After spending the better part of a week in the presence of Jesus, I can honestly tell you, I was not ready to leave the house and join the real world.

Also, I got a lot of clarity.

Wisdom came unexpectedly, providing answers to questions I did not know I had while leaving me entirely in the dark about what I thought I was asking. Or maybe it answered those questions too, in a roundabout way. I really could not tell you, yet. I’m still sifting through a lot of information.

To me, the power of Jesus Christ is unquestionable. I don’t doubt He can do the impossible, I have seen that. And yet…

It truly took me by surprise to find I’ve been wrong in all that I thought I knew about life and having a relationship with Jesus. I find it a little disconcerting that my “problem-solving” nature doesn’t align with God’s word. God says surrender, come to me. I have a habit of throwing myself at a problem, instead of throwing the problem at Him, and I tend to focus, like a dog with a bone, on the road I might have taken, the obvious solutions I could have grasped at, had He not asked me to wait.

Even now after all I have seen Him do, especially in the last 5 yrs, I tend to limit His power.
“Yes, but…”
It’s a habit I intend to break.

When I stepped out in search for Him last week, I set out with no expectations. I had a lot of questions floating in my mind, and a lot of mixed feelings, but my main goal was take advantage of the time off and spend more of that free time with The Lord. I asked for clarity but in a way I made it clear which answers I was hoping for, thought I could not tell you exactly what motivated those preferences, it no longer makes a difference, God closed the door and said wait.
And I could sit here and choose to cave to the feelings I have, now that things didn’t go the way I had hoped. The temptation to throw myself a pity party is there and I could complain but I know that it does not solve anything.
So I choose to be thankful that God, the creator of the universe, chooses to reveal anything to me, at all, and takes the time to make plans for me.

I chose to be thankful. I choose joy.

Disappointment tries to take over my heart and mind, I am human. I’m not immune to feelings. I have not achieved perfection, nor will I ever. But there is also a feeling of excitement beneath it all. God is working here, in me, I can feel it, and whatever comes next, unknown as it is, I am excited for it.
I admit, life is hard and I can’t stand on my own. I don’t deny that for all things I come to Jesus.

Broken. Shaken. Numb.

These days, I spend most of my day crying out to Him, asking for wisdom and understanding, praying, and thanking Him for helping me put one foot in front of the other, each and every day. Each day, I come home amazed and thankful for how seamlessly my day goes by when I chose to follow Him.

And still I struggle. Every day I struggle.
The grim reality of our current storm is not lost on me, it just does not have the power over me that it once did. Yes, the enemy tries to shake me and often, I stumble. But I also feel His peace, His presence here telling me that He is in control. I just need to trust. And I do.
This is not the road I would have chosen for us, but then what is there to be learned from a life of ease and safety?
I have a million stories, me jumping into action to find a way, to make it happens regardless of the fact that Jesus close the door on my face, I still try to find my way. And despite all of my kicking and screaming, once I arrive at His destination, I am mind-blown by what we had for me and where he was leading while I fought to hold on to what was comfortable.
It’s like the online image of the little girl that won’t give Jesus her teddy bear because she loves it, all the while, unknown to her, He has a bigger bear for her to love. Except, it’s not love that holds me down, it’s comfort.
The road will never be without its potholes, but I wonder how much of my pain is self-inflicted because of my unwillingness to let go of what I know. Even knowing better, deep in my heart and soul, I am stubborn in my unwillingness to welcome change, or even consider it.

So yeah, I struggle but I surrender it all to Him, anyway.
Repeatedly.
And always come out feeling better for it.

Because deep in my heart I know that, while I do not fully comprehend what He is doing, here and now, He has never let me down. I have seen Him build bridges that I didn’t think were possible and heal relationships I was sure were dead and buried. He truly can do all things, provide all things, redeem all things. He pours out his love on me. I’m learning to trust Him and allow Him control of all things in my life because I can’t see the bigger picture, only He does. I am learning to fall on my knees, seeking His comfort, redemption, and wisdom.

I’m learning to listen and obey.

And that is hard because I’m hearing things that I would rather not hear right now, and obeying does not come naturally to me.
But He has asked me to trust Him. He has asked me to wait. And unlike people, God has never led me down the wrong path.

In the meantime, I am finding that the storm brings out the best and worst of my heart, and I like who I am becoming.
Shedding the old skin is not a comfortable experience, but it is a necessary part of His process and one I can’t rush or skip ahead if I want there to be any real, meaningful progress in my journey with Him.
Jesus is in every aspect of my story, both the good and the bad. Just because there is an easier way I would much rather be taking, does not mean I can’t forge ahead with peace and joy in my heart, as I walk on the road I’m on. There is something incredibly liberating about being able to feel at peace in the presence of tornadoes on the loose.

So I will continue to listen, obey, trust, and wait, regardless of the storm’s current appearance because seasons change, storms come and go but God is eternal.

‘Don’t be afraid, O land. Be glad now and rejoice,
for the Lord has done great things.
Don’t be afraid, you animals of the field,
for the wilderness pastures will soon be green.
The trees will again be filled with fruit;
fig trees and grapevines will be loaded down once more.
Rejoice, you people of Jerusalem!
Rejoice in the Lord your God!
For the rain he sends demonstrates his faithfulness.
Once more the autumn rains will come, as well as the rains of spring.
The threshing floors will again be piled high with grain,
and the presses will overflow with new wine and olive oil.
The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost to
the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts,
the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.
It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.
Once again you will have all the food you want,
and you will praise the Lord your God,
who does these miracles for you.
Never again will my people be disgraced.
Then you will know that I am among my people Israel,
that I am the Lord your God, and there is no other.
Never again will my people be disgraced.
“Then, after doing all those things,
I will pour out my Spirit upon all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy.
Your old men will dream dreams,
and your young men will see visions.
In those days I will pour out my Spirit even on servants
—men and women alike.
And I will cause wonders in the heavens and on the earth—
blood and fire and columns of smoke.
The sun will become dark, and the moon will turn
blood red before that great and terrible day of the Lord arrives.
But everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved,
for some on Mount Zion in Jerusalem will escape,
just as the Lord has said. These will be among
the survivors whom the Lord has called.’
Joel 2:21-32