Surrender

8:51 AM

I feel so many emotions I do not understand. I have so many questions. I could not begin to explain all that I feel and just how much those feelings contradict each other. There are times when I feel like I am drowning.

I have seen God bring my family closer together in the middle of the worst storm we have ever faced. God has allowed me to see glimpses of His hand at work and for that, I am eternally grateful. Knowing that He is in full control of all things lets me breathe.

I am both apprehensive and excited about the future. None of this makes any sense to me now but I know in my heart that I will continue to see God’s hand work and I will better know His heart in the days ahead.
There’s a thrill that runs through me at the reminders that no matter what this looks like now, God hears me, and has never left me. I hold on to the promise that as He has been with me in the past, despite my feelings then, He is with me now and will continue to be in the future.

There is also a lot of heartbreak over what I feel I’m losing in the process, and though I do not doubt for a single second that I will gain so much more in the end, because that is how God works, I am scared.



4:22 PM

I have found life to be a vicious cycle. It’s just never-ending ups and downs until the day we die. That’s a fact that won’t ever change.

Today, I feel like I’m drowning.

You can’t open the door to the enemy, not even a centimeter, because once he finds a way in, he does what he can to shake you and so we are here.

But God in his infinite wisdom places mirrors along the way, mirrors where you see bits of yourself, in a past life, so to speak.
You see a version of you who limited God, who doubted Him, or thought He needed your help, even after He told you to Be Still and Know.
You see a version of you that threw herself into busy work in a futile attempt to outrun the demons that chased her.

Oh, trust me the demons are still chasing. They will never stop chasing.
I’m just tired of running. I am powerless, and I am choosing to stand my ground and pray my way out of this instead.
I don’t have it in me to throw myself headfirst into earthly solutions to spiritual problems.
I am not in denial about the demons I face. I chose to pray this one out. In absolute surrender. His will. Not mine.

I understand what is at stake, but this is the road He put us on. I trust Him.

I would hate for anyone to walk away from here thinking I am fearless, I am not. But my strength comes from The Lord. He is the source of everything.
I close my eyes and I can see myself struggling in the water, barely able to breathe, and just when I think I am drowning, I see the hand of God come down and pull me up for air, rescuing me.
And so, no matter what it looks like today and how I feel about it, I continue to press into God and trust that He will make our way forward because he led us here.

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
So we will not fear when earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea.
Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!
A river brings joy to the city of our God, the sacred home of the Most High.
God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
From the very break of day, God will protect it.
The nations are in chaos, and their kingdoms crumble!
God’s voice thunders, and the earth melts!
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.
Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:
See how he brings destruction upon the world.
He causes wars to end throughout the earth.
He breaks the bow and snaps the spear; he burns the shields with fire.
“Be still, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”
The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.
(‭‭‭Psalms‬ ‭46‬‬:‭1‬-‭11‬ ‭NLT‬‬)