Sunrise or sunset, or any time in between, I can count on something beautiful, not just on the sky, from The Lord, but in our time together.
Thank You Jesus, for always being there with me, even when I’m not “there” with You because my thoughts are distracted.
Thank You for being present for every single walk, always willing and able to spend that time with me, to talk to me, to teach me, to correct me, to inspire me or just walk silently with me.
It cannot be overstated, that I honestly don’t know where I would be without You to save me from myself.
The more I learn and see, the more in awe of you, I am.
The magnitude of who You are is not lost on me, nor the privilege of knowing that, despite You being The God who created Heaven & Earth, You care enough about me to take care of the smallest of details for me.
You have taught me to invite you along and include you in my every-waking moment, and I find that everything is better in my life because I have chosen to center all things around you.
We truly do have the exact relationships we wish to have, and while there are moments in which I would absolutely change some of the relationships and even the people, who surround me in this season, I would never trade You for anything or anyone else.
Thank You for teaching me how to do this, how to walk by the hand with You, as Your beloved child, every hour of every day.
I do not wish to have any standing appointments that takes priority over You, in my life.
There is no interest, no hobby, no form of entertainment that can or should come before You in my life.
Thank You for teaching me that, and breaking me off all of those things that distracted me and kept me from You.
I have never experienced this type of relationship.
I could not have even dreamed this could be possible.
I believed You to be distant.
I believed You to be cold and uncaring.
I believed You to be too busy for the big things in my life, and nonexistent for the small things.
I believed that I was destined to walk this painful life alone, just struggling until my dying day, but You are none of those things, and that was never Your plan.
I was just rejecting You.
I believed things of my own creation, I had inherited fears that did not belong to me.
I needed to make the time, and put the effort to get to know You, for You, not who everyone else, who also did not know You, said You were.
This time together has been unlike any experience I’ve ever had before, nor could I put into words what a humbling privilege is to be able to draw closer, and grow my roots deeper into You.
I am so incredibly thankful for all that You are, all that You do, all that You give, all that You and only You make possible.
I’m thankful for these lessons on the importance of You above all else in my life.
You have been so faithful, so present Jesus. I never in my life want to sabotage my walk with You nor do I ever want to go back to who I was.
Thank You for taking the time to guide me down this painful yet liberating road in which You are all I need. I have been stripped of all the priorities that were not priorities at all.
How can something that doesn’t bring me closer to You be more important than You?
Nothing is more important than You.
No.
There’s no going back, and I am eternally grateful to You for Your steady presence every day. For You, Jesus, Your blood, Your love, have me this possible.
In the light of day, a path among the trees is an invitation to a peaceful walk with The Lord.
I normally use it as a time to walk the dogs and worship Jesus. These walks have provided countless hours of uninterrupted conversations with God. Countless lessons on pain, forgiveness, healing, repentance, grace, understanding and so much more.
There was a time when I honestly had very conflicting feelings about these walks. I didn’t look forward to them, did not see them as a privilege, or look upon them with gratitude. I saw them as a chore, which I believed for far too long, was something to resent for taking up my time. They are not, but that’s a topic for another day.
Looking back, there are days where I wonder where I might be today, if I had made the most of these walks long before now, but I know I can’t live in the past, just learn from it. All I can do is go forth with more effort to make the most out of every day in which I am here, surrounded by nature and trails.
With that in mind, I’ve been purposely setting out every day that the weather allows, and sometimes when it doesn’t. I have found that nothing is necessarily good or bad, just different.
I love exploring with the Jacks in the warmth of the sun, but there’s a different type of peace to be found in rain, almost a cleansing one.
Where I have found to struggle, was when The Lord invited me to walk and worship in the cover of darkness.
At 5 in the morning, when the sun is nowhere to be found, the moon is hidden by a cover of clouds and most of the street lights don’t work, those same peaceful paths, the ones that are incredibly full of The Lord’s presence as we walk together in the daytime, suddenly feel sinister.
God had not changed.
God was not missing from my life in that moment of darkness, it’s just that my trust is misplaced because I’m relying on the light of the sun and what my eyes can see to keep me safe, because we are constantly told that terrible things lurk in the cover of darkness, and they do.
The only thing I was trained on, as a child, was fear. Most of us are taught how to fear. Not the fear of The Lord, no. Fear of a world that cannot touch us, not unless God allows.
