Sometimes I look at my life and I think to myself:
“The whole world is on fire and this is what occupies your thoughts?!”
There truly are so many other things that should be consuming my thoughts, a million other questions I should be taking to the Lord and working out with Him.
Instead, I find myself thinking of things past, wanting to reach out to people that I know God removed from my life for His reasons.
It’s not as though I’m unaware of the many reasons for why this is unhealthy and even growth-hindering behavior, because I’m not.
I can make no excuses but will say that there are times when the seemingly-innocent things we overlook in our daily life, the things that we give undeserved value to, grow deep, life-threatening roots in our heart while we are not looking. And just when I thought it was dead and buried, it turned out to be alive and kicking.
This has been such an overwhelming week, both in the natural and in the spiritual. If I could put it all into words, I would. My best guess is that I painted yet another bulls eye on my back when I stepped out in faith & obedience on Monday.
Once again, God invited me on a new adventure, which I’ve again accepted. Of course. In a way, nothing has changed and yet, deep in my soul I feel everything is different. I understand that I cannot afford any distractions, much less the past.
Any door God closed, any person, place or thing that He removed from my hands, needs to stay gone. I trust that… but sometimes, we allow things to grow, or to fester, and by the time we see God’s truth, it is too late to hit the breaks or course correct, there is no way around that storm but to pray and navigate your way through it.
I understand that now. I just don’t really know where that leaves me.
I have always held the believe that it is better, for me, to be alone than in the wrong company. No matter what the world says, there is a right kind of people to surround yourself with, and there are people who are just wrong.
I do not mean that there is anything wrong with a person, though toxic people exist everywhere, but that sometimes the people we love most can cause us the most damage. Sometimes the one we didn’t see coming leaves the most damage in their wake.
Choices and circumstances, our own and that of others, can lead us down dark tunnels.
I have been transparent with The Lord in regard to my struggles with people because God sees all and any attempt to lie to Him is just plain pointless.
I don’t know much, but I know that God is faithful and He will teach me to navigate the waters that threaten to drown me. He will keep me from drowning.
Anything that chokes back the growth that is necessary, must be uprooted. I can’t expect to quickly overcome something that I took years to nurture a love for, unhealthy as it may be, but I also won’t pretend to have much grace for myself in these moments of weakness. To find myself wanting to look back to things that have already been removed from my life is not only disobedient but counterproductive to the life where Jesus Christ is leading me to.
I must hold myself accountable.
I must make the time for what He calls me to and ignore the things that aim to distract me from that, to get me to rob me from myself what God has for me.
I know better. I have no excuse for it. I have no desire for it, and yet… it plagues me when I least need it to… but God.
God.
“On behalf of such a man [and his experiences] I will boast; but in my own behalf I will not boast, except in regard to my weaknesses. If I wish to boast, I will not be foolish, because I will be speaking the truth. But I abstain [from it], so that no one will credit me with more than [is justified by what] he sees in me or hears from me. Because of the surpassing greatness and extraordinary nature of the revelations [which I received from God], for this reason, to keep me from thinking of myself as important, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan, to torment and harass me—to keep me from exalting myself! [Job 2:6] Concerning this I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might leave me; but He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you [My lovingkindness and My mercy are more than enough—always available—regardless of the situation]; for [My] power is being perfected [and is completed and shows itself most effectively] in [your] weakness.” Therefore, I will all the more gladly boast in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ [may completely enfold me and] may dwell in me. So I am well pleased with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, and with difficulties, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak [in human strength], then I am strong [truly able, truly powerful, truly drawing from God’s strength].”
2 Corinthians 12:5-10 AMP
Psalms 73 