43 years old today, by the grace of God.
The simplicity of breathing is a miracle I no longer take for granted, yet thankful as I am for my God-given 43rd birthday, for me today is about celebrating something far more important, for reasons few will understand.
Today marks 2 years since we lost our house, our home of 10 years, but it is not the loss that makes today important, nor is it melancholy feelings over the house or even the memories, no.
Two years ago, today, we walked out of the house for the very last time, with little to nothing to our names, nowhere to go, and no one but God to help us navigate the daily challenges that would arise.
Today I celebrate 2 years of God keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs, all in ways we never could have predicted or even imagined, and through people we had not yet met.
It’s been two years since I embarked on a road that promised to be painful and difficult, and it has been all of that and more, but through it all, God has been faithful, and that is everything to me.
He is everything to me, and so today is about Him.
Even now, we should not be here; the finances do not make sense, yet week after week, Jesus makes a way. Always.
It is not “if” Jesus will, but when. I have learned to stop asking “how.”
Two years ago, I walked out of my home and into the unknown, full of fear, anger, and frustration, with my husband, my 3-year-old son, and our dogs, thankful the older kids had “better circumstances.”
Words will never capture the fullness of what has been experienced in that time, the challenges, the moments of hopelessness that turned out to be everything but…
Today also marks nine months since we checked into this motel for a weekend, thinking we would be here at most for a week, until we heard…
Nothing made sense then, but since then, though the weeks have been long, the incredible, life-altering lesson, where God has been concerned, have been priceless, and so I see that I did not truly lose anything at all then, because I gained real trust in Jesus along the way.
Jesus built my trust and reliance on Him. He did.
You told me once, Lord, You were looking for people who could go through 40 years in the wilderness with praise and worship, and since then You have proceeded to teach me how to do just that.
I have yet to master the lessons on praying, praising, and worshipping through the worst. Some days, I remind myself that David had to command his soul to praise, and so I do the same.
I do not miss the house, but I miss the countless hours that were spent in that closet. 5 minutes alone with You, these days, feels like a battle in and of itself, yet you are worth it all and more. You have been faithful to me when I have not been faithful to You.
Even now, I struggle with the right thing to do, or the feelings that sometimes threaten to overwhelm me over things that really are so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
In this place of hardships, where the world sees lack, discomfort, and uncertainty, in this place that appears to be chaos yet is actually anything but, You, God, have been fighting my battles every step along the way and making ways where none should exist, and I find that everything I come to learn about You only makes me want You more.
Your presence.
Your wisdom.
Your ways.
Thank You, Jesus, for taking the things that held me back from my God-given purpose in You.
Thank You for teaching me what it means to be in obedience and submission to my Creator.
Thank You for changing my life, my heart, my mind, and my soul. Thank you for the fire that burns inside me, and that drives me to seek to live a life that pleases You and no one else.
I can live for no other than You. Nothing else will satisfy.
I am thankful beyond words for these 43 years on earth.
I am thankful for my life, for my husband, my children, my family, friends, and neighbors.
I have so much to be thankful for.
But more than anything else in the world, I am thankful for Jesus.
Thankful that God is merciful, and patient, and has led me to this place every step of the way.
My only regret is that I did not allow myself to come face-to-face with my fears sooner. I did not trust Jesus as I do now.
I have no idea what tomorrow looks like, much less the next year of my life, should I be given the privilege of living another, but I know Jesus Christ.
I know that I can take Him at His word.
I know that I can trust Him.
I know that He said, “Do not worry about tomorrow,” and then He proceeded to list all of the things we did not need to worry about because God knows our needs.
I know that He said, “but first seek ye the kingdom of God and all of His righteousness,” and so I did.
I know that He has never once failed me, so I know that He will not fail me now, but I did not know, any of those things until I had everything that made me feel safe and secure ripped from my hands, and their absence was filled by my Lord Jesus Christ, and for that I am always thankful not just today but every day.
Yes, today is my birthday, but without Jesus, I would have been dead and buried long ago, so who could be more deserving of my praise than Him today?
Job said it best when he said “What I always feared has happened to me. What I dreaded has come true. I have no peace, no quietness. I have no rest; only trouble comes.” Yet unlike Job, I have peace and quiet, though troubles do come, because I have Jesus, and I would rather do hard with Him than anything else in this world.
‘O God, I beg two favors from you; let me have them before I die.
First, help me never to tell a lie.
Second, give me neither poverty nor riches!
Give me just enough to satisfy my needs.
For if I grow rich, I may deny you and say, “Who is the Lord ?”
And if I am too poor, I may steal and thus insult God’s holy name. ‘
Proverbs 30:7-9 NLT
Psalms 73 