I do not believe God is ever permissive of sin.
I believe He allows me to be tested, to be tempted. God gives me opportunities, and I make choices.
Every day is a choice between Him and the world, between Him and the weaknesses within me, the demons that have been hunting me down for a very long time.
God gave me free will, He understands every aspect of me, better than I understand myself. He knows where my pain is, my loneliness, the brokenness that cries out to be whole again. He knows better than anyone the motives that drive my heart, both good and bad. God knows the darkness that dwells within, the emptiness. God knows where there is love, and where the doubt hides. He knows my every scar, and every story behind them. God has a complete understanding, of who and what I really am.
I do not believe in a God that makes excuses for sin, no, I believe in a God who calls my sin a sin, and tells me I am forgiven and loved, and then proceeds to, firmly but lovingly, use the circumstances as a teaching opportunity, for my growth and His glory.
I make no excuses. I have none.
This was not a stumble on my part but a well thought out decision, made 100% from a place of desperation. I knew there was a better way, but for reasons that do not make sense, even to me, it was, in a way, what I ‘felt I needed to do in order to close the door once and for all, and be able to heal and move on.’
Little did I know…
I would never advocate for purposely/willfully opening the door to sin. It’s a door that, once cracked, is hard to close. No one walks away from sin unscathed. Sin always inflicts damage that is painful to heal from, though not impossible. We don’t always see the damage right away, but there are spiritual consequences to sin, and physical ones too, regardless of the excuses I tell myself for why I sinned. I am living with those consequences now, and I feel as though my heart is broken, and a piece is missing.
At first, I didn’t know what to do. I felt as though I could not turn to God with it because it was a deliberate choice I made, but I found out those feelings were a lie. I can take everything to God.
I chose to seek what I believed to be answers, in an effort to shut the door in the face of the “what if.”
It didn’t work out that way, of course. I now have more questions than answers, and I learned that I can not run from the “what ifs” of life. The thoughts will always plague me.
This was not a whim. I do not make decisions lightly, on the contrary, normally I overthink to the point of being paralyzed by the fear of making the wrong decision, but this time I somehow knew what I would do, even before I knew the choice existed, I don’t even know why, but that is a conversation for another day.
Was it self-sabotage?
I could not tell you, but I chose to be immensely thankful for the lessons that come from the pain, the doubt and the insecurities.
I am struggling under the weight of very contradicting feelings and voice that tries to tell me that there is no coming back from this, and admittedly, there is not, I know. Yet when I was lost in my pain Jesus picked me up, dusted me off with a hug and a kiss and told me I would be ok, and I believe Him.
It’s not guilt that eats at me. It’s the understanding of how undeserving of His love and forgiveness, I truly am.
I am thankful, for I know that I will come out better in the end. God sees my heart. Already, this has given me a new perspective, and a new level of compassion and understanding for those who are lost to God’s truth and seeking to fill the emptiness inside. So many of us are desperately seeking for that which only Jesus can give, and I am forever grateful that He opened my eyes to the truth that only He satisfies.
Our time on earth is not about our satisfaction, anyway, that is merely a byproduct of our wholehearted service to Him, but I digress.
I know that my failures and shortcomings, do not disqualify me from serving God, on the contrary, it is His strength in my weakness that expands His Kingdom, His light shining out of me, and reflected for those around me.
I fell short, but it taught compassion. I fell short but the experience brought with it a fresh understanding of His love for me, of His capacity for forgiveness, His patience and grace towards me. I have seen God glorified in impossible situations, building bridges where none should have been possible. I do not know what will be the end result of this, but I trust that someway, somehow, someday, God will use it for His glory and good purpose.
God calls us to testify to His love and mercy, and many people do, but He has taught me that testifying is not always about speaking, or sharing, though that is important. Sharing our struggles is a part of our walk, and it helps others see God’s hand at work in their life, but sometimes our best testimony is the quiet, simple life that we live, loving and serving those around us just for the simple joy of loving them, as God loves us.
‘So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life—that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s law with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God’s law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.’
Romans 7:14-25 NLT
Psalms 73 