For almost 2 decades Michael & I have received various words over the years, sometimes together, sometimes not, regarding our ministry, our calling, our marriage and our lives.
I thought I knew, thought I was prepared, but nothing could have been further from the truth, because nothing on this earthly plane could have prepared me for the plans God had, the lesson He has taugh and will continue to teach, or the road He choose that has led me here, the road that continues on ahead.
The last 5 months have been such a strange combination of celebrations and struggles, but the last 2 weeks have been intense. Testimonies that have been dug from the rubble and ashes of our past life.
We have been able to celebrate the anniversary of the victories of some battles, while struggling to navigate through new ones.
I honestly have moments in which I feel like the ball inside the pinball machine. Some days it does feel like the war will never end, which it will not, but Christ is my rest and He has been faithful. There is no reason for me to entertain my worldly feelings. None.
Most days, I let the anniversary of the past wins push me through the new battles in front of me, with as much gratitude as I can muster for just how faithful Jesus has been with me through the years, but especially the last few years.
Every day comes with a new level of dependence & reliance on Jesus.
It has not been easy, it has not made sense, it has not been comfortable but… it has made us softer, kinder, gentler. It has bred compassion for others, taught us a lot of humbling lessons, and has also brought us closer together, and most importantly, to HIM.
Someway, somehow, all of the painful things in life, have brought us closer to Christ and each other, and there is just peace in the storm.
I used to feel like I was drowning, like I kept pulling myself up for air, and something kept dragging me down into the darkness of the water, but now there are moments in which it feels like I am wrapped in a serene bubble, just breathing underwater, somehow. I have wished a million times things would get easier but the truth is, I have accepted what is because I wouldn’t trade any of it, or Him, for all the riches and comforts the world has to offer.
The last year has been a different type of intense from previous ones. The challenges have been different and the things that used to work, worked no more. It’s been a constant state of communication with The Lord just to get through a day.
A few weeks ago, as I was on one of my walks with The Lord, I heard The Holy Spirit say:
“You are more upset with the appearance of your circumstances than the truth of it.”
That truth hit me like a ton of bricks.
There I was. Exposed. My mother’s daughter. Thinking about what it looks like not what it is. I honestly thought I had overcome that nasty family trait when I was 7. Shows how much I know.
That little painful nugget of information has had me examining my heart non stop since then. I have no interest in being that person. I know God knows the truth that even I’m not aware of in regards to this current situation, and yet…
I can’t deny it. We were made to look like something we are not. In hindsight we were the perfect target. From a spiritual standpoint, I know what I must do and how I should proceed forward, but the very real, very fallible human in me is angry, deep down in places I did not know existed. I feel abused and betrayed and I struggle to get passed it.
More than once I have asked myself, God & even Michael:
How did Jesus not defend Himself?
I honestly cannot tell you. I struggle to keep my mouth shut a lot.
Now God, has told me, both directly and in a multitude of ways, via various people, to wait.
God says rest.
God says He will take care of all of my needs, all of my battles… and that should be the end of that conversation.
I know that.
I should be praying for people.
I should be standing in the gap, interceding for them to be free of the demons that make them this way… and sometimes I am… but I’m also just angry. I should also be rejoicing, for The Bible tells me to:
“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has honored them.”
But I am struggling to find much joy in the process today. I want my faith to be tested, I want my endurance to grow, so that I may be perfect and complete in Him, needing nothing but Him.
I am understanding, to a new extent, the meaning of the words “what the enemy meant for evil…” and I’m truly struggling to wrap my head around the magnitude of it all.
A year ago, I felt like I was on top of the highest mountain, screaming at the world “Look what God has done!”
Today, it feels a little bit like I got my legs knocked out from under me and I stumbled all the way down to deepest bottom, and hit every rock and bump on the way down… but I know, in ways I could not explain to myself or anyone that I am not defeated, satan will try and take us out in the ways that we’ve always feared. We give him the roadmap I tell you, but God.
GOD!
Don’t ask me how anything will turn out better than I could even hope. I don’t even know what I am hoping for, to be honest. But I know Him. I trust Him. He has earned that. I do not know what tomorrow holds, but I know Him.
Jesus has never once failed me.
I did not imagine it would look like this, I would not have chosen this way, but I think deep down I knew, which is why it has taken me so long to get here before now.
I likely never would’ve said ‘yes ’to Christ had I known the truth then, but having lived through just the last 5 years with Him alone, because I truly can go a lot further back than that, I can say that whatever comes next, it’ll be for His glory, and until the page turns, I will find the strength and will to praise His mighty name and I will continue to lay my heart at His feet, day after day and praying all of you who might be reading this, may also surrender your heart at His feet, so that His will becomes your will, and pleasing Him the thing You too want most in the world.
“The Sovereign Lord has given me his words of wisdom, so that I know how to comfort the weary. Morning by morning he wakens me and opens my understanding to his will. The Sovereign Lord has spoken to me, and I have listened. I have not rebelled or turned away.
I offered my back to those who beat me and my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard. I did not hide my face from mockery and spitting. Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like a stone, determined to do his will. And I know that I will not be put to shame. He who gives me justice is near.
Who will dare to bring charges against me now? Where are my accusers? Let them appear! See, the Sovereign Lord is on my side! Who will declare me guilty?
All my enemies will be destroyed like old clothes that have been eaten by moths! Who among you fears the Lord and obeys his servant? If you are walking in darkness, without a ray of light, trust in the Lord and rely on your God. But watch out, you who live in your own light and warm yourselves by your own fires. This is the reward you will receive from me: You will soon fall down in great torment.”
Isaiah 50:4-11 NLT
Psalms 73 