“For we live believing and not by seeing.” 2 Corinthians 5:7 NLT
It’s Biblical Scripture. I didn’t make it up, but neither do I fully understand it. I have so much to learn, and even more gratitude to The God who created all things, for taking the time to teach me all of these things.
In case you are wondering, no. I didn’t venture past the street corner and onto the path that morning, I let fear (or what many of you would call common sense) stop me from going past my comfort zone.
I’m not ashamed to say I turned around and hightailed it home. There was not a person or animal insight, not even the wind stirred. There was God, me and my Jacks, but every instinct in me was desperate to run for the safety of home, knowing full well it’s nothing more than an illusion. I am safe in God’s hands no matter where my feet stand, but home I went nonetheless.
In the days since that dark Tuesday morning, I’ve spent a lot of time seeking His wisdom, and coming to the understanding that as all things are preparation for what is to come, whatever that looks like, so are these walks. God is using everything in my life right now, as a means to teach, heal and prepare.
I have been discovering the depths of ‘walking by faith’, but there are always deeper levels to things that we are sometimes not capable of comprehending at first glance.
For my entire life, I have relied on my sight, and my gifts, to navigate the many different walks of life. In truth The Holy Spirit was saving me from myself, long before I knew He was but, even knowing that now, stepping out into the pitch dark road, trusting that God wouldn’t call me out there to hurt me but to grow me, that’s a different type of faith.
That’s a new level of “up a mountain and off a cliff with You, Jesus.”
I could not begin to tell you why it seems as though we are right back in this place, in the natural. I could not tell you why I had any type of expectation of what any of this would look like, when the day finally came. I guess it’s just human nature to try and fill in the blanks of the unknown parts of life. What I can tell you is that I am as blind in the natural as I am in the spiritual, at this very moment.
I do not know why all of these things are happening, some things, some people, I thought were long put to rest but, shows how much I know, which is nothing. God knows all things.
I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to feel. I don’t know what to make of any of it or how to proceed, I really don’t, but I really don’t need to, I just need to keep my eyes on Jesus.
One day at a time, one moment at a time, with no plans of my own, no chains of expectations, nothing but the promise that You know all things. We are here because You choose to allow it, Lord, and You will lead us every step of the way ahead.
As I look back, at all we have faced together, over the last 12 months, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that, You have never once left my side. The year has been difficult, the losses many, the pain more than I thought myself capable of bearing without losing my sanity, but You, Jesus.
I am thankful Father, for You have taught me to praise in the midst of my pain, to pray in the face of my fears.
The things that were meant to break me, brought me closer to You, and knowing You, has brought me to a new level of faith, dedication, commitment and yes, even trust in You, that allows me to find comfort and peace in not knowing what tomorrow holds, in not having all of the answers to all of the questions that try to plague my head.
In the natural, I may never venture out into the dark path but, in the spiritual, I will not let the fear and the pain hinder me from walking with You, Lord.
It is not lost on me, in the slightest, that one Saturday I received so much wisdom on faith, purpose, trust, relationships and parenting and on the following Saturday all of those lessons had been put to the test. Your timing, as always, is perfect and You gave me just enough to navigate ahead, but always needing to seek You further, for I am not meant to do things without You, and quite frankly, I long ago stopped wanting to.
I admit that at the time, I fell on my face in the most ungracious of ways, but by Your mercy and grace, I got up and recovered my senses and stepped out into the dark and winding road.
I have never felt more blind, never more cut off, but I know You have not left me. I see and feel you in very many different ways. I know that You are fighting my battles, and all I am required to do is praise You through it all, Lord.
You call it my victory, but I take credit for none of it.
Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.” And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don’t leave me now; don’t abandon me, O God of my salvation! Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close. Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me. Do not let me fall into their hands. For they accuse me of things I’ve never done; with every breath they threaten me with violence. Yet I am confident I will see the Lord’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord. (Psalms 27:7-14 NLT)
The Lord is king! Let the earth rejoice! Let the farthest coastlands be glad. Dark clouds surround him. Righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. Fire spreads ahead of him and burns up all his foes. His lightning flashes out across the world. The earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. The heavens proclaim his righteousness; every nation sees his glory. Those who worship idols are disgraced— all who brag about their worthless gods— for every god must bow to him. Jerusalem has heard and rejoiced, and all the towns of Judah are glad because of your justice, O Lord! For you, O Lord, are supreme over all the earth; you are exalted far above all gods. You who love the Lord, hate evil! He protects the lives of his godly people and rescues them from the power of the wicked. Light shines on the godly, and joy on those whose hearts are right. May all who are godly rejoice in the Lord and praise his holy name! (Psalms 97:1-12 NLT)
I pray you guide us in the days and weeks ahead because, I am flying blind here.
