For some months now I have been meaning to sit down and write this for you to [maybe] some day find.
I do not feel as though I owe you an explanation, but here I am taking up my rare free time to give that which you have not earned. Rest assured that it is more for me, than it is for you.
Over the course of the last 13 yrs you have been a constant ghost in my life. A black cloud which comes and goes and which never leaves sunshine behind.
It has been 13 yrs of walking on the proverbial hamster wheel, watching the same scenery go by, never allowing anything to truly move forward. Especially not ourselves, not with those endless walks down memory lane. But the view has been… distorted. We stopped seeing things as though they really were many years ago and seem to have chosen to write a children’s bedtime fantasy in its place.
I allowed this distorted vision of the past to twist my reality of the present and the future, and along with that little mistake came the pedestal in which I put you on for no other reason than that I convinced myself that you were the greatest friend to ever walk the earth. Not quite so true thought, is it?
So pathetically predictable have we been, that I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that, you will be back, you always are. Only this time you wont find me, and for this reason alone is that I am leaving behind this explanation. or lack there of.
Our friendship, and I use the term loosely, has been an intense roller-coaster ride of emotions that fluctuate so frequently that I don’t think we have ever, once, been on the same page. And while your choices were never quite fair to me, I always respected them though I did not always understand them.
Why did it always have to be all or nothing?
In the past though, as you walked away from me for the millionth time, I was always left feeling hurt, slighted and rejected, something I don’t think you ever really thought about. I always took comfort in the fact that you would undoubtedly return, as you always did, and this time things would be different, and though they never were, I always believed things would one day change once and for all.
So why are we here?
Because people change.
I changed.
And though you left once again, like a thief in the night with the promise of tomorrow, this time I found myself realizing something powerful. I felt relieved that you were gone. Not at first, mind you. At first I was as angry as I have always been and in a mess of tears because I allow you to do this time and time again, and that was when I started to realized that my anger was not at you, but at me.
I prayed about it and I realized that the only way to change things once and for all, was for me to do so.
I wish I could say its been a pleasure, but you & I both know that would be a lie.
“Letting go isn’t a one time thing. It’s something you do every day, over and over again.” -Dawson’s Creek
Psalms 73 