The anxiety that the unknown produces is always worse than the event itself. Once things have happened, they never seem quite as bad as I thought they would be.
The things I feared have begun to take place, and while I will admit that I’m fragile, in ways I had not even realized, I know that God is working here.
In what I can’t see.
In what I don’t understand.
In the midst of the waiting, that makes me sick to my stomach.
In the resentment that tries to rise from this uncomfortable season.
I know God is working.
Little by little, I realize that I am more afraid of myself, afraid of my reactions, that come from places of worldly needs & satisfactions, than I am of the road ahead.
I’m not trustworthy.
I buckle under the weight of it all.
I have placed my safety in the tangible things of the world.
God has provided, consistently, for all my needs, except for the one thing I want most.
My security blanket, does not come above God.
I thank my God Almighty, who allows me the beautiful privilege to come to Him in this time of pain and confusion.
I thank Him for not turning away from me, when I am so undeserving.
I thank Him for His love, for His patience, for His Faithfulness.
I thank Him for His encouragement.
This has not been an easy transition for me.
There are so many moments of entitlement, selfishness and fear.
I do not handle the hardships with grace.
I most definitely do not handle His people with grace.
There are days, where I have to force myself to pray, worship or read my Bible. Days I drag myself to church, and then hate myself for having to force myself into doing something that I should want to do.
Always. In every situation.
I should want to come to Him.
I have even less grace for myself than I have for others because I know that I should know better than this, be better than this, do better than this.
Some time ago, I made a choice. I chose Jesus.
His will in my life, above all else.
My life for His glory.
These are not words I say lightly. I know too well the possibilities for pain and suffering are endless, horrors that my mind has not even considered yet, but I feel it in my heart, in my mind, in my soul.
Everything within me wants to reject this path, but here is where I have found everything I never knew I needed.
I decided this would be the hill I would die on, and so here we are, once again facing the same giants, and my instinct to run wants to take over, but I have nowhere to go. Nothing to fight with.
This hurts.
I see an “easier” road that I could take, but easy in the eyes of the world does not honor God’s will and purpose for my life.
Who am I to tell Him there’s a “better” route? Better by whom’s standards?
This is a difficult road but every bump along the way has made us all that much closer to God, and to each other.
For that alone, I know that all of this is worth it.
There is no joy without pain.
There is no joy without faith.
There is no joy without Him.
“The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need. He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams. He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name. Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalms 23:1-6 NLT
Psalms 73 