I wish I could tell you everything that is not going “right” in my life at the moment, and maybe I should, but I won’t.
I want to sit and vent and scream and cry out in frustration and confusion. I want, so badly, to focus on the things that could be better, the things that I want to change. Everything is out of my control and I know, that regardless of what I believe at this very moment, no amount of tears will change anything at all.
Instead, I am going to tell you that while my storm is still raging, growing, and causing more havoc every day, Jesus is still Lord. He is still in control. He is still going ahead of me and clearing out my path, whether I feel Him there or not, I know He is and I know that I will come out better and stronger in the end, because of Him.
I cannot tell you now, and I may never be able to properly put into words everything that’s happened, everything I feel, everything I’ve seen. I may never be able to make sense of it all. I may never be able to explain it all to you, just as I may never fully understand it myself.
What I can do is tell you the truth, that in my darkest moments (both literally and figuratively) Jesus never left my side. Jesus has been the source of my peace, of my sanity. The road has not been without its potholes (more like giant craters that have required climbing gear to find my way out of) I have not always been content in my circumstances. I have complained and questioned God. I know I shouldn’t but I have. I’m not proud of it but to tell you otherwise would be a lie. I fail at raising above more often than I’d like. Yet, Jesus picks me up off the ground, He dusts me off and sends me on my merry way with some words of wisdom on how I can do better next time.
I cannot tell you what I don’t know and what I do know, I’m not ready to share with the world. Trust me, you wouldn’t understand it anyway. I don’t. But what I can tell you is that I chose this. Not my current set of circumstances, but Jesus. I chose to follow Him. The world has nothing to offer that I need or even want, though I have forgotten that lately.
What matters most, what I need to always remember is that Jesus died for me, the least I can do is live for Him.
“O Lord, I give my life to you. I trust in you, my God! Do not let me be disgraced, or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others. Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you. Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love, which you have shown from long ages past. Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth. Remember me in the light of your unfailing love, for you are merciful, O Lord. The Lord is good and does what is right; he shows the proper path to those who go astray. He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way. The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness all who keep his covenant and obey his demands. For the honor of your name, O Lord, forgive my many, many sins. Who are those who fear the Lord? He will show them the path they should choose. They will live in prosperity, and their children will inherit the land. The Lord is a friend to those who fear him. He teaches them his covenant. My eyes are always on the Lord, for he rescues me from the traps of my enemies. Turn to me and have mercy, for I am alone and in deep distress. My problems go from bad to worse. Oh, save me from them all! Feel my pain and see my trouble. Forgive all my sins. See how many enemies I have and how viciously they hate me! Protect me! Rescue my life from them! Do not let me be disgraced, for in you I take refuge. May integrity and honesty protect me, for I put my hope in you. O God, ransom Israel from all its troubles.”
Psalms 25:1-22 NLT
Psalms 73 