God does not meet my timeline, perspective or expectations.
God exists outside of them. He prepares me for His plans, He does not bend to mine. He is not a God of strings, games or manipulation. He is literal. He says what He means, and He keeps His promises.
I know this.
God is not the problem, I am.
Even when I know better, I don’t.
My humanness gets the better of me. Some things are so hard ingrained into me, that they are hard to unlearn, but what I have learned is, that absolute trust & obedience, is paramount.
Patience is too.
I am constantly having to redirect myself back to what I know and not what I see, think or feel in the moment.
I am constantly reminding myself that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows where my weaknesses lay, the places the enemy can exploit to keep a hold of me, to twist God’s truth so that I can make excuses as to why I must hold onto my idols.
God knows, not just what I need to be broken off from, and where the pride hides, but also how to break me off it, in the most beneficial and permanent way.
It is a slow, complicated and painful process, it has to be. He untangles the weeds of lies and bad habits that have grown for decades among the wheat of His truth and purpose, with a patient and a gentle hand.
God is the ultimate gardener. He is the ultimate Father, and the ultimate Friend. God is faithful. He keeps His promises. He has plans for my family, and He will prepare us to serve Him the way He knows we need, in the way He knows will serve His greater purpose and in the way He knows is best for us, not the way I want Him to.
I am both humbled, and grateful, though I don’t always act like it, and I hate to imagine the mess I could make out of things, if left to my own devices.
This has been such a hard road, not because of anything God has allowed or done, thought there has been plenty of difficulties there too, but because I simply cannot let go of my timing and my expectations.
It’s hard because even as I fully comprehend that, complete surrender to His will is what is best, I still want things to be the way I want them. I resent the process because it has not met my expectations or approval, but He does not need it to, and the fact that I can both know this and still feel entitled to have it on my terms, prove that God is right to make me wait.
My heart is not yet ready for how He intends to use me.
I am not ready yet.
Even now, God has answered 2 prayers with 1 blessing & I chafed under the circumstances not meeting my expectations of how God would answer, and I can’t think of any reason for why I expected things to be a certain way, or why I would be upset that my answers came in a different manner. I don’t even know what is it that I seem to be opposed to. There is not a thing I can point out to and say “this is the problem here.”
None.
I now understand why for so many years, Michael would say “there is no making you happy.”
He was not being rude, offensive or even critical. The man was stating a fact. Someway, somehow, I find something to be upset about. There is so much death to self that still needs to happen here.
As Jeremiah told the Israelites in his letter, this is home now, and I need to make myself at home. I need not sit and wait until something changes. I need to work for the good. I need to find my new normal, and continue to grow in My relationship with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I need to grow in my trust and strength, in love and service to others, until the day that God’s sees fit to move us to the next part of the adventure.
God is not here to give me the worldly experience I think I want. Nothing outside of serving Him, matters, because not my house, not my job, not my car, none of it will serve a purpose in eternity.
I am here for Him.
He is not a genie in a bottle nor a vending machine.
I don’t get to stick a prayer in and demand my outcome.
Obedience is painful, but then life is painful. I just get to chose the purpose for my pain and trust that I rest is in His hands.
When I change my perspective, however, it changes everything. When I chose to look at what I have, instead of what I lost [which admittedly I don’t mourn very often] I find much to be grateful for. When I remember that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed, food, a car, and that we all have our health, I find purpose.
My family is where they need to be for His reasons, His work, His purpose and His glory, not where I want them to be, but then there is no purpose in my wants.
I want us all to be together because I love my kids & I miss them, but I know that this particular season in life, is one we will all look back to one day and remember it as the most transformative of our lives. We will see all that God has done, all He has changed, the way He has brought us all closer together and we will Praise God for it.
But until then, I cannot, and will not, let my limited view, knowledge and wisdom, limit who God is in my life. I cannot let my feelings dictate what things should look like, nor my impatience dictate His timing.
I was promised a grand adventure, the privilege of walking closely in this life, with a faithful and ever present God. Earthly comforts were never part of the promise, nor was any type of timeline given, it is not biblical.
Jesus is the only true comfort, the only true security to be had is the one I find by having my life centered on Jesus Christ My Lord & Savior, and by always seeking the leading of His Holy Spirit. Now is the time to seek, to worship, to learn, to grow. Now is the time to remain as malleable as I can be, so that I can become the masterpiece He intended me to be, for His purpose and His glory.
Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.
Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me.
Teach me to do your will, for you are my God.
May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.
For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life.
Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.
In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for
I am your servant.
(Psalms 143:8-12 NLT)
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.
Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.
Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.
His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing.
Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.
Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.
Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing.
Then the God of peace will be with you.”
Philippians 4:6-9 NLT
“This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem:
“Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce.
Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren.
Multiply! Do not dwindle away!
And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile.
Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.”
This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says:
“Do not let your prophets and fortune-tellers who are with you in the land of Babylon trick you.
Do not listen to their dreams, because they are telling you lies in my name.
I have not sent them,” says the Lord.
This is what the Lord says:
“You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again.
For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord.
“They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
In those days when you pray, I will listen.
If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”
Jeremiah 29:4-14 NLT
Psalms 73 