Every day I feel my legs cut out from under me, in someway or another, yet somehow, you prevail.
When I trip, you hold me steady.
When I fall, you pick me back up.
I have no answers, but you do.
I see no pictures, but you know, Lord.
You know it all, where I only see pieces of a much larger puzzle and the potential for disaster, you have already won the battle and the war. I just have to trust you and pray and worship my way through it.
It’s so frustrating. It was all so mishandled, Father, but none of that matters now. We are here and only you, Lord can show us the path ahead.
I want to thank you, because despite of the mess, something good come out already.
I see that we have a much larger problem, a much deeper root, but I also know how to better pray and worship my way here, for that’s what this last month has been about, no?
Preparation.
Preparing me. Teaching me.
You told me, Lord. You did, but once again I filled in the blanks the way I wanted to. I put my own expectations on the circumstances and I couldn’t tell you how or why but as we are here now, I see no sense in trying to do anything but figure out the road ahead with you in the lead. We’ve all made enough of a mess leading up to this.
How do you want us to go from here?
If I cannot serve you as you command, at home, I am no good to you anywhere.
Today has been a long, draining and emotional day.
My heart hurts. My head hurts, and I am at a loss…
Tomorrow is in You hands. You know what I do not. In every way.
Tomorrow, if you so allow me Lord, I will live to fight another day, but today, I’m going to bed.
“As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemies! For though I fall, I will rise again. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light.” Micah 7:7-8 NLT
Did I need Him to send me a preacher all the way from Mexico to confirm to me what He has been saying for so long now? I wouldn’t think so, but clearly, God did because He did just that.
Once again, I was reminded that God is a personal God, and our relationship is one of a kind. The plans He has for me are not exact to His plans for anyone else.
Sure, there may be similarities, after all, we all experience life and so we all know pain, suffering, loss, fear, illness and death, and yes, there are many good things we experience as well but, I personally had to learn to look to God in all situations for direction because these are His plans, only He knows them.
If I have learned anything at all over the course of the last year, is that nothing I entrust to God’s capable hands is ever lost, and still I struggle to obey instantly, in some areas I like to be difficult and procrastinate. No excuses for it, just bad habits that have yet to die.
For some time now, too long really, I have felt God lead me in a direction that no one else seems to be going in, particularly in this economy, but the point that Jesus has been driving into me for so many years now, the point I struggled to accept and understand, even now after all we have been through together, is that He is my provider and I do not need to hold on to the money, on the contrary, I need to let it go.
You see, I thought that the road that lead us here was meant to teach me certain things, because I was looking at it still with wordly eyes, but now I realize that they were really teaching me something else entirely:
God is not looking at my material possessions, my education, my career [or lack thereof] the contents of my bank account or much of anything else, really.
I know this. I have known this for sometime.
God wants my heart. All of it.
God wants my obedience.
Trust. Obey. Follow.
Today, I got to hear the testimony of a family who, in obedience to God Almighty, opened a church in Mexico, in 2020. At the height of the pandemic, when most people weren’t congregating with family, much less anyone else, and here they are on the verge of celebrating their 4th anniversary.
When so many places, not just churches, closed their doors never to open again, these people stepped out and opened their doors for the very first time and have thrived, against all odds, I am sure. I know for a fact that the road for them, has not been without pain and opposition. I’m sure they could never convey all of the details of the last 4 yrs. When we step out boldly in faith and obedience, opposition comes. It never fails.
The enemy’s way is so basic and simple that we have become not just tolerant but dismissive of his cunning. We have a very real enemy, but we also have a very real, very powerful God. We must choose wisely where we place our trust.
I really don’t have to try very hard to imagine what people must have said about the “wisdom” of opening a church when most of the world was shut down, because I know what I would’ve told them had they told me, then, what they had been told by The Lord to do. It would’ve been right along the same lines of what I told Michael everytime he told me what God was calling him to do.
“That’s insanity. Does God not see, clearly, what is going on here?”
I have since learned that, the one who does not see clearly what is going on, is me.
I am clueless by comparison to He who created the heavens and the earth. He knows all things. He goes before me. He clears my way. He provides under impossible situations, making connections only He can.
Obedience costs, but it also pays, we just can’t obey solely for the reward. For me, personally, I find that nothing I ever lost or gained has ever truly come close to Him. To His love, His presence, His joy.
