians 12:5-10 AMP
Sunrise or sunset, or any time in between, I can count on something beautiful, not just on the sky, from The Lord, but in our time together.
Thank You Jesus, for always being there with me, even when I’m not “there” with You because my thoughts are distracted.
Thank You for being present for every single walk, always willing and able to spend that time with me, to talk to me, to teach me, to correct me, to inspire me or just walk silently with me.
It cannot be overstated, that I honestly don’t know where I would be without You to save me from myself.
The more I learn and see, the more in awe of you, I am.
The magnitude of who You are is not lost on me, nor the privilege of knowing that, despite You being The God who created Heaven & Earth, You care enough about me to take care of the smallest of details for me.
You have taught me to invite you along and include you in my every-waking moment, and I find that everything is better in my life because I have chosen to center all things around you.
We truly do have the exact relationships we wish to have, and while there are moments in which I would absolutely change some of the relationships and even the people, who surround me in this season, I would never trade You for anything or anyone else.
Thank You for teaching me how to do this, how to walk by the hand with You, as Your beloved child, every hour of every day.
I do not wish to have any standing appointments that takes priority over You, in my life.
There is no interest, no hobby, no form of entertainment that can or should come before You in my life.
Thank You for teaching me that, and breaking me off all of those things that distracted me and kept me from You.
I have never experienced this type of relationship.
I could not have even dreamed this could be possible.
I believed You to be distant.
I believed You to be cold and uncaring.
I believed You to be too busy for the big things in my life, and nonexistent for the small things.
I believed that I was destined to walk this painful life alone, just struggling until my dying day, but You are none of those things, and that was never Your plan.
I was just rejecting You.
I believed things of my own creation, I had inherited fears that did not belong to me.
I needed to make the time, and put the effort to get to know You, for You, not who everyone else, who also did not know You, said You were.
This time together has been unlike any experience I’ve ever had before, nor could I put into words what a humbling privilege is to be able to draw closer, and grow my roots deeper into You.
I am so incredibly thankful for all that You are, all that You do, all that You give, all that You and only You make possible.
I’m thankful for these lessons on the importance of You above all else in my life.
You have been so faithful, so present Jesus. I never in my life want to sabotage my walk with You nor do I ever want to go back to who I was.
Thank You for taking the time to guide me down this painful yet liberating road in which You are all I need. I have been stripped of all the priorities that were not priorities at all.
How can something that doesn’t bring me closer to You be more important than You?
Nothing is more important than You.
No.
There’s no going back, and I am eternally grateful to You for Your steady presence every day. For You, Jesus, Your blood, Your love, have me this possible.
In the light of day, a path among the trees is an invitation to a peaceful walk with The Lord.
I normally use it as a time to walk the dogs and worship Jesus. These walks have provided countless hours of uninterrupted conversations with God. Countless lessons on pain, forgiveness, healing, repentance, grace, understanding and so much more.
There was a time when I honestly had very conflicting feelings about these walks. I didn’t look forward to them, did not see them as a privilege, or look upon them with gratitude. I saw them as a chore, which I believed for far too long, was something to resent for taking up my time. They are not, but that’s a topic for another day.
Looking back, there are days where I wonder where I might be today, if I had made the most of these walks long before now, but I know I can’t live in the past, just learn from it. All I can do is go forth with more effort to make the most out of every day in which I am here, surrounded by nature and trails.
With that in mind, I’ve been purposely setting out every day that the weather allows, and sometimes when it doesn’t. I have found that nothing is necessarily good or bad, just different.
I love exploring with the Jacks in the warmth of the sun, but there’s a different type of peace to be found in rain, almost a cleansing one.
Where I have found to struggle, was when The Lord invited me to walk and worship in the cover of darkness.
At 5 in the morning, when the sun is nowhere to be found, the moon is hidden by a cover of clouds and most of the street lights don’t work, those same peaceful paths, the ones that are incredibly full of The Lord’s presence as we walk together in the daytime, suddenly feel sinister.
God had not changed.
God was not missing from my life in that moment of darkness, it’s just that my trust is misplaced because I’m relying on the light of the sun and what my eyes can see to keep me safe, because we are constantly told that terrible things lurk in the cover of darkness, and they do.
The only thing I was trained on, as a child, was fear. Most of us are taught how to fear. Not the fear of The Lord, no. Fear of a world that cannot touch us, not unless God allows.
“For we live believing and not by seeing.” 2 Corinthians 5:7 NLT
It’s Biblical Scripture. I didn’t make it up, but neither do I fully understand it. I have so much to learn, and even more gratitude to The God who created all things, for taking the time to teach me all of these things.
