Speak

The hardest thing for me has been separating who God truly is from my own views, ideas and expectations. Recognizing and accepting that God does not operate within my comfort zone.

I keep telling myself “surely God wouldn’t….”

Yes! He really would.

And He did.
And He has.
And I haven’t.
And the ‘justifications’ for my disobediences, are just that, excuses.

My comfort zone truly is nothing more than my jail cell, I know this.
I just can’t seem to find the will or the strength, I’m not sure which, to get up and step out. I succumb to the paralyzing fear. I know the gate is open, and the shackles are broken, and they have been for some time now, but I’m lulled, in a false sense of security, because despite it all, I am comfortable here. “Here” I know. I understand what is expected, and I navigate the waters somewhat well. Nobody is perfect.

However, I feel it in my soul, this is not the time for “good enough” or “close enough.”
I long to know God better than I know my face in the mirror, and in order to achieve that level of intimacy, I must be willing to step out into the unknown with just His word.

This walk is not a walk of comfort but one where we find His comfort within the uncomfortable. Safety and security in the chaos of the world, not the absence of the chaos. The unshakable confidence that I am safe in His arms, always, as I step out into the dark and unknown road.

I am my own biggest hurdle.

I know that God never does the expected, that is part of the reason it’s so important to truly get to know Him, to know His voice without a shadow of a doubt, but even that will only gets me so far.

I couldn’t tell you why I thought every door God would open would look safe and inviting, and would make perfect sense to me, I know better than that by now but I still seem to want to control and micromanage.

I keep expecting The Almighty God fit into my box.
I keep expecting His ways to make sense to me, though I know better.
I keep assuming that He will fall within the confines of my understanding and expectations, but He never does and He never will.
God is not a God that can be limited.

God has called us to a life of service, and as Jesus demonstrated, we are His servant to all in need, all who are searching for Him, not just the ones we think we should reach out to.
I am to love, encourage and even forgive those He places along our way.
I am to tell the world about Him every chance I get.
There is no reward without risk.

Jesus is the reward. Jesus is worth the risk.

Our relationship only strengthens in the fire. God is faithful. I fall more and more in love with Jesus. He is an incredible experience, that I hope to see everyone seek for themselves, so I should never miss an opportunity to show His love to those He has entrusted to me.

Those moments of anxiety come with rather gruesome images. In the last 8 months, I’ve seen myself shot in the head, 2x. Stabbed in the kidney. Ran over by a car. Raped & strangled. The list goes on and on. I know the images are not real and have no power over me except that which I give them, and right now they keep me trapped in an illusion of security that does not exist because my only security is found in God. The Creator of Heaven and Earth.

I know His voice. It’s been an integral part of my life for as long as I can remember, but I just don’t trust me.
My fear of making a mistake, of saying or doing the wrong thing, keeps me frozen in place. In some areas of my life, I trust Him implicitly. In others, I can’t seem to stay out of His way, when He keeps telling me to Be Still. To Wait Upon The Lord. To Testify. To Trust With All My Heart.
What is it going to take? What more do I need?

God has a plan and a purpose for us all. Every one of us is important to Him. He leaves the 99 to look for His one lost sheep. Isn’t it our responsibility to speak up and help the lost sheep home?
When you find yourself in a position where you recognize the pain, the emptiness in someone you claim to love, how do you not speak up? How do you say “I know they need to find God but it doesn’t have to be me who helps them.” Or “I’ll pray for them.”?

‘Samuel did not yet know the Lord because he had
never had a message from the Lord before.
So the Lord called a third time, and once more
Samuel got up and went to Eli. “Here I am. Did you call me?”
Then Eli realized it was the Lord who was calling the boy.
So he said to Samuel, “Go and lie down again, and if someone calls again,
say, ‘Speak, Lord , your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went back to bed.
And the Lord came and called as before, “Samuel! Samuel!”
And Samuel replied, “Speak, your servant is listening.”