Last April I found myself incredibly angry, frustrated and even resentful of where God has brought us after weeks of homelessness and yet, it is here in this place, under these pressures and with these people, where Michael and I are learning the complicated dance of marriage, after so many years of marital strife. I don’t know why it had to be this way, but I am so thankful that we are here, and I understand that I do not need to know all things, I just need to trust Him who knows all things.
Yes, stepping out in faith seems crazy, yet God’s unconventional ways, have already brought me to places, both physically and spiritually that I had deemed impossible not so long ago, and so now I am left with this question:
‘This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord . “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord . “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” Jeremiah 29:10-14
Thank You for everything, Lord. The good, the bad, the undefined as of yet, I am thankful for it all.
For so long, Lord, I lived my life in fear, off all the wrong things, always trying to achieve, to strive, always looking to the world for answers & satisfaction that it simply has never possessed.
As I look back at all of the personal, financial and familial setbacks, just of the last year alone, I find that not only were You always there, but You somehow managed to turn all of my choices, both the good and the bad, into something I never did see coming:
A new creation.
In You. For You. I am new.
Everything I once believed to be impossible, You Jesus, have made possible.
The things that once kept me up at night, the things I feared the most, turned out to be nothing to fear at all, because of You.
You, my God, only You could have done all I have seen. There is no other explanation, for how we got here and how we have all that we have after all that we “lost” which, in truth, feels like we lost nothing at all.
As I sit here today, I find that the abundant life I truly want is the one that is abundant in You, My God. I want to live to love you well because I now understand that this life is basic training, there are many battles coming but the only true victory we have is the one You give us.
I thank You Jesus, for the idols that you have broken me off of. I thank you for teaching me to trust You and Your timing, especially when nothing makes sense and the enemy is pushing doubt, because now I understand that all he can do is get me to rob myself of You and I am terrified of ever spending a day away from you ever again. Not now. Not after all You and I have been through.
I have seen Your abundant blessings and it saddens me to remember when Your abundant love, grace and provisions did not look as such to me. The world had taught me wrong, and slowly You are undoing and re-teaching, Your truths.
Thank You for teaching me. Thank You for saving me from myself. You have rescued me Lord, in ways I did not know I needed rescuing. You have opened my heart, my mind, my soul, my eyes and ears to You.
I am fully lost in You, but by Your grace, not from You.
‘Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant— I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you. Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. ‘ Psalms 73:21-25
‘All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you. We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus, will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. ‘ 2 Corinthians 4:12,14-16
I was reminded this morning that God is always here, even when I don’t feel Him, especially when no one else is.
God is here, present, actively working on my behalf even when I can’t see it, even when times are hard. God is here when I feel alone, He understands me when I feel misunderstood, He loves me when I feel unloved, He wants me when I feel unwanted. God is here.
God is here When I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and my tribe is nowhere to be found, God is here, and doing all the heavy lifting, He is the best friend I will ever have, and the only one I will ever truly need.
No matter how much we may wish it weren’t so, life is hard, relationships are hard, communication is hard, work is hard. No one ever promised easy. Right now people are struggling, everything seems to go wrong and either people fail us, or we fail them. No one is perfect, except Christ.
Uncommon Life Daily Challenges by Tony Dungee & Nathan Whitaker
I want so desperately to understand why we are here because I left this life behind and I never hid my dislike of it. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciated the opportunities that living on property afforded. It made it possible for me to stay home with the kids, but it was not all rainbows and butterflies. I appreciated the time to focus on the kids and the home, I appreciate it now. I understood what I privilege it was to be able to do it, as I understand what a privilege it is to do it now. Then, it was a choice we made because we felt it was best for the kids, currently I am not here by choice but God brought me here, to this place, at this time and I am determined to trust Him and see it through because I know that I am not alone in any of this, God is here.
It’s been over 10 yrs since we lived on a property that Michael worked at. I was certain those days were long behind me when I bought the house. Those were dark years. Our entire life has been one long, hard road. It’s always felt like everything was working against us, and to be quite honest, some days we worked against ourselves and each other. I look back and can only credit God’s eternal grace for my children [the older two] not being more screwed up than they are, and trust me, they are truly testing, my patience and my faith these days. It seems like everyone is, if I’m being completely honest, myself included. It is like someone opened a deep well of anger, resentment and unresolved issues and I am trying very hard not to drown in it, because I know that if I can just hold on, and stay afloat, it’s bound to run out. Nothing lasts forever, except God. It is at times like this that I have to hold on to Him the most. I have to keep focused on Him.
