I came across this journal entry from October 2020, and felt led to share.
Never could I have foreseen how that broken girl would end up as the woman I am today. All glory to God.
There were so many things I can now look back and understand so clearly, that did not make sense to me at the time.
I am so grateful to God Almighty for the road He has lead me on, and that I arrived here, safe in His hands, free from the pain, fear, anger and resentment that rotted my soul.
I pray this blesses someone today.
Journal entry. Original Date 10.12.2020
Dear Father:
I wish I could tell you that I know what I am doing, but You and I both know that I do not.
I wish I could say that I am coming to You out of something more than fear or desperation, but I really do not believe I am. You know I have been procrastinating this moment longer than I care to admit.
When I found out about my pregnancy with Ezekiel, I was in denial. I questioned if it was even sane to have a baby when we had done nothing but struggle for so long. I wish I could say that I eventually understood Your plan, but truth is I blindly and numbly went through the motions, and things just more or less seem to work out.
I know that I am private, prideful and I love to live in my antisocial bubble, but I refuse to believe that You sent us a child so that we could struggle in a life of misery.
I don’t know where we go from here. I don’t know how we care for the kids, pay the bills and how I stop being dead inside, but I know that You have a plan, Lord.
I don’t know it. I don’t see it. I don’t even feel it, but I know that you always have a plan for us.
I don’t know how to seek a relationship with You, Lord, and I make no excuses:
I am half dead inside. I am the most untrusting person there is, and I don’t know how to relinquish control, but doors close in my face at every turn. I can’t pay the bills. I can’t find a 2nd job, Michael can’t find any job, and all I can think of are the kids and all I can see are the unpaid bills and I am scared, Lord. Scared and feeling hopeless.
I do not want to feel hopeless, Lord.
I want to be a better person, a healthier person, a happier person. I want to take care of my kids, and be a better mother and wife.
I do not believe You sent us a child so that we could suffer, struggle and be homeless.
There is a plan here, and I am just too stubborn and willful to see it.
We need desperate help, Lord, and if it is not too much to ask for, I would like to keep my house, and my dogs, which I realize seems silly but we love them. I don’t care about the car, it’s just a way to get around.
I know I’ve been angry, and I know that I have been resentful. I have felt abandoned by You and I flip flop a lot.
I’m a mess Lord.
Help me not be such a mess.
I know that You know better than I what our needs are.
There is a struggle inside my soul. There is a battle I am loosing. I do not know what is happening, but I need You to keep me safe.
I hate to rush You, Lord, or seem impatient, ungrateful or untrusting, but I pray You save us soon.
-amie
“Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the stomach of the fish, and said,
“I called out of my trouble and distress to the Lord, And He answered me;
Out of the belly of Sheol I cried for help, And You heard my voice.
[Ps 120:1; 130:1; 142:1; Lam 3:55-58]
“For You cast me into the deep, Into the [deep] heart of the seas, And the currents surrounded and engulfed me; All Your breakers and billowing waves passed over me. [Ps 42:7]”
Jonah 2:1-3 AMP
Psalms 73 