You have been faithful.
I do not know how to just be.
I know you can and will, but I don’t know how to rest. How to receive.
When things start to look hard, I shake.
It’s hard to not have stability even if I do know that you will take care of us today because you are the stability. You’re the foundation, the strength, the provision.
You are the treasured, the blessing.
Not the roof or the food, You.
The rest really is just bonus.
I am done asking for worldly help that satisfies my understanding. It rarely comes anyway & then leaves me with a sea of feelings I just can’t afford to have.
I pray every day for those who have been kind and generous in our time of need. The ones who opened heart and home to us.
I am beyond grateful for the faithful remnant of obedient soldiers who have reported for duty & met our needs with love.
I am even more thankful for the ones who simply met me with judgment, condemnation and flat out abandonment.
Had not every single one of them failed me, I would not see you as I do.
Even as I sit here to write, I wonder if I’ve lost my mind. The room is packed and we should be loading up the car, but I’m going to take a stand and trust you.
Whatever comes next, I will meet with the same attitude that I met military orders. I don’t have to like it, but I do have to obey or face a court martial.
I just want to obey. Trust.
As much as every single day lived through this season has been absolutely unbearable, they’ve also been life changing.
I have a better understanding of where the needs are in the community. I have a better understanding of how God created us to function, and why his way just works best.
I have personally experienced the magic of homelessness which turns an individual from a person to invisible.
But you’ve seen me. You’ve fed me.
You’ve housed me under impossible situations that only you could do.
I finally understand that my issue is not that I am stubborn and hard headed, but that I am stubborn and hard headed the wrong way.
I need that same energy into doing what you said:
Trust.
Wait.
I cannot take my home, my car, or my bank account into heaven with me, nor will my life experience, preferences or opinions open those gates for me either.
Only You can.
I understand, in my heart, mind and soul that God is both unchanging and purposeful. I know why I am here. I see what He is teaching…
But learning to live it.
To close the door once and for all to the need to control and micromanage the HOW when He has already proven He doesn’t need me to meddle. It’s why all of my efforts are met with no worldly results.
This is on Him.
I do not want to fall apart, I do not want to fear or doubt.
I know Jesus Christ. I know I can trust Him. I need to be a child.
A child does not worry about a thing because mom and dad handle it all, likewise, I need to stop worrying about my needs because The God who called me out here takes care of my needs, and my persistent fear muddies His name.
The trick to this, I think, is spiritual jiu jitsu.
Jacob wrestled with God.
I am begging Him to wrestle me into submission, in the area I cannot seem to submit myself, because while Jacob won, I do wish to.
God’s will.
God’s way.
For His Kingdom and purpose, not my comfort.
My view is too narrow. My way misses for the Forrest for the tree…
Help me, Lord.
Be my strength.
See me through.
You have never failed me.
You won’t fail me now.
Not getting my way is not failure. It’s you saving me from myself because I know the worlds way, and we are walking in yours.
🙏🏼💗