Choice

As I type, I sit on the floor in my closet, using a basket of clean laundry as a desk. I have my playlist playing at full volume in my ears, knowing the house should remain quiet as the kids sleep in late.
These days I spend most of my time here, worship music playing in the background, I study the Bible, pray, write, and read books on love, faith & spiritual warfare.

This is where I lay down every doubt and every struggle.

Today I’m running late, and I’m easily distracted.
It has become a frequent obstacle for me to overcome, this struggle, which is both physical and spiritual.
It’s hard to deny myself, pick up my cross, and follow him. I will never pretend it’s not, but it gets easier with practice. Surrendering is both the easiest and the hardest thing to do, it requires humility before God. When I say that I recommit myself to Jesus every single day, I mean it. I have tried the alternatives the world serves as poor substitutions and they do not fill me with joy. Nothing on this earth satisfies my soul.

There are days when it comes a little easier, choosing to have a grateful attitude for all that I have in life, especially when so much looks uncertain.
Today is not one of those days. I am struggling and have been for a few days now, it makes me feel off-balance.

Jesus is my rock, my foundation. Not being able to focus on Jesus does not destabilize the rock, it does not damage the foundation, it just makes me feel like it does. It forces me to be more purposeful in my pursuit. I walk away and try again later. I remind myself that feelings mislead me and that I don’t need to know or see what God is doing. I push myself to thank him, to trust him, to pray to him, and speak with him, but most importantly, to listen to him.

There are days of discouragement and apathy, but I no longer let them claim me, I let them drive my search for Jesus because I no longer wish to entertain those feelings.
I know that the closer I get to reaching the end of this tunnel, the more satan wants me discouraged, and that is when I need Jesus the most because on my own, it would be impossible not to fall to the weight of doubt, worry, and fear.

You give us choices, Lord. Everything is a choice between you and the world.
Every day I make a choice, to either submit to those feelings or trust you.

I chose you.

I have no idea what you are doing, and I don’t know what tomorrow holds, but I will continue to push myself out of bed, into the darkness of the closet before the sun is even out to thank, praise, and worship you, and as a result, you close the door on the darkness that attempts to sneak in.
You are the strength in my weakness, Lord. You carry the weight for me. You walk at my side, always there, even when I don’t see or feel you.
I have become dependent on your everlasting presence. You are the calm in the storm. The one true God. I trust you.
You are my source of comfort, my source of peace. You fill me with joy.
You are the only one who can both soothe & fill my soul.
I chose to make time for you. I chose to pursue you.

I chose you.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 NLT