I know that God is here, and I know He has us here for a reason, though I don’t pretend to fully understand what all of those reasons are. I know that anger, resentment and unresolved issues can not be excused, overlooked or tolerated. I also know these feelings are opportunities for us to draw closer to God, to seek His wisdom, to allow Him to lead us down the road to redemption and healing. It won’t be easy, it will take teamwork, both with God and each other, it will take effort on our parts, it will take accountability and consistency, and the willingness to deal with things long buried, by us all. Personally, I would love nothing more than to skip all over the messy parts, but I know that is not how it works, so I just chose to hold on to God’s promise for my family, and my life.
I know without a shadow of a doubt that the seeds of God’s truth have been planted and God is the perfect gardner. He knows His creation fully. He carefully, and gently untangles the weeds from the flowers, but the process is slow and painful, and sacrifices have to be made for the plants to grow and the flower to bloom. The weeds that threaten to choke the life out of the flowers have to be removed and no matter how patient and gentle God is in our process, the pain is inevitable, but worth it. On God’s time the garden will be beautiful beyond our wildest imagination, but until then, it is carefully tended by the most capable of hands.
“O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I’m far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do. You know what I am going to say even before I say it, Lord. You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand! I can never escape from your Spirit! I can never get away from your presence! If I go up to heaven, you are there; if I go down to the grave, you are there. If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans, even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. I could ask the darkness to hide me and the light around me to become night— but even in darkness I cannot hide from you. To you the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered! I can’t even count them; they outnumber the grains of sand! And when I wake up, you are still with me! O God, if only you would destroy the wicked! Get out of my life, you murderers! They blaspheme you; your enemies misuse your name. O Lord, shouldn’t I hate those who hate you? Shouldn’t I despise those who oppose you? Yes, I hate the with total hatred, for your enemies are my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.“ Psalms 139:1-24 NLT
“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of Lords. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who alone does mighty miracles. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who made the heavens so skillfully. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who placed the earth among the waters. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who made the heavenly lights— His faithful love endures forever. the sun to rule the day, His faithful love endures forever. and the moon and stars to rule the night. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who killed the firstborn of Egypt. His faithful love endures forever. He brought Israel out of Egypt. His faithful love endures forever. He acted with a strong hand and powerful arm. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who parted the Red Sea. His faithful love endures forever. He led Israel safely through, His faithful love endures forever. but he hurled Pharaoh and his army into the Red Sea. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who led his people through the wilderness. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to him who struck down mighty kings. His faithful love endures forever. He killed powerful kings— His faithful love endures forever. Sihon king of the Amorites, His faithful love endures forever. and Og king of Bashan. His faithful love endures forever. God gave the land of these kings as an inheritance— His faithful love endures forever. a special possession to his servant Israel. His faithful love endures forever. He remembered us in our weakness. His faithful love endures forever. He saved us from our enemies. His faithful love endures forever. He gives food to every living thing. His faithful love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of heaven. His faithful love endures forever.“ Psalms 136:1-26 NLT
God does not meet my timeline, perspective or expectations. God exists outside of them. He prepares me for His plans, He does not bend to mine. He is not a God of strings, games or manipulation. He is literal. He says what He means, and He keeps His promises.
I know this.
God is not the problem, I am.
Even when I know better, I don’t. My humanness gets the better of me. Some things are so hard ingrained into me, that they are hard to unlearn, but what I have learned is, that absolute trust & obedience, is paramount.
Patience is too.
I am constantly having to redirect myself back to what I know and not what I see, think or feel in the moment. I am constantly reminding myself that God knows me better than I know myself. He knows where my weaknesses lay, the places the enemy can exploit to keep a hold of me, to twist God’s truth so that I can make excuses as to why I must hold onto my idols. God knows, not just what I need to be broken off from, and where the pride hides, but also how to break me off it, in the most beneficial and permanent way. It is a slow, complicated and painful process, it has to be. He untangles the weeds of lies and bad habits that have grown for decades among the wheat of His truth and purpose, with a patient and a gentle hand.
God is the ultimate gardener. He is the ultimate Father, and the ultimate Friend. God is faithful. He keeps His promises. He has plans for my family, and He will prepare us to serve Him the way He knows we need, in the way He knows will serve His greater purpose and in the way He knows is best for us, not the way I want Him to. I am both humbled, and grateful, though I don’t always act like it, and I hate to imagine the mess I could make out of things, if left to my own devices.
