Conflicted

How is it completely possible to see Your hand at work, God, to experience You in a way that I never thought possible, to feel Joy in Your presence and be thankful for Your provisions and still feel compelled by the road I know will lead to misery, heartbreak and pain?
There are moments where I wonder where my self control is, and then I realize that I never had any, which is why I never put myself in situations.

I sit here singing about being led back home by my Father, while simultaneously mourning the loss of what will never be, and it feels hypocritical. I make no sense.
I know that Your plans are bigger and better, God, than anything I could ever conjure up in my head, and for that I am incredibly grateful, abundantly so, but that does not mean I don’t feel, at times, like a part of my heart is dying over the loss of something that never belonged to me.

There is so much love, deep in my heart, for the things, places and people, who hinder my growth. I can’t for the life of me, explain why it hurts to let go of the idea of something, even when I know that it is not beneficial to hold on to any of it.
I want the life that You created me to live, God, the life Jesus died for me to have, with You and for You, but my heart mourns over the loss of other things, that should not matter. I am not referring to the material things in life, I am not afraid to lose those. I know Who is in control of the day to day details of my life, the material things are all replaceable. It just hurts to give up on something I wanted for so long, especially when it feels like it is finally within reach. But it’s not.
It was just not in Your plans for my life, God, and I can’t keep attempting to force it in.

Thank You Jesus, for you make the pain bearable. In love and in grace, You hold me up, The Strength in my weakness.
I would not change a single second of my life. Through the dark days You have been faithful, always present and encouraging me with gentleness and love. Over and over You have shown yourself true to your word. Thank You!

How is it so hard to let go of what hinders the growth I so desperately seek?

I don’t know how I got here. It’s as though I was sleepwalking, and now I don’t know how to find my way out. I don’t know how to surrender this to You, but I know that I need to. I need to hold myself accountable, exercise self-control, let go and never look back.

Will my heart ever feel whole again, Lord?

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but I do know that in due time You will heal and restore my heart. I know that the pain I feel now will serve to glorify Your name in my life and strengthen my trust in You.
I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I do know that as long as I draw breath, Jesus, You will be at my side, holding my hand in the darkness and pain. I know that You will go before me, clearing the path ahead.
I know that You will be behind me, keeping me safe.
I have never felt so conflicted in my life, but I know that I am not to trust my feelings, You taught me that.

Everything I have, Lord, You gave me. All a blessing You chose to bestow upon me, all part of Your provisions, Your way of giving me all that I needed when I needed it, Father, but never mine to keep.
You are all I need, Lord and You are more than enough.
Thank You, Jesus!
I never want to take our relationship for granted, Lord.

I repent for ever putting more value in the provisions than The Provider.

‘He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave.
The Lord gave me what I had, and the Lord has taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord !” -Job 1:21 NLT