One Month

30 days.

They can feel like a lifetime.

My circumstances are just that, they are not what matters. Jesus is.

I know we both know better than to be down by the latest set back, but we are human, we’ve been at this a very long time & these last 30 days have been the hard.
How are we going to pay for the room, the parts & everything else?
If we are causing our delay, will You just say/send word?
It feels as though things have been conspiring against us for so long. We’ve made mistakes & we’ve done our best to learn & do better. I hate feeling like I’m abusing Your grace & theirs, yet the more we aim to please You & live as You’re teaching, the worst things seem to get.

I’ve been impatient & defeated for days. Today I feel like giving up, but I really can’t. Not because we don’t have the means to just pack up & leave, though there is that too. I’ve just come too far with You to turn around now. I can’t imagine ever spending another day w/o You. So now what?
We feel stuck. If I can’t go back or forward, what’s left?

Praise.

I am once again reminded of the story of the man & cocoon. I feel just as trapped, struggling. It’s almost suffocating but You truly are the breath in my lungs.

I understand, Jesus. I do.
I see more than I should.
I understand You so much more than I have any right to, yet like Paul, I seem to do what I shouldn’t.

I don’t want to get tired, frustrated, I don’t want to micro analyze & wonder what I could have done better, different.
I want to get things right the first time. I want to not need help. Yes, its prideful but its how I feel. Its ok to need help, I love helping others, but we shouldn’t need it. It’s not a rational way to feel when Your word tells us to care for each other.

I’m tired, Lord.
He is tired.
I’m tired of watching him battle it out. I struggle to sit idly by unable to help.
I Fear time is running out, but only You know for certain.
How can I see what is wrong & not Fix it?

Ok. Fine.

How can I not meddle?

I want to breathe in peace, no matter what. I know I can trust You, I need not worry. I want to stop expecting people to change, to step up, to give & not just take. I know how You’re showing me to do things & yet, it’s hard to pour into cracked vessels that do not hold nor pour back, but I can’t fault them for still being broken, Lord.

I’m scared, Jesus. I’m tired. Yet, I know that all of my needs will be met by Your grace, somehow. I do.
You are my Provider. My Redeemer. I am safe in Your hands. This hurts but here I will sit & praise, as You have taught me to.

“When Jesus had spoken these things, He raised His eyes to heaven [in prayer] and said,
“Father, the hour has come. Glorify Your Son, so that Your Son may glorify You.
Just as You have given Him power and authority over all mankind, [now glorify Him] so that He may give eternal life to all whom You have given Him [to be His—permanently and forever].
Now this is eternal life: that they may know You, the only true [supreme and sovereign] God,
and [in the same manner know] Jesus [as the] Christ whom You have sent.”
‭‭John‬ ‭17‬:‭1‬-‭3‬ ‭AMP‬‬