I can’t wait until the day when I can look back and see the growth that came from this time of difficulties.
I can’t wait until I see all that God will accomplish through these trials and tribulations. It’s not that I can’t see His hand at work here, I do. I see His change in me, in my husband, in my oldest son. It’s just that there are days, like today, when I struggle to find the purpose in the pain, when I fail to see His hand at work.
I wish to be anywhere but here.
I do not believe one day is more special than any other, to me, every day has meaning because I am alive and that alone is a gift from God.
Time is a gift we take for granted way too often. Birthdays, Christmas, they don’t mean any more or any less than any other day to me. I can’t think of a single day in which I would have been perfectly okay with my current set of circumstances. I really can’t.
There is a brokenness in me, right now, a frustration that I am desperately trying to drown. Jesus said we had to die to ourselves, and right now, the old angry me really wants to rear her ugly head and scream, but that will change nothing. Everything is still lost. Most of my possessions are gone.
I have Jesus, my husband and my family and that is more than enough, I’m just impatient for the promises He made.
I know that God keeps His word. I know that He will provide everything He said He would when He asked us to step out in faith and serve Him, I am just really struggling right now, as I sit in my car, with my 3 yr old asleep in his car seat and my husband furiously trying to solve something for us to have a place to sleep tonight with our 4 small dogs in his car.
Nothing will get solved tonight, I know. It’s Christmas Eve, all those who owe us are celebrating with their families and if we are being quite honest, their money all sits under their Christmas tree.
I can’t complain. I have a roof. My car is more than other homeless people have and it’s keeping me safe and warm. I have food, we got to eat, which is also more than others have. It is the child that has me feeling sorry for myself. I want so much more for him than this, not because it’s Christmas Eve but because he is my child and it is my job to make sure that he is safe in his bed as he sleeps.
I write this, not with the hopes that someone will feel sorry for me and help but with the intention to one day look back and remember that in 2023 I lost my daughter for 9 days, and then she chose to move away from us, and then I lost my home, among other lesser things all in the span of a month.
I have come face to face with some of my fears and Jesus has held me together through it all. I know He will hold me together through this also.
I lived a very simple life and now it’s all mostly gone.
My 3 yrs old, who has had a very difficult time adjusting to his sister moving away, has taken to homelessness like it’s one big adventure, which in a way, I guess it is, and I am jealous that despite my faith in Christ, I struggle to see it the way my child does. His trust in us is such, that no matter where we sleep at night, he is happy and feels safe because he is with us.
Should we not all be just like that with God?
Yes, we should and I really really want to and through most of this year, I have but today as I sit in my car, in the dark in a park, I wonder why God has made this process so long and so painful yet I am thankful that I have faced so many of my fears and come out stronger for them in the end.
One day, I will be stronger and more compassionate for this time on the street, I know I will, I just can’t quite see it today.
Life is hard and painful. Life with Jesus Christ at my side is worth living, no matter how much it hurts or how it shatters my heart.
Jesus is Lord even when I am on the streets and through my tears and my momentary anger and pain, I will praise Him just the same as I would any other day.
Jesus has not abandoned me. I know it so deep in my soul that no amount of writing can ever explain it. None. He is very much here, very much working in me and fighting for me. I just have to hold on to my faith and His promise.
I am human. I am weak. I am allowed to feel every bit of anger and frustration, I am allowed to mourn the place that was my home for 9 yrs. What I am not about to do is let those emotions make me forget who God is and what He has already done for me, nor will I let the fear and uncertainty of my circumstances shake my faith.
I will just take everything I feel back to Him who comforts me, He will see me through, as He always does.
God is faithful. He is worthy of it all. He has not forsaken me and He never will. My circumstances are as temporary as this life we live, I must cling to Him tighter than I cling to anything else for He is truly all I need. He is the only one who can truly rescue me from this place of darkness & sadness.
There will be a day when all of this will make sense, until then, I will praise Him from the highest mountain and the lowest valley, no matter how I feel about it or how much it hurts.
Jesus is worthy of my all.
”My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. Your instructions are more valuable to me than millions in gold and silver. You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands. May all who fear you find in me a cause for joy, for I have put my hope in your word. I know, O Lord, that your regulations are fair; you disciplined me because I needed it. Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant. Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, for your instructions are my delight.“
Psalms 119:71-77 NLT
Psalms 73 