This has been such a hard road, not because of anything God has allowed or done, thought there has been plenty of difficulties there too, but because I simply cannot let go of my timing and my expectations. It’s hard because even as I fully comprehend that, complete surrender to His will is what is best, I still want things to be the way I want them. I resent the process because it has not met my expectations or approval, but He does not need it to, and the fact that I can both know this and still feel entitled to have it on my terms, prove that God is right to make me wait.
My heart is not yet ready for how He intends to use me.
I am not ready yet.
Even now, God has answered 2 prayers with 1 blessing & I chafed under the circumstances not meeting my expectations of how God would answer, and I can’t think of any reason for why I expected things to be a certain way, or why I would be upset that my answers came in a different manner. I don’t even know what is it that I seem to be opposed to. There is not a thing I can point out to and say “this is the problem here.” None.
I now understand why for so many years, Michael would say “there is no making you happy.” He was not being rude, offensive or even critical. The man was stating a fact. Someway, somehow, I find something to be upset about. There is so much death to self that still needs to happen here.
As Jeremiah told the Israelites in his letter, this is home now, and I need to make myself at home. I need not sit and wait until something changes. I need to work for the good. I need to find my new normal, and continue to grow in My relationship with the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I need to grow in my trust and strength, in love and service to others, until the day that God’s sees fit to move us to the next part of the adventure. God is not here to give me the worldly experience I think I want. Nothing outside of serving Him, matters, because not my house, not my job, not my car, none of it will serve a purpose in eternity. I am here for Him. He is not a genie in a bottle nor a vending machine. I don’t get to stick a prayer in and demand my outcome. Obedience is painful, but then life is painful. I just get to chose the purpose for my pain and trust that I rest is in His hands.
When I change my perspective, however, it changes everything. When I chose to look at what I have, instead of what I lost [which admittedly I don’t mourn very often] I find much to be grateful for. When I remember that I have a roof over my head, a warm bed, food, a car, and that we all have our health, I find purpose. My family is where they need to be for His reasons, His work, His purpose and His glory, not where I want them to be, but then there is no purpose in my wants. I want us all to be together because I love my kids & I miss them, but I know that this particular season in life, is one we will all look back to one day and remember it as the most transformative of our lives. We will see all that God has done, all He has changed, the way He has brought us all closer together and we will Praise God for it.
But until then, I cannot, and will not, let my limited view, knowledge and wisdom, limit who God is in my life. I cannot let my feelings dictate what things should look like, nor my impatience dictate His timing. I was promised a grand adventure, the privilege of walking closely in this life, with a faithful and ever present God. Earthly comforts were never part of the promise, nor was any type of timeline given, it is not biblical.
Jesus is the only true comfort, the only true security to be had is the one I find by having my life centered on Jesus Christ My Lord & Savior, and by always seeking the leading of His Holy Spirit. Now is the time to seek, to worship, to learn, to grow. Now is the time to remain as malleable as I can be, so that I can become the masterpiece He intended me to be, for His purpose and His glory.
Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to you to hide me. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress. In your unfailing love, silence all my enemies and destroy all my foes, for I am your servant. (Psalms 143:8-12 NLT)
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:6-9 NLT
“This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says to all the captives he has exiled to Babylon from Jerusalem: “Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce. Marry and have children. Then find spouses for them so that you may have many grandchildren. Multiply! Do not dwindle away! And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare.” This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, the God of Israel, says: “Do not let your prophets and fortune-tellers who are with you in the land of Babylon trick you. Do not listen to their dreams, because they are telling you lies in my name. I have not sent them,” says the Lord. This is what the Lord says: “You will be in Babylon for seventy years. But then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.” Jeremiah 29:4-14 NLT
2023 has come to an end, and I look back with gratitude for all that we learned about God through all that we lost.
It was not an easy year, by any stretch of the imagination. There were many hard lessons and many tears. Even now I sit here wondering what comes next, as I personally do not know, only God does.
What I can say is, that it was a year that exposed the areas of my heart, my marriage and my family that needed a complete overhaul, the type that only Jesus can bring forth in all of us.
I wish so many things were different as I sit in this motel room, wondering where out next meal will come from, or where we will sleep tonight, yet I have learned that what looks completely impossible to me, is possible for God.
