Shaken

I feel like I am free falling.

Everything is spinning, out of control.

I can do nothing to stop it. Or me.

I get easily angry over things long past, things I thought I had overcome.
I feel bitterness over the perceived losses.
Nothing makes sense and I look around, trying to get my bearings but nothing looks familiar, and there is no one else. It’s as though I am no longer in my current stretch of wilderness, as though I have traveled back in time, to another person, another life.

Holy Spirit tried to warn me, for weeks, but I got complacent. Once all the pieces started to fall, nothing seemed to be able to stop it. It took so little to set me down this downward spiral.
I don’t know where I am, or who I am at the moment.

I know my identity is tied to Christ, alone. His opinion of me is all that should matter, my obedience to His word, above all the thoughts and opinions of the world. I know what it looks like, but I also know what He said, so I should not be shaken by what it looks like, and most days I am not.

God is faithful. He is active, loving, present and at this time, teaching me a variety of hard lessons, such as, He is more than enough in every situation, to fully die to myself and how to navigate the boundaries of service and unconditional love for my fellow man, for whom I have no love nor patience.
None of this is in my nature, but it is what God is asking of me.

Jesus Christ, the sinless son of God, died on the cross for my sins, which are many. He has invited me to walk down a dark and barren road with nothing but Him as my guide, my teacher, my shelter and my provider.
It truly should be the easiest decision of my life, and in many ways it is, but there are days when I really struggle to remain steadfast. I feel it in my heart. I was made to live for Him, and for Him I shall die. One day.

But today, the question before me is much simpler:

What do I hold above God?

And the answer to that should be nothing, but it’s not.

Abraham very nearly killed his own son, whom God had promised Him and for whom he had waited 25 yrs, in obedience to God, because he trusted God would bring Isaac back. God is not asking anything as extreme as death of me, yet. On the contrary, by comparison, God is asking very little of me, and yet I act like a petulant child, holding on when I need to let go.

I have seen God do the impossible in my life.
I will see God do the impossible again, of that I have no doubt. And yet, in the waiting I get discouraged, in the breaking I feel defeated, and I allow fear a hold on me. The stumbles makes me angry with myself, because I have seen enough of God’s tender mercies and His faithfulness to know better and yet I don’t.

There are days, where I resemble a feral kitten.
The problems seem insurmountable and I lash out, for a myriad of reasons, accomplishing nothing but looking ridiculous. Out of fear. Of what, exactly, I could not tell you.
I know God is in control and I always knew that our road would lead here, to this place of complete dependence on He who created me to love and serve His people, and still, I resist it. I shouldn’t but I do. I think I have been running for so long, that I am just not sure how to stop.

Yes, this last week was difficult, and I did not handle it with grace but I have become more aware of my shortcoming and my weaknesses. I have become aware of new areas that I need to surrender to Him, once and for all. Doors that need to be closed, things within me that need to die, so that I can better resemble Christ.

I have so much to be thankful for, He has done incredible things over this last year alone, yet at times, I fail to do so.
I let the mountain shake me.

In Matthew 17:20 Jesus tells the disciples that if they have faith the size of a mustard seed, they can command a mountain to move and it will obey, but even if my mountain fails to move, for whatever reason, I still need to keep my eyes on Jesus and trust His process, and praise Him through it all. Remaining in Him removes the mountain from view, it does not remove it from existence, I will still have to climb it in order to get to the next destination in our voyage, but the conditions of the climb will not be as extreme because I have The Holy Trinity by my side.

What more could I possibly want?

Nothing. That is what.
I want nothing. I need nothing.
I fail to remember that at times, and I never want to forget all that God has done for me. I never want to forget how far we have come in our walk. I no longer want to get stuck in the past, reacting to my circumstances from a place of hurt, anger and entitlement.

I desperately need to get off this hamster wheel. I wish I could say that this will be a turning point for me, and that I will never find myself feeling defeated or discouraged again, but these ups and downs are also part of the process, for which I am grateful, because He teaches me so much as a result.
I must never allow myself to forget God’s faithfulness, or that He never promised me this would be easy, just that He would never forsake me.

When all else fails, God will never fail me.

‘No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life.
As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Be strong and courageous,
because you will lead these people to inherit the land
I swore to their ancestors to give them.
“Be strong and very courageous.
Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you;
do not turn from it to the right or to the left,
that you may be successful wherever you go. ‘ Joshua 1:5-7 NLT

‘My son, do not forget my teaching, but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years and bring you peace and prosperity.
Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. ‘
Proverbs 3:1-6 NLT