In case you are wondering, no. I didn’t venture past the street corner and onto the path that morning, I let fear (or what many of you would call common sense) stop me from going past my comfort zone.
I’m not ashamed to say I turned around and hightailed it home. There was not a person or animal insight, not even the wind stirred. There was God, me and my Jacks, but every instinct in me was desperate to run for the safety of home, knowing full well it’s nothing more than an illusion. I am safe in God’s hands no matter where my feet stand, but home I went nonetheless.
In the days since that dark Tuesday morning, I’ve spent a lot of time seeking His wisdom, and coming to the understanding that as all things are preparation for what is to come, whatever that looks like, so are these walks. God is using everything in my life right now, as a means to teach, heal and prepare.
I have been discovering the depths of ‘walking by faith’, but there are always deeper levels to things that we are sometimes not capable of comprehending at first glance.
For my entire life, I have relied on my sight, and my gifts, to navigate the many different walks of life. In truth The Holy Spirit was saving me from myself, long before I knew He was but, even knowing that now, stepping out into the pitch dark road, trusting that God wouldn’t call me out there to hurt me but to grow me, that’s a different type of faith.
That’s a new level of “up a mountain and off a cliff with You, Jesus.”
I could not begin to tell you why it seems as though we are right back in this place, in the natural. I could not tell you why I had any type of expectation of what any of this would look like, when the day finally came. I guess it’s just human nature to try and fill in the blanks of the unknown parts of life. What I can tell you is that I am as blind in the natural as I am in the spiritual, at this very moment.
I do not know why all of these things are happening, some things, some people, I thought were long put to rest but, shows how much I know, which is nothing. God knows all things.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to make of any of it or how to proceed, I really don’t, but I really don’t need to, I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus.
One day at a time, one moment at a time, with no plans of my own, no chains of expectations, nothing but the promise that You know all things. We are here because You choose to allow it, Lord, and You will lead us every step of the way ahead.
As I look back, at all we have faced together, over the last 12 months, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that, You have never once left my side. The year has been difficult, the losses many, the pain more than I thought myself capable of bearing without losing my sanity, but You, Jesus.
I am thankful Father, for You have taught me to praise in the midst of my pain, to pray in the face of my fears.
The things that were meant to break me, brought me closer to You, and knowing You, has brought me to a new level of faith, dedication, commitment and yes, even trust in You, that allows me to find comfort and peace in not knowing what tomorrow holds, in not having all of the answers to all of the questions that try to plague my head.
In the natural, I may never venture out into the dark path but, in the spiritual, I will not let the fear and the pain hinder me from walking with You, Lord.
It is not lost on me, in the slightest, that one Saturday I received so much wisdom on faith, purpose, trust, relationships and parenting and on the following Saturday all of those lessons had been put to the test. Your timing, as always, is perfect and You gave me just enough to navigate ahead, but always needing to seek You further, for I am not meant to do things without You, and quite frankly, I long ago stopped wanting to.
I admit that at the time, I fell on my face in the most ungracious of ways, but by Your mercy and grace, I got up and recovered my senses and stepped out into the dark and winding road.
I have never felt more blind, never more cut off, but I know You have not left me. I see and feel you in very many different ways. I know that You are fighting my battles, and all I am required to do is praise You through it all, Lord.
You call it my victory, but I take credit for none of it.
Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me, O God of my salvation! Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. (Psalms 27:7-14 NLT)
The Lord is king! Let the earth rejoice! Let the farthest coastlands be glad. Dark clouds surround him. Righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. Fire spreads ahead of him and burns up all his foes. His lightning flashes out across the world. The earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. The heavens proclaim his righteousness; every nation sees his glory. Those who worship idols are disgraced— all who brag about their worthless gods— for every god must bow to him. Jerusalem has heard and rejoiced, and all the towns of Judah are glad because of your justice, O Lord! For you, O Lord, are supreme over all the earth; you are exalted far above all gods. You who love the Lord, hate evil! He protects the lives of his godly people and rescues them from the power of the wicked. Light shines on the godly, and joy on those whose hearts are right. May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord and praise his holy name! (Psalms 97:1-12 NLT)
I pray you guide us in the days and weeks ahead because, I am flying blind here.
Every day I feel my legs cut out from under me, in someway or another, yet somehow, you prevail.
When I trip, you hold me steady.
When I fall, you pick me back up.
I have no answers, but you do.
I see no pictures, but you know, Lord.
You know it all, where I only see pieces of a much larger puzzle and the potential for disaster, you have already won the battle and the war. I just have to trust you and pray and worship my way through it.