We checked into this motel for 2 nights, a week ago, and if this is the end of us in this place, I am glad that I was here for as long as I was for it taught me that I truly do have more than some, thought not quite as much as others, and we were in a unique position to be able to help those who did not have as much as we do.
I have experienced the kindness of strangers, and have been able to bless others as well. I should not ask for more than that, and I truly can’t complain. For better or worse, there has been a roof over my head and some food on my table, and for that I am grateful.
I look forward to a day when I can better help those in the homeless community, there are so many people struggling, and now that I have a much better understanding of where the deficiencies in the assistance programs are. There is so much room for improvement, we can all do a better job taking care of each other.
I may be struggling today, but I also know that I have been blessed beyond belief, and this is not the end for me.
No matter where this day leads, and how 2024 has started, God is with me. God has been with me. He has opened some doors and closed others and has met many of my needs every step of the way. I need not let my feelings get in the way, I need never forget who God is and all that He has done for us.
I look forward to the shift that I know is coming, no matter how long it may take, because the God who created the heavens and the earth, is taking care of me, much like He did the Israelites in the wilderness. One day at a time, one step at a time. That level of intimacy that can not and should not be dismissed. It’s personal in a way we do not deserve, and it’s the choice God made.
Obedience to God is what lead us here and I am thankful for the opportunity to face my fears and realize that my God is bigger, and I need not fear. If I could go back, and do it all over again, knowing all that I now know, I would chose Him all over again, because this has been an incredibly eye opening and humbling experience. I can truly say that I am blessed.
Thank You, Jesus. Thank You!
“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. Yes, we live under constant danger of death because we serve Jesus, so that the life of Jesus will be evident in our dying bodies. So we live in the face of death, but this has resulted in eternal life for you.” 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 NLT
If God puts in in your heart, a small donation can go along way, not just in helping my family, but in helping those around me that need it more than we do.
I can’t wait until the day when I can look back and see the growth that came from this time of difficulties.
I can’t wait until I see all that God will accomplish through these trials and tribulations. It’s not that I can’t see His hand at work here, I do. I see His change in me, in my husband, in my oldest son. It’s just that there are days, like today, when I struggle to find the purpose in the pain, when I fail to see His hand at work.
I wish to be anywhere but here.
I do not believe one day is more special than any other, to me, every day has meaning because I am alive and that alone is a gift from God.
Time is a gift we take for granted way too often. Birthdays, Christmas, they don’t mean any more or any less than any other day to me. I can’t think of a single day in which I would have been perfectly okay with my current set of circumstances. I really can’t.
There is a brokenness in me, right now, a frustration that I am desperately trying to drown. Jesus said we had to die to ourselves, and right now, the old angry me really wants to rear her ugly head and scream, but that will change nothing. Everything is still lost. Most of my possessions are gone.
I have Jesus, my husband and my family and that is more than enough, I’m just impatient for the promises He made.
I know that God keeps His word. I know that He will provide everything He said He would when He asked us to step out in faith and serve Him, I am just really struggling right now, as I sit in my car, with my 3 yr old asleep in his car seat and my husband furiously trying to solve something for us to have a place to sleep tonight with our 4 small dogs in his car.
Nothing will get solved tonight, I know. It’s Christmas Eve, all those who owe us are celebrating with their families and if we are being quite honest, their money all sits under their Christmas tree.
I can’t complain. I have a roof. My car is more than other homeless people have and it’s keeping me safe and warm. I have food, we got to eat, which is also more than others have. It is the child that has me feeling sorry for myself. I want so much more for him than this, not because it’s Christmas Eve but because he is my child and it is my job to make sure that he is safe in his bed as he sleeps.
I write this, not with the hopes that someone will feel sorry for me and help but with the intention to one day look back and remember that in 2023 I lost my daughter for 9 days, and then she chose to move away from us, and then I lost my home, among other lesser things all in the span of a month.
I have come face to face with some of my fears and Jesus has held me together through it all. I know He will hold me together through this also.
I lived a very simple life and now it’s all mostly gone.
My 3 yrs old, who has had a very difficult time adjusting to his sister moving away, has taken to homelessness like it’s one big adventure, which in a way, I guess it is, and I am jealous that despite my faith in Christ, I struggle to see it the way my child does. His trust in us is such, that no matter where we sleep at night, he is happy and feels safe because he is with us.
Should we not all be just like that with God?
Yes, we should and I really really want to and through most of this year, I have but today as I sit in my car, in the dark in a park, I wonder why God has made this process so long and so painful yet I am thankful that I have faced so many of my fears and come out stronger for them in the end.
