I am lost without You.
I am humbled by Your faithfulness.
Thank You, Jesus, For Your patience and grace.
Thank You, Jesus For Your provision.
This week I got to experience, the good and bad of humanity. Twice as much good than bad, yet it’s been the disappointment that has taken up most of my thoughts.
I allowed the ill intentions of one person to overshadow the kindness of two others and for that, I repent.
I make no excuses, yes it’s been a long, hard 6 months, particularly the last couple of weeks, it’s like the obstacles present themselves in groups and some days they really are all I see. I have allowed my impatience to open the door to anger, to entitlement and to resentment, when deep down I know You’ve had Your reasons, I have seen Your hand at work, in me, in my family and in the lives of those around us and I know that I know that You have kept us, here, safe, provided for, fed…
But the money, Lord. With me things always come back to the money.
I keep thinking that it could be better used in other ways, but the question You present is:
Better according to whom?
I know that Your ways are not my ways. I know that You, Jesus, are the same yesterday, today and forever, so why do I continue trying to do things my way? on my time? To my expectations?
How do I know better, yet I don’t, all at the same time?
Growing up in catholic school, one of my biggest questions as a child was,
How can there not be one answer?
People always taught about Your goodness but Your words, Your commandments, seemed to be open to interpretation. You were presented as a god who didn’t care what I did all week as long as I made it to church, to go thru the motions. Life at home never improved and none of it made sense.
How was it that a God who created all with meticulous detail, didn’t seem to have purpose or even meaning to His word?
How can there be a right and wrong but no definite answers from Him?
How can my life be judged when there are no clear rules to the journey?
The questions plagued me as I visited so many churches growing up, looking for the answers that evaded me.
I never expected it would take me more than 20 years, a near couple of death experiences, an alcoholic habit, an abusive marriage, a short stint as a single mother, and God answering various prayers that would take yet another 20 yrs for me to grasp, the untimely death of various friends and my very own rock bottom before I would find the answers I desperately sought and understand them.
You, Jesus, are The Answer to every question, and in every situation, I must seek to know You will.
How did I ever think I could walk Godly life ,with You, by following my worldly knowledge?
You told me I needed to unlearn. You told me You would teach me, lead me, yet I struggle, often, with a lot of my own ways because it’s what I know and much like Ezekiel gets when he doesn’t want to do hard, I too tend to fall apart.
I am desperate to change my circumstances, but I know that the time will come, I just need to focus on working on my own heart with You. I need to focus on You more than I focus on my struggles. I need to allow You to consume me more than I allow my problems to consume me.
I need to pray for, and be grateful for all You have made possible for us via Your seople, more than I complain about satan’s 1 minion. I allowed my feelings over my perceived loss steal my joy over the kindness of those You used to achieve Your purpose.
My focus is wrong, once again, and once again, You have taken the time to save me from myself, and meet me where I am at with both kindness and correction, and presented this verse to remind me that what I know, what I have been taught by people and the world, is not what is true.
You are what is true. You are what matters. You are what I must focus on and cling to.
Just You.
There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.
Proverbs 14:12 NLT
Psalms 73 