I do not live the life I thought I wanted but I do live a life I really enjoy.
It’s different and difficult. In some aspects it lacks the structure I’m used to, but then the structure of God is rather different than that of the world.
All things with God are.
I miss having a schedule, I miss getting up at 4 in the morning to spent time with Jesus in the privacy of the closet before I set off to work, I miss silence… but what I have is better, and Jesus is available 24/7, silence not so much.
I love our impromptu days at the park or the library. The opportunities that come up that we would otherwise miss out on if we lived the life I thought I wanted because I’d be at work and my child would be at school, like other children his age. Honestly, I can’t even imagine him in a classroom, he’d be so bored, and I’d miss out on the countless stories, drawing and discoveries he makes through out the day.
I love watching him grow in his relationship with Jesus, he already knows his Bible better than I do. I love listening to his prayers, children have such a pure heart and Jesus called us to be childlike in our walk with Him… who best to learn childlike trust from than a child?
There are so many things I wish were different or rather easier. Some days I wish the business was busier, thought I am thankful for our small beginning. I know it’s only programming on my part. It’s strange sometimes to find that all I was taught was wrong, even though it’s in the scriptures. We (society) have such a pessimistic view of life, we are never happy, we want things to be better, easier, comfortable. We are prone to ingratitude and complaints. We stress about things that are weeks if not months away. Always looking for the next experience, adventure or acquisition.
We take so much for granted. Too much.
Life did not make sense to me then, but life makes sense now.
The complete and utter alteration my life underwent with Jesus at the helm, as a project manager of sorts, has not been without difficulty or pain, but His ways make sense, and bring me peace.
I was created with a plan and a purpose, with gifts and dreams, that are all rooted in who Jesus made to be. He literally gave me the desires of my heart when He created me, which have nothing to do with what the world has taught me, and He never once expected me to go through life on my own figuring out what “I want to be when I grow up.” As I discover who He is and who He made me to be, I find that God is not the author of chaos and confusion, it’s the world that has misled me about everything, and a lot of times, most of the time, really, we don’t know because we have not asked Him.
In Him, all of my questions have answers, all of my pain has a purpose, so much of it was self inflected, because I was trying to figure out life rather than seeking Him, His kingdom, His righteousness.
I am thankful to Jesus Christ for His patience, mercy and grace, for the gift of time to turn my life around rather than allowing me to perish forever when He should have. I’m thankful for a 2nd chance at life, at marriage, at parenting, to learn His way in all things and live a life that is worthy of His mercy and grace.
Perfect I am not, and I will never be, but I can choose to be a person who seeks the will, the wisdom, of God over her life and her family in all aspects, who has gratitude to Him in all things and for all things, and who would rather be “missing out” on a life that is filled with stress and anxiety trying to keep up with the demands of an ever changing world, because in Jesus I have all I need, spiritually, physically and mentally. One day at a time.
The more I know God, the more I understand the intricacies of His design, and I find there is comfort in His purpose.
No, I am not living the life I thought I wanted, and for the life of me, I can’t understand why I ever wanted it at all… but I can never thank Him enough for all He has done for me today, and over the years, as He has been teaching me, breaking me, molding me, and for our time together, for our strange way of life, for the neighbors He has surrounded us with, for the peace and simplicity of the life that He has called us to, together, heavy as it may be at times, He always carries the load, anyway.
Maybe this will always be our life, maybe it won’t, I do not know and it does not matter. God knows what tomorrow holds and today, I simply chose to cherish, with praise and gratitude to my Lord Jesus Christ.
“There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.”
Proverbs 14:12 NLT
“And yet, “Better to have one handful with quietness than two handfuls with hard work and chasing the wind.””
Ecclesiastes 4:6 NLT
“Everything has already been decided. It was known long ago what each person would be. So there’s no use arguing with God about your destiny.”
Ecclesiastes 6:10 NLT