It’s so frustrating. It was all so mishandled, Father, but none of that matters now. We are here and only you, Lord can show us the path ahead.
I want to thank you, because despite of the mess, something good come out already.
I see that we have a much larger problem, a much deeper root, but I also know how to better pray and worship my way here, for that’s what this last month has been about, no?
Preparation.
Preparing me. Teaching me.
You told me, Lord. You did, but once again I filled in the blanks the way I wanted to. I put my own expectations on the circumstances and I couldn’t tell you how or why but as we are here now, I see no sense in trying to do anything but figure out the road ahead with you in the lead. We’ve all made enough of a mess leading up to this.
How do you want us to go from here?
If I cannot serve you as you command, at home, I am no good to you anywhere.
Today has been a long, draining and emotional day.
My heart hurts. My head hurts, and I am at a loss…
Tomorrow is in You hands. You know what I do not. In every way.
Tomorrow, if you so allow me Lord, I will live to fight another day, but today, I’m going to bed.
“As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.” Micah 7:7-8 NLT
Did I need Him to send me a preacher all the way from Mexico to confirm to me what He has been saying for so long now? I wouldn’t think so, but clearly, God did because He did just that.
Once again, I was reminded that God is a personal God, and our relationship is one of a kind. The plans He has for me are not exact to His plans for anyone else.
Sure, there may be similarities, after all, we all experience life and so we all know pain, suffering, loss, fear, illness and death, and yes, there are many good things we experience as well but, I personally had to learn to look to God in all situations for direction because these are His plans, only He knows them.
If I have learned anything at all over the course of the last year, is that nothing I entrust to God’s capable hands is ever lost, and still I struggle to obey instantly, in some areas I like to be difficult and procrastinate. No excuses for it, just bad habits that have yet to die.
For some time now, too long really, I have felt God lead me in a direction that no one else seems to be going in, particularly in this economy, but the point that Jesus has been driving into me for so many years now, the point I struggled to accept and understand, even now after all we have been through together, is that He is my provider and I do not need to hold on to the money, on the contrary, I need to let it go.
You see, I thought that the road that lead us here was meant to teach me certain things, because I was looking at it still with wordly eyes, but now I realize that they were really teaching me something else entirely:
God is not looking at my material possessions, my education, my career [or lack thereof] the contents of my bank account or much of anything else, really.
I know this. I have known this for sometime.
God wants my heart. All of it.
God wants my obedience.
Trust. Obey. Follow.
Today, I got to hear the testimony of a family who, in obedience to God Almighty, opened a church in Mexico, in 2020. At the height of the pandemic, when most people weren’t congregating with family, much less anyone else, and here they are on the verge of celebrating their 4th anniversary.
When so many places, not just churches, closed their doors never to open again, these people stepped out and opened their doors for the very first time and have thrived, against all odds, I am sure. I know for a fact that the road for them, has not been without pain and opposition. I’m sure they could never convey all of the details of the last 4 yrs. When we step out boldly in faith and obedience, opposition comes. It never fails.
The enemy’s way is so basic and simple that we have become not just tolerant but dismissive of his cunning. We have a very real enemy, but we also have a very real, very powerful God. We must choose wisely where we place our trust.
I really don’t have to try very hard to imagine what people must have said about the “wisdom” of opening a church when most of the world was shut down, because I know what I would’ve told them had they told me, then, what they had been told by The Lord to do. It would’ve been right along the same lines of what I told Michael everytime he told me what God was calling him to do.
“That’s insanity. Does God not see, clearly, what is going on here?”
I have since learned that, the one who does not see clearly what is going on, is me.
I am clueless by comparison to He who created the heavens and the earth. He knows all things. He goes before me. He clears my way. He provides under impossible situations, making connections only He can.
Obedience costs, but it also pays, we just can’t obey solely for the reward. For me, personally, I find that nothing I ever lost or gained has ever truly come close to Him. To His love, His presence, His joy.
Last April I found myself incredibly angry, frustrated and even resentful of where God has brought us after weeks of homelessness and yet, it is here in this place, under these pressures and with these people, where Michael and I are learning the complicated dance of marriage, after so many years of marital strife. I don’t know why it had to be this way, but I am so thankful that we are here, and I understand that I do not need to know all things, I just need to trust Him who knows all things.
Yes, stepping out in faith seems crazy, yet God’s unconventional ways, have already brought me to places, both physically and spiritually that I had deemed impossible not so long ago, and so now I am left with this question:
‘This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord . “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” Jeremiah 29:10-14