One day, I will be stronger and more compassionate for this time on the street, I know I will, I just can’t quite see it today.
Life is hard and painful. Life with Jesus Christ at my side is worth living, no matter how much it hurts or how it shatters my heart.
Jesus is Lord even when I am on the streets and through my tears and my momentary anger and pain, I will praise Him just the same as I would any other day.
Jesus has not abandoned me. I know it so deep in my soul that no amount of writing can ever explain it. None. He is very much here, very much working in me and fighting for me. I just have to hold on to my faith and His promise.
I am human. I am weak. I am allowed to feel every bit of anger and frustration, I am allowed to mourn the place that was my home for 9 yrs. What I am not about to do is let those emotions make me forget who God is and what He has already done for me, nor will I let the fear and uncertainty of my circumstances shake my faith.
I will just take everything I feel back to Him who comforts me, He will see me through, as He always does.
God is faithful. He is worthy of it all. He has not forsaken me and He never will. My circumstances are as temporary as this life we live, I must cling to Him tighter than I cling to anything else for He is truly all I need. He is the only one who can truly rescue me from this place of darkness & sadness.
There will be a day when all of this will make sense, until then, I will praise Him from the highest mountain and the lowest valley, no matter how I feel about it or how much it hurts.
Jesus is worthy of my all.
”My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. Your instructions are more valuable to me than millions in gold and silver. You made me; you created me. Now give me the sense to follow your commands. May all who fear you find in me a cause for joy, for I have put my hope in your word. I know, O Lord, that your regulations are fair; you disciplined me because I needed it. Now let your unfailing love comfort me, just as you promised me, your servant. Surround me with your tender mercies so I may live, for your instructions are my delight.“ Psalms 119:71-77 NLT
It’s not hard to look back at the last 10 years and see all that God has done, and know that He brought us here.
A year ago, this still all seemed so impossible. Even now I look back and can’t understand exactly how we arrived at this, but I am so thankful we did.
I am free.
As I look around at our most uncertain times, I can’t help but see all of the ways in which You have been present and faithful, Lord.
Thank You for breaking off each and every shackle. Thank You for healing our hearts. Thank You for mending the fences & building some bridges. Thank You for always giving me what I need. Thank You for teaching me that what I want is not always what is best for me. Thank You for teaching me that You keep your promises. You are literal. You say what You mean, no hidden messages, no strings attached.
I can take You at your word.
Thank You for being all that I need, and for teaching me what that truly means. Thank You for encouraging me when I feel as though I must be doing everything wrong. Thank You for loving me enough to say no, to break me off those “safety blankets” that are a mere illusion. There is no safety outside of You.
Thank You.
Thank You for every person You put along my path. For every beautiful soul You spoke to me through, showed me love through, encouraged & guided me through, thank You. I can never repay all they have done, the parts they have played, the way they will always hold a piece of my heart, I pray for each of them.
Bless them.
I look back and I know, that You are not done here. Your faithfulness and provision will surpass my wildest imaginations, we are still Your work in progress. My heart breaks for those who have yet to experience and encounter You, as You have allowed me to. Thank You.
I pray they one day understand, Lord. I pray they each have their own never-ending grand adventure with You. I pray they see the value in suffering, the love that You offer, the paths that only You can make straight.
You are the God of the impossible. You always do the unexpected. You take Your sweet time, preparing us for what is to come. You are gentle, and patient, as You weed & uproot. I pray we all learn to let You out of the box of our own expectations and understanding because, You can’t be contained or controlled, and Your ways truly are better. For that and so much more, I will praise Your name. Thank You.
I had it all, Jesus, but I couldn’t see you through it, I did not find You there.
I found You here.
Here I rejoice in anticipation at what may come.
I am thankful that I am able to look around and see Your hand in all things. I feel overwhelming gratitude for every “no” You have given me, through them came every big blessing, every big lesson, every big hope.
For me, it’s up the mountain and off the cliff with You, Lord. I chose You. I choose You.
I never thought there would be a day where I would joyfully proclaim that I have navigated through some of my worst fears, in freedom and victory, because You were at my side.
I lost some battles, but You won the war. I trust that.
Off I go, on this new part of the adventure, in confidence, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that, while I do not know what tomorrow brings, and it may not be my chosen outcome, God can do the impossible in just 3 days.
”Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them.“ James 1:2-9 NLT
Psalms 73 