Surrender is not defeat.

I have to stop seeing it as such.

God truly does know better. His ways are not ours and often the disappointments of not having prayers answered “my way” threatens the foundation on which I stand.

Not because of Who He is, The Foundation is not the issue. God is never the issue.

It is that which I am trying to build upon it, while trying to rush the process because it is long, hard and painful. 

It hurts to experience the fire that purifies, even when we understand that it is necessary for what we want to accomplish, not for us, but for His Kingdom and glory.

Surrendering our life to Jesus Christ, dying to ourselves, is not something that’s done from a position of defeat, but of victory, but I’m struggling to shift my heart posture.

I don’t necessarily understand it all, because this does not look at all like victories some days but…

God has been so faithful through this. He has been consistent in His care for us. Things have never been as bad as they could’ve been. He truly has kept us, and understanding this, I still have a lot of feelings about it. 

I think about Abraham & Sarah waiting 25 yrs for a child they did not even ask for. 

He was promised to them by God.

I pray I don’t have to wait 25 yrs for my promise… 

But should it come to that, I pray I have the wisdom to surrender to Christ & allow Him to lead me every step of the way. Even to the car.

Because that’s my biggest fear this season, if I am being honest, that this is God’s will, and I know that I will have to find the will to be content in the car because I know I have much to be grateful for. 

Some months back I asked God when something would cease to repeat, and He quite frankly told me when I stop getting angry about it.

That was a hard pill to swallow because I know it’s true, yet no one wants to be used and abused every where they go without getting angry about it. 

I am very good at fighting, at doing. Not so good at raising above. At letting go, because I feel like I’ve been letting go of a lot of things for a long time and it was never appreciated, just exploited.

The failures of people are not reflecting of God. I know that.

My surrender is wisdom, not defeat. I cannot loose if I choose Him no matter what that looks like. 

People often hurt each other, not always on purpose, but hurt is hurt. Too many of us proclaim His name but do not know His character, so we behave as self serving as everyone else…

Others have different cultures and beliefs that lack morals, and I cannot be angry because people do not know what they do not know.

I cannot allow the actions of others to derail my walk, my focus.

God sees all things.

He knows all that we do not. I have to learn to trust that.

I have to let go of this image of what it’s supposed to look like or be like. 

I have to let go of “want” but also of my idea of fair.

God gives me grace undeserved. I have to extend that same grace to those I interact with, in whatever capacity.

I want to cry.

I wish I could, really. Crying is cleansing and therapeutic. Tears would help, a lot, right about now, actually. 

It’s been a hard few weeks. Today is off to much of the same start. I have a lot of unanswered questions. I feel like I am failing at my responsibility as wife and mother.

I want to be able to do, to solve, to fix. 

I don’t know how to let go and let God. 

Not because I don’t trust Him, I do. I just don’t know how to stop. I’m grasping for my idea of stability and normalcy when I know, deep in my heart I know.

He is my normalcy. He is my stability. As long as Jesus is by my side, every place is home.

Even now, in my fear and doubt, you provide for us. You really have proven that You can use any person to care for Your children. You look for heart, God, not titles.

Thank you for wrestling me into submission.

Thank you for not allowing me my way. Thank You for reminding me that my feelings are not reality.

Thank You for truly being the one I can count on.

Thank You, Jesus.

Thank you.

“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? (‭‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6‬‬:‭25‬ ‭NLT‬‬)

“In that day you will sing: “I will praise you, O Lord! You were angry with me, but not anymore. Now you comfort me. See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory.” With joy you will drink deeply from the fountain of salvation! In that wonderful day you will sing: “Thank the Lord! Praise his name! Tell the nations what he has done. Let them know how mighty he is! Sing to the Lord, for he has done wonderful things. Make known his praise around the world. Let all the people of Jerusalem shout his praise with joy! For great is the Holy One of Israel who lives among you.””
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭12‬:‭1‬-‭6‬ ‭NLT‬‬