Setback

I was already overwhelmed, so of course, I went and made it worse. I shut down my feelings, again.
I am numb. I keep waiting for the feelings to hit, but they don’t.
It’s not so much about what I missed, Jesus but what I dismissed. I know. The excuses I made, the many times I told myself I was crazy and seeing things that were not there…

I don’t know where we go from here, Father.

I know you don’t condone sin, Jesus, but I also know that, as you know all things, you knew I’d be here. I know that because I look back now and see the times you tried to warn me, though that too, I dismissed, because I didn’t understand it, and I have felt your forgiveness, Lord, though I have yet to forgive myself.

I really just don’t know where we go from here, Father. What possible use could you have for me, now?

You have been so faithful, God.
The gentle lover of my soul.
You deserve a child who is bold in you, someone who speaks up, not a coward who refused to take every way out you gave her.
Help me understand, God. Where the weaknesses lies and why. Teach me how to surrender it all to you. Help me, Jesus. Help us.
We are all so lost, Lord. More than we realize. The emptiness in me is something that runs deeper than I knew, and there are a lot more cracks in the foundation than I was aware of.
None of this comes as a surprise to you, of course, nothing ever does. You have always known the true depths of my depravity, loneliness and emptiness.

God… You truly are the lover of my soul. The only one who makes me whole. You break me, and restore my heart, mind and soul. God you are the only one who can bring my dead bones, and my dead heart back to life. Only you have the mighty power to do so. I could be, and should be, dust but for your mercy, Jesus. I deserve to be nothing less, but some way, somehow, you see past the hardness of my heart, past my failures and shortcomings, and love me anyways.

Thank you, Jesus for your love, forgiveness and redemption. Lead my day. Lead my steps. Show me how to love and forgive, not just others, but myself. Show me the way forward. Help me learn from this. Give me your wisdom.
Help me remember who you are. Help me let go of what hinders my walk with you. Help me accept truth. Help me understand it. Open my eyes, Lord. Help me stop being so dismissive. Help me discern. Help me stop rejecting the truth.
Help me, Jesus.
Help me.

Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will not be shaken.
My victory and honor come from God alone.
He is my refuge,
a rock where no enemy can reach me.
O my people, trust in him at all times.
Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge
Psalms 62:5-8 NLT